would you stay would you go - [jagger/cain/del]

[cain furion costello]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 2em; -moz-border-radius: 2em; background-image:url(http://i54.tinypic.com/14e9a45.jpg), width: 400px; height: 400px;] You're guaranteed to run this town Woah, Mona Lisa, I'd pay to see you frown He senses something, call it desperation Another dollar, another day And if she had the proper words to say, ( She would tell him But she'd have nothing left to sell him --------------- ! ) nothing about any of this was right. there was nothing about this situation that was right and if he didn't have jagger there he would've probably be losing his mind even more than he already was. because at least jagger was consistent. at least jagger was someone that he knew, that he loved, that was right, that he knew was a right, except, not even jagger was right. all that was right about jagger was that he was there and he'd kissed him, but his ring tattoo wasn't there. and he looked just as confused about everything as cain himself did. which wasn't comforting. he wanted jagger to at least know what was happening and what was going on. so that at least jagger would have some answers for him. but then jagger was speaking and he didn't know what was going on either, and he seemed to be just as lost about the whole thing as he was. at least though he was holding him. that was all that cain really needed in that moment. he needed his boyfriend to hold him, and to kiss his head. and maybe if he closed his head everything would be alright again. he would go back to where he had been, and this would prove to just be some horrible kind of dream. one that he knew was more a nightmare than anything. because he was in pain, he hurt, nothing was right, his ring tattoo was gone, and so was jagger's and none of that made sense. not one damn thing about it made sense. for a moment he just closed his eyes and buried his face into jagger's chest. he took in his scent, let himself pretend that they were back at their home, and that he was not in the hospital bed. for a few moments, it was working. he was able to just escape by letting jagger hurt him, the pain in his body be damned. then more words came, and he felt his breath starting to get heavy all over again and his heart pounding. cain pulled away from him his blues landing on jagger's own darker orbs. "yes, i was jagger. are you fucking retarded? i was in a car wreck in 2012 and i almost died. god why are you acting like you don't remember that jagger? what the fuck is wrong with you? did you hit your head or something?" but then more of jagger's questions came and cain's eyes grew wider. because this had to be a nightmare, this couldn't be right. nothing about this was right and it just, it couldn't be real. how could it fucking be real? "milo is your nephew. ya know, jason and alec's kid. probably your favorite person in the world. fuckin' christ jagger, how do you not remember this shit?" what was confusion was quickly turning into anger, as things usually went with cain. and the anger was quickly becoming more and more heated. "and our ring tattoos. you know, the ones that you fucking drew. because fuck if we're gay enough to get married. fuckin' a jagger, this isn't funny, if this is some elaborate joke i suggest you fuckin' knock it off right now." and with that he pulled fully away from jagger and started looking around the room. then his eyes landed on a calendar on the wall that read that it was 2012. this joke was only getting more and more fucked up. "okay, fine, whatever, i get it, jokes on me, ha fucking ha, i want to go now." because there was no way that this could be real. and it had to be a joke. and that meant that there was no way it was real. but the pain, that was real. and quite possibly the only thing that was causing him to think that maybe, just maybe, he was the one that wasn't thinking right. ♥ ♥ ♥ template by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0 LYRICS BY PANIC AT THE DISCO

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[jagger owen wilson]

s h o u ld i g i v e u p o r s h o u l d i

just keep chasing pavements even though it

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[atrb=width,240] what? what the fuck was cain going on about? nephew? alec and jason....kid? married? he sort of gaped at cain, unsure of what to do or say. how did someone respond when their best friend was convinced that they were in the year 2017 and married-but-not-really and that their little brother had a kid with a boy they didn't even like named fucking milo of all the god damn gay names in the world? he didn't know how to react. fuck, as far as he knew, there hadn't even been a lifetime movie made about this fucking shit for reference so he couldn't just text the gayest person on his phone (zane) and ask him what the fuck he was supposed to do in a situation like this. he was left on his own and honestly, he didn't know what to say. how did he tell cain that they weren't even dating? or well, not yet though he wanted to change that. how did he tell him that he was remembering a future that didn't exist? how the fuck was he supposed to tell him any of that? no one prepared him for that. no one told him he'd have to do any of that hard shit and to be honest, he didn't know if he had it in him though if cain kept giving him lip he was about to find out how mean he could still be after a few days of no sleeping. it was just that...whatever world cain must have come back from must have been pretty damn amazing judging by the shit he was spewing at him and the way he'd kissed him when he walked over. he wondered for a moment if it was shitty of them to bring him back. then he remembered that living in dreams was probably more dangerous than facing reality and just made a mental note to try and bring that happiness into cain's life after they'd gotten him out of the god damn hospital. well, if cain would let him anyway. he really needed to stop making decisions about a relationship that didn't exist. "cain, i don't know what the fuck you're talking about, it's actually 2012..." he started to explain but before he could get anything else out, kendall was walking in and grabbing his arm, saying a none-too-delicate, "fucking move, jagger, and tell me everything he's told you," before releasing him and checking on cain's ivs, the machines keeping whatever fucking data they needed, shit jagger didn't understand. she began speaking softly to cain ("deep breaths, sweetie, i need you to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. deep breaths.") and rubbing soothing circles on his back, his shoulder, his temples. she turned and cast jagger an annoyed look, like he was supposed to be doing something and he remembered with a slight start that he was supposed to be talking. "he thinks it's 2017," he started, which made kendall tsk and turn her gaze back to cain. "alec and jason have a kid. milo. me and him - cain not milo - are...uhm...i think married but not?" kendall snorted and mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like, "only you two," but he couldn't quite make it out. "well we're together regardless. babysitting i guess. uhm. we had tattoos. matching ones, rings. i think. he remembers the crash but is convinced it was five years ago and not now." he bit his lip, thinking back to what he was relaying. when he was sure he'd said everything he could, he added, "now could you just move out of the fucking way so i can hold his hand or something? shit, don't fucking crowd him." "don't tell me what to do, jagger wilson. we're in a hospital, i could probably get away with stabbing you." she started speaking lowly to cain, telling him to calm down and close his eyes. "you've been dreaming, sweetie, it's something that happens sometimes to people who have fallen into comas. only a few days have really gone by but in your head it feels like more. i normally am not supposed to explain this but i think you can handle it, okay? jagger, come here, rub his back while i run some tests to check his nerves, reflexes...you should have gotten me as soon as he woke up." jagger rolled his eyes but stepped forward to take over the soothing motions that kendall had been making on cain's back, watching as she rechecked his friend's ivs and scribbled some things down on a chart she grabbed from the foot of his bed. he tore his gaze away from her and back to cain, asking quietly, "dude, are you okay?"

[atrb=width,100] words , enough to TRY AND REPAIR MY FUCKING HEART tagged , kit as delilah and groggy cain ! notes , just bless me lord for i have jain'd. asldkfja;lkdfa

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[cain furion costello]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 2em; -moz-border-radius: 2em; background-image:url(http://i54.tinypic.com/14e9a45.jpg), width: 400px; height: 400px;] You're guaranteed to run this town Woah, Mona Lisa, I'd pay to see you frown He senses something, call it desperation Another dollar, another day And if she had the proper words to say, ( She would tell him But she'd have nothing left to sell him --------------- ! ) cain didn't know a lot of what was going on, he didn't understand what was happening, and he couldn't rightly process everything, and he was about ready to throw a fucking fit over all of it. because if there was one thing that he was understanding right then, it was that he didn't like what was happening. he didn't like that he was in a hospital bed and jagger looked as confused about what was going on as he did. he didn't like that something was just...off about the way that jagger was talking and didn't remember anyone. and he wasn't an idiot. he had a feeling that maybe it was him that was the fucked up part of this equation, but that didn't stop the panic that was filling him. because nothing, absolutely nothing right then, was right. not even jagger. and jagger was always the right thing in his world. his touch stone. his safety net. and here was jagger, unsure about things, and it was scaring the shit out him. and then his eyes brow wide when jagger spoke again and he almost couldn't handle what he was saying. he was about to start talking himself when kendall came into the room. eyes darted from one to the other and as soon as she moved jagger away from him all that he wanted was that wilson boy holding his fucking hand again. because he was scared, and he didn't know what was happening, and it was all more than he even wanted to process or deal with. he just wanted to go back to the life he'd just been living. he just wanted to be back there, where he wasn't in a hospital bed, where jagger was playing with milo. he didn't like what was fucking going on right then. he down right hated it. he watched as she checked everything that was connected him, and he watched almost with a distance vibe to him as he heard jagger talking about what he knew was the truth. things that had been his reality for five years, yet, here was jagger talking about them like he never fucking lived them. like...it was a dream. everything that had been real and good in his life felt like it was being ripped from him with each word that dropped from jagger's lips. and then kendall was talking and it took him a moment to really process what she was saying, his eyes slowly turning from jagger to look at her. and there were tears forming. because, this wasn't right. this couldn't be reality. even if it did make sense. it was a dream. all of it, it was all a dream. everything that had made him happy, his relationship with jagger, it was just a fucking dream. which meant....which meant that they weren't together. which meant that only kendall knew that they'd been having sex with years. which meant that those words that jagger had said were still fresh, and the way that his heart was breaking over his best friend was still a reality. and if that was all just a dream, then maybe it would never happen. if it was all just some kind of dream, then, there was a chance that he would never have jagger. that kissing him had been something wrong. that he wouldn't be able to kiss him again. or hold him again. or just be with him. because....in this reality, in the so called real world, they weren't together. he had gotten so into his mind a few tears falling down his cheeks in slow trickles that he hadn't even noticed when jagger had taken kendall's place until his voice came to his ears. he turned those blues to look at his best friend, still brimmed with salty water. "no...i'm not fucking okay." his jaw clenched and he looked away from him down at his body, to his leg. "put me back to sleep. i don't want to be awake. hit me over the fucking head or something. just let me go back to fucking sleep. let me go back there." frantic eyes turned to look at jagger again and his jaw clenched. "i can't live in a reality where i don't have you, so have some god damn sympathy and fucking put me back in that god damn coma." ♥ ♥ ♥ template by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0 LYRICS BY PANIC AT THE DISCO

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[jagger owen wilson]

s h o u ld i g i v e u p o r s h o u l d i

just keep chasing pavements even though it

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[atrb=width,240] he didn't know what to focus on. kendall or cain or himself or where del had gone off to or if he should be checking out anything he could when it came to cain's injuries or if that would just piss kendall off...he didn't know. he hadn't ever been in this situation before. it had never ever been this fucked up. he'd always known what to do when someone was hurt because it was never complicated. he could just offer up some sarcasm and a hug or if it was cain he could usually just wait until they were alone and kiss him and attempt to make it better with a few rough touches and a few minutes of his time. but he couldn't do that now. because cain was hurt badly and cain wasn't his and their relationship or friendship or whatever it was was strained and he didn't know how to react to all the confusion. hell he didn't even know where to look. and he tried to just continue the soothing motion on cain's back but then he was turning to look at him, to face him, to talk to him and it hit him that in his confusion and in his panic and in this twisted state he had forgotten that cain loved him. he had forgotten how he had put him there, the things that he'd said, and he'd forgotten for a moment that bringing cain back into the world meant bringing him back to that. back to knowing that jagger had said he didn't want him. back to knowing that they weren't together like they were in his dream. back to knowing that there was such a strain in their friendship, that it was actually surprising jagger was there at all, that he had been ignoring him like a prick all this time and the look in cain's eyes as he spoke, as he told jagger to put him back in that coma...it broke his fucking heart. he could feel kendall staring at them from the foot of cain's bed, could feel her knowing stare, could almost hear her thoughts. how she was waiting for him to stop being a coward and tell cain how he felt. how she was waiting for him to tell cain that it was going to be okay, that they could be together. but he couldn't find the right words and looking at cain just made it harder because he had hurt him. the look on his face said it clear as day and forget the ivs and the injuries and the pain, jagger hadn't just hurt him physically, he had hurt him in a much more irreparable way and that reminder was enough to knock whatever romantic notion he'd had out of his brain as he gaped at cain's words, trying to find it in him to be anything but rude. but at the suggestion that cain ever leave him like that again, the only thing he could feel was fright which his mind automatically changed to anger. "uh, no?" he said after a little while and he didn't have to look at kendall to know that she had grabbed the bridge of her nose with her fingers and was now rubbing it, eyes closed as though it would stop him from doing anything more stupid. or at least stop her developing headache. "you must be like ten different fucking shades of stupid that i didn't even know about if you think i am ever, ever letting you go like that again." which was a step up. at least in terms of jagger wilson. and he tried to think of how to explain what he was feeling, tried to figure out how to make the words form in his head without sounding inconsiderate. he had told cain a thousand times while he was out that he loved him. but now that he was awake and looking at him with that heartbreaking stare, he couldn't seem to find it in him to get the words out. and then after struggling for another moment with words, trying to piece them together right in his head, he changed his mind and instead leaned over to press his lips against cain's again in a way that was as insistent as it was tender because he needed him to understand what he was saying while his mind worked to find the perfect words to describe it. because he wasn't his brother. he couldn't make words, even written words, work in his favor and even if he'd had it in him at one point to be a romantic, it was a side of him he hadn't exercised in years, a part of him that was as dead as a doornail. it needed to be woken up and while he could have settled for something less perfect and awkward and unstructured, that wasn't what cain deserved. cain was confused and he was scared and he was hurt and jagger knew it. so he kissed him, he kissed him and tried to find the right words to say. because he'd sent an awful long time refusing to say them. "i love you," he finally said pulling away from him. "i'm sorry, cain, i'm sorry that i woke you up from whatever fucking dream was going through your head but i'm selfish and i love you and if you were to go back into a coma like that again i might literally have to ask kendall to kill me. because i can't stand to see you in pain and i can't stand to see you without me and i can't stand knowing that i'm here and i love you so much and you don't know it and you might never know it if you were to leave me like that again. and i'm stupid and i'm selfish and i'm a lot of fucking things..." he paused for breath, his words coming out quickly and all at once, as if he was afraid they wouldn't ever get out if he stopped talking. "but i love you and i swear to fucking god if you ask me to put you back into a coma like that, if you ask any-fucking-one, i will kill you and i will kill whoever agrees to take you away from me again because i've never been more terrified in my entire life and i need you awake because i need to tell you now what i've told you a hundred fucking times while you weren't awake but i love you, cain costello." he paused again. "okay, i got that out. so if you still want me to put you back in that coma, just say the magic word and i'll sit here and pray when you wake up that you'll just...forget that little bit of word vomit."

[atrb=width,100] words , enough to TRY AND REPAIR MY FUCKING HEART tagged , kit as delilah and groggy cain ! notes , award for first flufff

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[cain furion costello]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, border-radius: 2em; -moz-border-radius: 2em; background-image:url(http://i54.tinypic.com/14e9a45.jpg), width: 400px; height: 400px;] You're guaranteed to run this town Woah, Mona Lisa, I'd pay to see you frown He senses something, call it desperation Another dollar, another day And if she had the proper words to say, ( She would tell him But she'd have nothing left to sell him --------------- ! ) all he could think was that he didn't want to be in this reality. he didn't want to live this life where jagger was just his best friend, or was he even that at this point with all the shit that had been going on. the wave of pain that hit him in realizing that he was back to this reality, the one where his lover may not even be his friend, and he was going to have a limp, and nothing was right. and who knew if he and jagger would patch things up because fuck if he could remember what had caused them to patch them up in his dream. and in this reality, he had left cain alone in the world. when he had promised that he wouldn't. and he fucking hated it, he didn't want to be here, he didn't want this reality. he just, he couldn't have it. so he had looked to his best friend with begging eyes hoping that he would do one last thing for him because he gave a damn. hoping that he would knock him over the head and put him back in that coma because it was the least that he could do after everything that had happened in the past weeks. and he knew somewhere in him that it was fucked up to ask that of him, and he could see a change in jagger's features all too well the one where he was starting to get pissed. not because he was actually pissed, but because every other emotion that jagger wilson had transferred into being pissed because that was just how jagger was. and fuck if he could pinpoint which emotion he was actually feeling right then and there. he was still in a haze after all, still getting used to the fact that the jagger wilson who was rubbing his back was not his boyfriend. the jagger wilson who was standing right there had never told him that he loved him. they'd never actually been together. this version of jagger almost felt like a stranger. when words finally came he wasn't shocked at what they were. after all, this was jagger and it wasn't like he was going to just agree to letting cain go again. but it pissed him off the way that he said it. made him want to shove that so-called best friend of his away from him but right there he couldn't really do much moving, still in a state of shock. his face did twist into a look of irritation and he was about to say something, about to let some snippy remark leave his lips. about to try to cut him to the bone with his words so that he could feel maybe a fraction as shitty as cain himself felt. but then, then he kissed him. and for a moment, cain didn't know what to do. jagger was kissing him, and it wasn't just some heated kiss shared in a moment of mutual rage or irritation. it was so much more. it was the kind of kiss that was saying so much more than he knew that jagger could come up with words for. after the initial shock of it he returned the kiss, working his lips with those of a man that he had no clue was to him right then. but he was kissing him, and that was the first right thing that he'd felt since waking up. fingers moved into his hair and he held jagger's face against his own not wanting to end the lip lock. cain was reluctant when he pulled away from the kiss twenty different shades of emotions all at once and all he wanted to do was kiss jagger because that was the only thing that felt right. at those first words (and then the millions that followed) a look of shock came over his features. did he really just say, what cain thought he said? but the talking wasn't stopping either. he continued to speak, to rattle on and it was all that cain could do to just sit there and process everything that he was saying. he was quite sure that in the past ten years or so of friendship he had never heard jagger say so much in such a short span of time. and that within itself was shocking. but what was also shocking was what he was saying. and cain felt almost literally like he couldn't breathe. for a long moment he just stared at him, gape mouthed and baffled just stared. but slowly yet surely that stare turned into a smile, something simple, but more happy than anything else had been since he had woken up. and his eyes moved from being locked on jagger's down to his lips then back up to his eyes. "you are such a fucking idiot," he spoke, but there was no harshness in his voice, and he couldn't rightly figure out why he was calling him an idiot, but he just was. and then that hold on jagger's hair pulled his face close for another kiss, this one short lived and when he ended away he kept their faces close. "i love you too. and you're my boyfriend now, and you're just going to fucking deal with that or i swear i'll limp my hobbled ass into oncoming traffic you got me?" his smile widened before he kissed him again, all the fear, all the hurt, all the everything that had been there just moments before was gone now. and all there was, was jagger. but then one very important question crossed his mind and he turned his attention to kendall. "hey, kenny, how soon can i have sex again?" ♥ ♥ ♥ template by hay shay ! @ caution 2.0 LYRICS BY PANIC AT THE DISCO

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[jagger owen wilson]

s h o u ld i g i v e u p o r s h o u l d i

just keep chasing pavements even though it

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[atrb=width,240] that was terrifying. jagger had done a lot in his time. he played with guns and juggled with his life, raced cars he couldn't afford to crash, played with fire constantly just to see how much pain he could take. he was careless for a long time. he didn't care about his life for so long that the fear of dying didn't hold him back from doing stupid things. bring on death. see if he cared. but even after he'd gotten his common sense and desire for life returned back to him, he had never done something as terrifying as what he'd just done. he didn't say a lot. he was a man who hid his feelings and though cain was usually able to pick up on what he was talking about, this wasn't one of those things that could just be implied. his emotions were kept in check and he rarely let himself talk like that. but for cain, he'd spent too long keeping himself in check. he deserved to hear everything that popped into his head and he'd let it loose. and now he could just wait. that was the scary part. he didn't know how cain was going to react. yes, cain loved him. and yes, when he kissed him, cain responded in a positive manner and he hadn't yet punched him so he figured that was a really, really good sign. but cain didn't know jagger knew he loved him for one, since that was a conversation he need not have eavesdropped on and in addition to that, jagger had been cruel to him anyway. avoided him. refused to speak to him when he was on bed rest. let him go on with life like it wasn't killing him to know that he was with someone other than him. what he'd done was horrible and what he'd done was inexcusable and if cain hated him for it and remembered that he hated him, then all of what he just said was for nothing. and that was scary. to make it worse, he wasn't doing anything. just staring at him, gaping at him, and jagger felt a twinge of annoyance at his silence. but then he was smiling and jagger could feel himself let out a breath that he wasn't aware he had been holding in. then cain called him an idiot and even though it should have annoyed him it didn't and he felt himself smile as cain pulled away from another quick kiss, a full smile that rarely adorned his features as he surveyed cain's smiling face with his eyes. and then the word was coming out of his mouth and fuck if it didn't make him just attempt to smile wider. boyfriend. he would have been a fucking moron if he objected to it and he leaned into cain's second kiss, elated in the gayest of fashions over the fact that he was kissing his boyfriend. his boyfriend. not his best friend. not the person he had sex with when he was upset. not someone who belonged to anyone else. his boyfriend. his boyfriend who was alive and awake and okay and who could kiss him...and who apparently had his sense of humor back. he chuckled at the question though he did turn to kendall with a little bit of genuine curiosity. not that he was only willing to be with cain to have sex (though that was a definite perk) but it would also let him know when he'd be able to be up and moving again. when he'd be able to come back and lay with him in his bed and make up for lost time. kendall looked back at them with an odd look on her face, like she wasn't sure if she should be judging them harshly or happy for them. by the look on her face, it was a mixture of both with some added confusion and maybe even a tiny bit of annoyance at the fact that it took them this long to stop being morons and stop panicking and screaming for five seconds and actually talk about their stupid homosexual feelings. finally, though, when jagger raised his eyebrows as though repeating the question mentally, she sighed and said, "honestly i don't know how you two are in bed. don't want to know how you two are in bed. but it all depends on you, cain. you're the one in pain but i don't recommend that you put too much strain on that leg of yours for a while. if you guys are going to do anything within the next few weeks, it should be gentle. in a month or so, though, so long as you don't top, you guys should be fine going as fucking nuts as you want." she shook her head again, smiling slightly. "you two are such morons. i'm going to go talk to one of the residents about how long we have to keep you. don't break anything, for the love of god." and then she walked out of the room and jagger shook his head turning back to cain, kissing him again as a simple reminder that he was awake. "so," he said, pulling away with a small smile, "boyfriends, huh?" he chuckled. "who woulda guessed?" he kissed him again. "i love you."

[atrb=width,100] words , enough to TRY AND REPAIR MY FUCKING HEART tagged , kit as delilah and groggy cain ! notes , i just love them so muuuuuuch.

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