AND I DON'T EVEN NEED YOUR LOVE [cain]

[jagger owen wilson]

jagger wilson wasn't known for being particularly understanding. if we're being completely honest here, jagger is probably one of the most callous people in the entire world who wouldn't try for a little sympathy if you got on your knees and begged for it. no matter how much you said pretty pretty please he would still just scoff at your problems and carry on with his life. there wasn't a person in the world who could draw a little bit of sympathy out of him, except maybe his brother jason and then for a few weeks there his boyfriend. however, there reached a point when jagger's emotions stopped showing and started reverting themselves back into anger. there reached a point when he stopped being able to show concern and panic and worry and love and started instead just to show irritability, anger, and irrational hatred for everything that anyone ever said. no matter who you were, there was no escaping that temper if you made him feel even the slightest bit like...well, anything negative.

so when cain didn't show up for work that day, jagger was more than a little irrationally angry. at first, he didn't say anything. he just stood there while zane and mick made googly eyes at each other from across the room, just waiting for his boyfriend to walk in the door, just waiting for him to show up and say oops, sorry, leg held him back a bit. but a few hours passed and cain still didn't show up. mick started to make a few smartass comments about it, first about jagger hurting him too much for him to come into work. then when jagger told him that he'd already fractioned in time for that (truth be told it was why the pair hadn't come into work together), he started making jokes about it maybe being someone else and that's when jagger started to get really angry. he honestly didn't have a right to be. cain was hurt sometimes - big deal. honestly, that was sort of his fault too considering the situation surrounding the accident. but cain told him he'd be there. cain promised he'd show up, and he couldn't just bail on all the appointments he had that day.

or that's the way he saw it. evidently cain thought otherwise because jagger had to tell half of his appointments to leave if they wanted cain's work done so badly or to see one of the other guys about touching up some old work and the other half he just didn't bother speaking to at all because there came a point in the day when the name 'cain' was synonymous with some foul word even jagger couldn't bring himself to say and that zane and mickey started saying in a hushed whisper to people coming in to see him so that their friend and boss wouldn't go ballistic. after a little while, zane came over to talk to him and told him that maybe he should just go home but jagger snapped that they couldn't afford to be down two artists and his friend backed down. from there it was just more anger and more annoyance and more frustration until he got so pissed that he established a rule that the next person who said 'cain' got the words 'diagnosed with genital herpes april 2012' tattooed on their foreheads.

overall? he wasn't entirely sympathetic to cain's cause. he knew that his leg was hurting. he knew that he didn't make it easy either with the damn near violent way he'd been having sex with him lately, and this was all probably his fault in the end. but truth be told, he was just worried - worried that maybe he had been too rough on him, that maybe he was hurting worse than he'd realized, that maybe it was something that jagger had done to keep him at home. and shit, he hadn't even called so maybe he wasn't hurting at all. maybe he had just noticed how violent jagger had been and got pissed, decided it wasn't worth it, talked to kendall or to one of his other friends, decided just not to show up, to pack up, to just go and...now he was just being irrational but the fact of the matter was: jagger didn't trust him. and he didn't like that he wasn't where he said he'd be even though jagger had been gracious enough to allow him to come into work late.

so when he finally closed up the shop for the day and sped home, he was positively furious. there was no reason, no reason that his boyfriend should have missed coming to work. there was no excuse for not calling, no excuse for not telling anyone what was going on. he stomped into the house, ignoring kendall when she asked what was wrong, slamming the door behind him and causing jason to jump where he sat on the couch. he didn't even pause to yell about what the FUCK alec was still doing there or why the FUCK the two boys were retreating to jason's room. instead he just stormed past them up to the room he shared with his boyfriend, slamming the door open and narrowing his gaze when he saw him still sitting on the bed. "and where the fuck were you today?" he demanded from him. no 'are you okay?' no 'do you need anything?' no 'we missed you at work today and i'm worried about you so please tell me what's going on.' just a demand and a glare, anger etched onto every feature on his face.

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[cain furion costello]

cain supposed that given the circumstances things could be worse. he could be dead, yeah, that most certainly would've been worse. maybe not for him because he wouldn't be around anymore. but for those that cared about him. for the people like jagger, who would've been more torn up than anyone else given that he would've lost two people in his life who mattered to him. people like the rest of the wilson's who had seen him close to death before. people that he hadn't been thinking about when it all happened. so, really, all of that had been avoided. for the most part at least. he was still alive and kicking. more or less. not so much the kicking part as the alive part when it well and came down to it. so he was alive, and he had his friends, his family. not a damn one of them blood related but every last one of them were good people when you got down to the bare bones of it. and they were a hell of a lot better than his own blood related family. then he had jagger. he had his boyfriend. after years of just fucking behind everyone's back, they not were together. and even if it had taken cain almost dying for the two of them to get together, what mattered to cain was that they were.

and for a few weeks, or however long it had been, everything was great between them. jagger was actually....talking about how he was feeling and all that shit. he was letting cain in. he was saying shit to him that was still shocking the costello boy over and over again. because that wasn't jagger. jagger really wasn't that much of a sap. or at least, cain had never known him to be. that was until this point. where he was now used to laying with his boyfriend. to having jagger say things that weren't really all that typical, but still were very nice to hear him say. because, deep down jagger was sweet. and he was a good boyfriend. and cain loved the son of a bitch for all that he was and everything that he wasn't. because that was how love worked or some shit like that. he didn't know. he never had been good at this relationship thing. and he had always been too busy with jagger to really bother with anything else. because fuck if he was giving that up.

but cain knew more than anyone that jagger could only function like a normal human being for so long before shit started to go sour. he noticed it, in little things. the way he wasn't saying i love you as much. the way that each time they had sex he got more and more aggressive. and really, cain didn't mind. he loved it. he would've happily had rough hard sex every time that they found themselves in the throes of passion. but his leg wasn't having it. his leg, that god damn leg that was going to end up holding him back for the rest of his fucking life he swore to god, didn't let him fully enjoy the love making between himself and his boyfriend. because no matter how much it didn't hurt in the moment, he knew that when the next day rolled around he was going to be taking a double dose of his vicodin to be able to deal with the pain. he knew that this was his existence now. if he ever wanted to do something that might be pushing his limits a bit, he knew the next day that he was going to have to medicate to make up for it. and it fucking sucked. and he just wanted his normal life back. but there really wasn't a damn thing that he could do about it.

so that morning he had told jagger that he would be coming into work late. because there was no way that he was getting out of bed in any quick fashion. and he knew that even if he did get up and get dressed and go to work, if jagger saw him limping around too much he would tell him to take his ass home and rest. or sit down. or do something else to be useless. so jagger went to work, and cain had stayed. and he had just laid there resting for a while, and he had popped more than a few pills. just waiting for them to kick in. the moment that he moved to stand though. the moment that he decided he wanted to walk, it was too much. he made it to the bathroom and back and the throbbing in his leg was too damn much. he didn't have a damn clue how he was going to go to work. how he was going to be able to focus on his job when his leg was being such a distraction. so instead, he had just gotten into bed, he had thrown his arm over his eyes, and he had cried. silent tears. tears for his leg that would never be the same, tears for his life that would never be the same. then he passed out. because at least in his sleep he could ignore the pain.

the sound he was woken up by was the slamming of the front door. causing him to literally jump. and he knew it was jagger. and looking over at the clock. he knew why it was jagger. because he had missed the whole day at work. he had missed his whole damn shift and he hadn't called or anything. a sigh left him as he sat up counting down the seconds until that boy of his came busting into their room. he reached over and grabbed his pill bottle throwing two down his gullet before the man entered the room. and when he did, cain's eyes landed on jagger's and he let out a sigh. because, things were most certainly getting back to normal. every emotion in the world for jagger came out as anger, and cain was a bit too apathetic to really care to fight with him. at least right in that moment. "i was here, in bed," he answered in flat tones before massaging the bridge of his nose. here came the fight, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do to stop it.

[jagger owen wilson]

this was not the time for apathy. this was not the time for cain to be pulling this shit, not this early in the relationship, not when jagger was still so stressed about everything that he could seriously die. he knew it was a stark contrast from the person he was when cain first got home. he knew sometimes it was hard to look at him and see the same person who kissed him and whispered sweet nothings into his ear and told him over and over and over again that he loved him, hard to believe that was even close to the same guy. but he had closed up a lot in the weeks that cain had been healing, when he thought things were going back to normal. it wasn't that he stopped telling cain he loved him or stopped whispering sweet nothings. he just didn't do it as often, had practiced backing off because it wasn't like he was going to be doing that shit in front of people. he had a certain air about him, a reputation that meant people left him well alone. if he was as kind as he was to cain in front of everybody...well he'd lose that. people would remember he was human and try to communicate with that. and as much as he loved cain, he didn't want that.

so he practiced backing off, retreated a little bit more inside of himself and let out all the anger he had been holding in. he got rougher with his boyfriend the more he had to deal with seeing him on pain killers, which seemed counterproductive in its own right but jagger didn't claim to be logical. ever. and though he told himself that for cain he was going to try and be a better person, a better boyfriend, someone who was more open and more loving, someone like who he was five years ago when he had stopped everything horrible he'd ever done in his life to be with cait...well, he couldn't bring himself to do that again. part of him was still terrified, absolutely terrified that if he loved cain the way that he was supposed to, the way that he wanted to, one of them was just going to get more hurt. and selfish though it was of him, he'd rather that person not be him. he figured that he'd lost enough.

which wasn't fair to cain and fuck he knew it but at the time he figured that...well it wasn't fair to cain to have dragged him into this relationship at all. he should have told him 'no' when they were fifteen. he should have made the promise but told him they couldn't do that, they couldn't kiss and touch like they were, and that should have been the end of it. maybe then he could have loved and protected cait the proper way, if he had just had better self-control when he was younger. then he never would have slept with cain. he would have slept with cait and made sure that he had protection and made sure they were being safe. and then maybe she'd still be alive. cain would just be his best friend and business partner. maybe jagger would even be married. whatever the case, he wouldn't have had to drag cain through all this and one thing he knew for certain was that if he had just had better self-control when he was younger, cain would be walking normally.

and all that anger at himself and at the world and at his past and at the way fate treated him and his heart was just building up, hovering just below the surface until finally it found a reason to snap and shit did he ever snap. not even seeing his boyfriend lying there, as beautiful as he always was to him in obvious pain, was enough to get him to calm down. if anything the flat way in which he responded just made jagger angrier because this wasn't something that was just no big deal. he had worried his ass off all day, dealt with all of his appointments, dealt with the payment loss that had brought to the shop, handled all his affairs and covered his ass and this - this was what cain gave him. not an apology or an explanation but a simple fucking reply that made jagger want to rip his goddamn hair out.

"obviously," he spat back, crossing his arms over his chest. "but you know where your appointments were? and your co-workers? and your boyfriend?" he shook his head before raising his voice and answering, "at the fucking shop!" he shook his head and pursed his lips leaning against the doorframe. "i can't believe this. i can't believe you didn't fucking call, you just laid there while i had to tell everyone that i didn't know where the fuck you were. do you know how unprofessional that looks? do you know how that reflects on us, on the shop?" he let out a bitter laugh and shook his head again. "and business aside, what were zane and mickey and me supposed to think? no phone call, no nothing, just the promise that you'd be there and the reality of you lying. something could have been wrong, cain, what the fuck is the matter with you?"

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[cain furion costello]

cain had known jagger for long enough, to know the way that he worked. to know that he had to keep up his game face when he was around the rest of the world, because that was just how jagger was. and cain loved him, even though he was an ass most of the time. and he would be an idiot if he were to try to tell someone that he didn't know exactly how jagger was before they decided to get into this relationship, but that didn't change the fact, that there was a part of him that hoped he would be different. that jagger would treat him differently because he wasn't just some person. he was his best friend. and they knew each other well enough to know how each other worked. and cain knew that the anger that was being directed at him right then wasn't just because jagger was pissed he didn't show up to work. he'd been worried. cain knew jag well enough to know that he had been worried, and when it came to jagger wilson, worry turned into anger. and hurt turned into anger. and love turned into anger. and fuck every emotion that a person could ever feel turned into anger with jagger wilson.

but for once, just for fucking once, he would like for those emotions that jagger was feeling to come out as the correct emotion. for once he would've loved for jagger to come into that room and just be relieve that he was there instead of elsewhere and possibly hurt. and cain wasn't about to say that he was perfect in this whole thing, because he really wasn't. he should've called. should've let jagger know what was going on. but he'd been sleeping all damn day, and quite frankly, the thought hadn't crossed his mind. but this, the attitude that he was getting from jagger. it was getting fucking old. especially with the way that jagger had been when they first got home. the way that he was loving. and he didn't care who saw. cain wanted to know what the fuck happened to that. because after all these years of being lovers and no one knowing, cain felt like it was about time they treated each other like boyfriends, instead of best friends who fucked behind closed doors. which included being some sort of sweet to him from time to time when they were out in public.

a loud sigh came from the costello man as he sat up more in bed and he locked his eyes on those of his boyfriends. "look, i fucked up okay? i was in a lot of pain, i took some meds, then i just passed out. i didn't mean to sleep this long, and by the time i woke up, i was in too much pain to do much walking. so, i'm sorry. i should've called. but i didn't think about it. so can you not yell at me for five fucking minutes and for once, just for fucking once, just show that you were worried instead of showing that you're pissed off? jesus fucking christ jagger," his own voice was raising by the time that he got to the end of his little rant and he moved to run his fingers through his hair. they were back to the fighting. back to the normal for jagger and cain. and usually, that didn't bother him. because, hell, jagger fought with everyone and everything. but after getting a taste of what it was that cait had been able to have when she was with jagger, whether it was in a dream or not, it was fucking pissing him off to just have jagger going back to acting like they were just best friends who fucked behind closed doors.

and maybe that wasn't how jagger was acting, and maybe he was just being over sensitive to everything because of everything that had happened in the past weeks or so. and maybe cain was still clinging to this image of their relationship that he'd had from their dream. no matter the case though, he didn't like how jagger was acting. he didn't like how his boyfriend was making him feel. and all that he really wanted was to be able to get the same treatment that jagger had given to cait. maybe not the same exact treatment, but something similar. and really? didn't he deserve that much? didn't he deserve for jagger to open up to him and stay opened up to him? instead of giving him some taste of what it would be like for cain to have jagger fully and completely. there was only so much comfort the simple title of boyfriend could give, and quite frankly, cain felt like he deserved more. they they deserved more. that they deserved to be an actual couple, in all the ways that a couple was. because fuck, they'd been dancing around the notion of it all for long enough.

"and you know what jagger?" he started again moving to sit more upright in the bed. "phones work both ways. you could've fucking called. so instead of sitting here and trying to rip me a new ass hole, because god forbid, i was in pain. and god forbid, i sleep. you could've, i dunno, picked up the phone and called me to see what was going on?" an irritated sight left him and he slumped back down on the headboard crossing his arms and looking away from jagger to work his jaw and then purse his lips. "what the fuck is the matter with you?" he finally asked after moments of silence, turning his blues to look at his face once again. "really jagger? what the fuck happened. you were so....i dunno. not like this when i first got out of the hospital. what is it? have you decided that you don't like having me as a boyfriend? you wanna go back to fucking behind closed doors or something? would that make you happy?"

[jagger owen wilson]

he couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten this angry with cain. the last time that his boyfriend and best friend had been so fucking stupid. how could he shrug this off like it was no big deal? if it was jagger in his place, cain would flip a fucking nut because that wasn't professional. and looking outside of the business relationship that they had, it was troubling. jagger couldn't leave work in the hands of zane and mickey. they were both fucking morons and cain knew it as well as anyone, and when they were inexplicably down one employee, he had to make time to do his own appointments, make up some of cain's, and cancel the rest of them all while supervising the other two morons and making calls for the shop that should have been shared work. he took on a double load with his co-owner gone, and cain knew that. he knew jagger didn't have time to call.

and in addition to that, all business shit aside, how could cain do that to him personally? how could he be so fucking stupid as to not show up to work after promising he'd be there? did he really think jagger was going to be okay with that? with the worry, with the fear? hadn't he just come out of a god damn coma? what if he had fallen back in? what if he had gone back to that place that weeks ago he was just begging jagger to put him back into, huh? what then? and how was he supposed to trust if it did happen that he didn't do it on purpose? every worst possible scenario popped into jagger's mind in his boyfriend's absence because that's how jagger thought: in terms of worst case scenarios. and cain fucking knew this and he still didn't call and he was still acting like it was nothing. like jagger's worry, his fears were irrational, like he was some sort of bad fucking guy for getting mad that someone who supposedly loved him so fucking much would put him through that.

"well fuck me in the ass and call me a bitch," he said, laughing bitterly and crossing his arms tight. "beg my fucking PARDON. i should have CALLED. jesus, wow, between making up...let's see, YOUR appointments and making phone calls YOU were supposed to make and keeping the other two IDIOTS in line and running OUR shop on top of going through the FULL SCHEDULE i had today, how fucking dare i not find the time to call. shit, you're right, cain. i'm the fucking bad guy because i showed up to work and did what an owner is supposed to do - i did my fucking job." he shook his head. he knew it was harsh; fuck, he knew he should be more understanding. but he was just so angry. he was seeing nothing but red and it didn't help that cain's fucking attitude was driving him up the wall. jagger was proud of what they had accomplished with their shop. he was proud of the businessman he had become in spite of all the shit he put off after cait's death. and this - this was how cain treated something that might as well be their child. like it was nothing.

and he had the fucking audacity to ask him what was wrong? like he didn't know! like he didn't know that by not showing up he would worry him, that he would piss him off if he didn't call. like he shouldn't have expected jagger to come home in a foul mood because FUCK forgive him for giving a shit and being worried! isn't that what cain wanted? for him to be more outward with his emotions, to show when he cared? and now that he did, now that he actually let his emotions show in the only way he knew how, the guy was going to tell him to retreat back in his shell? and for what - so he could sleep? maybe try to catch that stupid dream he'd had when he was out and jagger was awake and willing him to be alive? he didn't know. he didn't care. and he was about to go shouting about that when cain's next words hit him like a bucket of ice water.

really? really? he gaped at him for a second, unsure of how even to respond to that. he could feel the harshness of his glare fall, could feel that usual snarl fall into a blank face. was that what cain thought of him? of what he felt? his voice fell about two levels as he said quietly, "cain, don't be stupid," and ventured further into the room to kneel down beside their bed. "you know that's not what i want. i love you." he said the last three words sternly, forcefully, trying to make him see and understand that exactly. "and just because i come home mad doesn't change that." his throat tightened for a second and he looked away to say, "just...the fuck else am i supposed to react? you were hurting this morning. then you said you'd show up but you didn't and i already fucking walked in on you once when no one could reach you." he looked back at him. "what the fuck was i supposed to think? your word means something to me. you fucking scared me and i kept telling those other two asses that you were going to come in and you just..." he let out a shaky breath. "didn't."

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[cain furion costello]

there were no words to really describe the relationship that jagger and cain had. and though he was sure that they weren't the first ones to have a relationship like they had, it didn't stop him from feeling like there was something unique to them. like, they just had something about them that put them in a different category than all the couples around them. all the people who had paired off in their little clan. the thing that sucked the most about when it came to their strange relationship was that they spent the better part of the time at each other's throats. and though, cain was used to it. hell, they'd been friends for so long how could he not be used to it, it wasn't what he wanted for them, because maybe cain believed that they deserved more. maybe he thought that being in a relationship meant that they should be different than they were when they were just best friends to the world. he didn't understand the shift. he couldn't explain why jagger's anger effected him more than it had when they were just friends. all he knew, was that it did. jagger being pissed at him, wasn't something he could just blow off. because jagger being pissed at him was never, just him being pissed.

a sigh left the man and he rolled his eyes at his boyfriend's words. he wasn't so blind as to not understand why jagger would've been pissed. just on the level of a business partner. cain knew that he had been slacking since his accident. he knew that he hadn't been pulling his weight. he knew that jagger was doing so much more for the shop at the time than he should've had to, because, well, cain was well enough to go into work. the fact of the matter was, that he really just didn't want to. could he admit that to the man who was so pissed at him though? could he really exposed to him how he was feeling about more than anything else, himself? cain supposed that it was some kind of bullshittery if he expected and wanted jagger to start exposing his emotions when cain himself was holding so much inside. and it was quite possible that the costello man was just as afraid to open up. but for him, it was pride more than anything else. his pride not wanting him to admit that he was embarrassed of his limp, and he hated the attention that it got him simply by having it.

then those harsh words came and no matter the validity of them cain couldn't help but let a glare take over his features as he looked at his boyfriend. "i already said that i fucked up okay? i'm sorry, i fucked up. i'll be sure to be a perfect fucking saint from now fucking on." his jaw was clenched and he tore his gaze away from jagger. there was a part of him that wanted to get out of that bed and punch him, but he knew that wouldn't be a good idea. not a very constructive way to handle things between the two of them. not that they had ever really been any sort of constructive with the way that they handled anything. most of the time it was just fighting and yelling. a lot of what they were doing right then. cain was fucking tired of it though. he was fucking tired of the fights. no matter the passion that it brought into their relationship, which, quite frankly they weren't lacking much of, they didn't need the added fuel to the fire, and yet, they just kept on fighting.

he watched, though, the change in jagger's face and he knew that he had hit him somewhere deep with those chosen words. and there was a part of him that felt bad for even letting them leave his lips. but fuck if he wasn't going to express just how jagger was making him feel. sure, he didn't want to talk about how he was feeling about himself right in those moments, but his feelings in regards to jagger, no, he wasn't going to keep those inside. he had spent too long acting like the shit that jagger said and the way that he acted didn't have an effect on him. he was done pretending that it didn't bother him that ever damn emotion that jagger felt came out as anger. because, maybe jagger was right, cain did deserve better than that. the only difference between the two was that cain knew that jagger could be better. he could be the person that cain needed him to be, because he'd seen it. he had seen jagger with cait. he knew that it was possible, and he would fight tooth and nail to defend that knowledge.

those blues didn't move off of jagger as he came over to the bed, and even if jagger's glare died down, cain's didn't. he was pissed as all hell, and he was going to be pissed. "oh really? could've fooled me," he spat out working his jaw a bit as he let jagger finish what he was saying. he then moved, clenching his jaw against the protesting pain in his leg, so that his legs were dangling off of the bed as he reached for his crutches. "here's a fucking memo, jag, in case you didn't get the post-it. you're always fucking mad. that's the only god damn emotion that you show lately. everything, fucking, every mother fucking thing, turns into you being mad. and maybe i'm just fucking tired of you being mad at me all the god damn time." he didn't care that he was being insensitive. he didn't care that maybe he should've just calmed down, and accepted those softer tones for what they were. cain gritted his teeth and clenched his jaw as he got into a standing position with the crutches. "fuck it, i'm gunna sleep on the couch," he spoke in a grumble before reaching into his pocket and throwing a couple of his pills down his throat then he made his way towards the door.

[jagger owen wilson]

believe it or not, he didn't want to fight. he didn't need it. everyone always seemed to be under the assumption that jagger was angry because he wanted to be, because he was happier that way. like he really wanted to fight with everyone he cared about. he didn't. truth of the matter was, he hated fighting with them, cain especially but he just couldn't seem to ever stop himself. they were the ones who were in the most danger around him. the closer you were to jagger wilson, the more open to assault and fights than everyone else in the world and jagger honestly, one hundred percent did not mean to do it. he didn't. it killed him every time he raised his voice at someone like cain or jason or kendall, killed him every time he stopped and realized that he was being an ass and then plowed through anyway. no, jagger wilson never wanted to fight. no matter what anyone said.

it was just second nature, that was all. when someone got close to him, his natural instinct was to push them away and while cain had withstood it thus far, he wasn't just his best friend anymore. he was his boyfriend and that put him even more at risk than anyone else in his fucking life. because he fucking loved him. and not the way he loved kendall or jason but on a different plane entirely, in a way he didn't know that he could love another human being. cain had parts of him no one else in the world would ever had. cain had his virginity and his love and even now in his broken state most of the time he had his affection and while sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) jagger was angry, it was only because he loved him so god damn much. and that meant that he worried. he worried because there was so much about cain that he loved, so much that he couldn't afford to lose, and he was scared to death that one day it was going to be taken from him.

and now it felt like that's what cain was trying to do and jagger felt like he'd just been shot in the stomach. he should have seen it coming. he had told cain when they started dating that he wasn't perfect and that he was going to try to be a better man and he had told him over and over and over again how he deserved so much better than the broken mess that was jagger owen wilson. but cain hadn't listened to him. he had told him he loved him and that they were going to be okay but if that were true then why was this happening? cain was looking for an excuse to just walk away and jagger knew it was his fault, his damn fault because he couldn't stop himself from picking a fight even with the person who meant the entire fucking world to him. and he was going to lose that. he was going to lose him.

and he should have been sad but like every other time he was just so angry, so inexplicably and irrepressibly angry in a way that he knew was going to drive him to an early death. because he was trying, god damn it, he was. and he had been doing really well and in spite of all his fears and terrors he thought he was still doing pretty well then and there. cain hadn't expressed any doubts or fears before; he hadn't told him a fucking thing. and out of nowhere now he was trying to get out of this? because of one fucking bad day? and he had lowered his voice, he had used softer tones, and he was going off to say he was always fucking angry? he was trying! but fuck, he was sick and tired of being the bad guy. he wasn't - he had done his job. he had checked up on his boyfriend. and yeah, he had gotten a bit worried and maybe a little irrational but he was trying. but apparently no matter what he did or how hard he tried, it was never hard enough. not for cain.

"where do you think you're going?" he demanded, not caring if his words were overlapping with cain's as his boyfriend began to move. "what the fuck are you doing?" he moved to stand as cain began his movements for his crutches, rose to his feet as cain put all the blame on him once more, stepped toward him as cain rose to a standing position. what the fuck did he think he was doing? he was hurt for fuck's sake! he wasn't going anywhere. as cain began to move, jagger reached out and grabbed one of his crutches, his other arm snaking around cain's side to ensure that he didn't fall with the harsh grabbing of one of his supports. "go back to bed," he growled gruffly into his ear, "before i fucking lose it. jesus christ, no, if you don't want to sleep with me tonight, i'll stay on the couch. you're not sleeping out there like this, so get in the fucking bed." which he probably could have put more eloquently but fuck, it was the thought that counted, right? or...at least it was to him.

[/justify]

[cain furion costello]

being with jagger wasn't easy, even being his friend wasn't easy. which cain was sure more than a few people could attest to if they were asked. and being jagger's boyfriend, well, that wasn't so much a walk in the park either. and cain had known going in that it wasn't going to be easy, because jagger would fight him at every turn. he was try to push him away when all he wanted to do was hold him close. he would yell, and scream, and curse, and be angry. and it would be a pain in the ass, but cain knew that jagger was worth it. what they had, was worth it. fuck, cain knew jagger better than anyone. he knew what loving someone meant to his boyfriend. he knew that somewhere in jagger's mind he was still convinced that if he loved someone they would end up dead. he fucking understood why jagger was the way that he was, and why he pushed people away, and why he yelled, and was cruel. he understood it fucking all.

but maybe, just maybe, cain was a bit more selfish than he liked to admit. maybe he would like to think that he could be some sort of exception to jagger's rule of his love was a death sentence, because, they were best fucking friends. they had been best friends for years. they knew each other better than anyone knew either of them. cain fucking knew jagger. he knew what he liked to have for breakfast. he knew his favorites. he knew that jagger would much rather spend his days not dealing with another human being in the world. he knew that the reason jagger was such an ass hole, was because he cared so god damn much about people. cain knew that jagger hated the little marshmallows they put in the instant cocoa packets and if they were going to have mashmallows in their was cocoa it was going to be the real thing. he knew that jagger hated cantaloupe but loved honeydew. he knew that jagger wouldn't eat any fruit that was seedless because it just wasn't natural. cain even knew that jagger hated feather pillows because the feathers always ended up tangled in his hair. he fucking knew jagger.

so was it such a far cry to ask that jagger not put him through the same pushing you away because you mean so much bullshit that he put everyone else through. maybe this was why people said you should never date your best friend. it was like cain had been lumped into a different category since they'd become boyfriends. and of course he saw that jagger was trying. fuck, the first few weeks that they had been home he had been the most honest and open that cain had quite possibly ever seen him. but something had switched. or maybe the honeymoon effect had wore off. or fucking something. cain didn't even know how to pinpoint where the change had happened or why. all that he knew was that jagger was starting to treat him like he couldn't see through every mask that jagger put on and it was pissing him off to no end. he wasn't just some boy. he was fucking cain costello. the same boy who knew that jagger had to have his inks lined out in the correct color pallet. they'd lived together as close as two men possibly could for so many years. cain just wouldn't stand by being treated like they weren't best friends first. like he didn't know him.

there was no room for talk then, though, because at this point cain's temper was flaring. and even though he was the more level headed of the two, that didn't mean that he didn't lose his cool as well. and he lost his cool right when jagger took his crutch from him and then wrapped his arm around him. "what the fuck am i doing?! what the fuck are you doing? i'm not a god damn child jagger, don't fucking tell me what to do," he spoke in harsh tones before starting to push his boyfriend away from him. his eyes were well and narrowed into a glare and his jaw was set as he looked at his boyfriend. he had never wished that he had all his strength more than he did right then. because then he could just walk away. then he could shove jagger off of him without the risk of falling over and getting even more hurt than he was. then he wouldn't have to stand here and deal with jagger telling him what to fucking do.

"no, let go of me," he demanded before leaning his weight on his good leg then shoving jagger away from his as best he could. "I'm not fucking broken. stop treating me like i'm fucking broken. you're going to stay up here, in your fucking room. and i'm going to take the couch. and that's fucking that," he spoke sternly before using the crutch that hadn't been stolen from him and heading for the door. he didn't give a fuck about the pain. right then he just needed to prove to himself and jagger that he could do this on his own. he didn't need help. he wasn't fucking broken, no matter how broken he really did feel.