AND I DON'T EVEN NEED YOUR LOVE [cain]

[jagger owen wilson]

he didn't get cain. he thought he did. he thought he knew cain like the back of his fucking hand. because when it came down to knowing who cain was, maybe he did. he knew all his favorites - favorite color, favorite food, favorite soap opera, which outfit was his favorite. he knew how he liked his food prepared and what kind of tattoos he liked doing and which ones he was more apt to get. he knew what side of the bed he slept on and how much of the blanket he would hog and he knew how he liked to be greeted in the morning and the exact way to kiss him goodnight at night. he knew weird shit about cain that no one should ever know about their best friend - things that made their relationship when it was going good, things that no one, not even kendall, would be able to say that they knew.

but he didn't understand him. he didn't know why cain always liked to sleep so that they weren't facing each other, though he figured it probably had something to do with morning breath. he didn't know why he gave him the many looks that he did throughout the day. he didn't know why sometimes when he made a joke, cain would respond well and other times he wouldn't. he could learn to read the signs to tell him if cain was in a bad mood or not. but he would never understand him the way that he wanted to. there was more to a person than just being able to read them and while he wished that one hundred percent of the time he knew what was running through cain's head, the fact of the matter was that he didn't. cain worked hard to keep himself closed up. half of the time, jagger was ninety nine percent certain that what he said was bothering him actually wasn't bothering him at all. it was just an excuse to hide something bigger that he was never going to talk about.

and it sucked. he knew that he wasn't easy to understand but fuck usually most of the time people could tell if he was sad-angry or worried-angry or happy-angry or whatever variation of angry he happened to be feeling that day. with cain, some days, he just had no fucking clue. he had no idea what was bothering him or if anything was bothering him at all or if he was just stuck in this little mind palace filled with thoughts that he had no idea any one person could even think because sometimes his worries were just so fucking ridiculous. cain was complex in a way that he didn't know people could be complex and while he loved him for all of his faults and all the things he showed to jagger and all the things he didn't show, being with him was just a pain in the ass sometimes because he did this. he got irrational and he snapped and he ran away and he never, ever told jagger what was really wrong. ever.

but for all the shit that he pulled, jagger loved him, far too much for his own fucking good, and he'd be damned if he was letting his boyfriend sleep on the couch when his leg was still as fucked up as it was. cain felt it nice to stay in their bed all day well then fuck it, he could stay there all night, too. but he wasn't letting him walk away. he was really too fucking sick of watching his retreating back disappear behind a slamming door. for once, he wanted to just know where he was and see him safe in bed and for once he wanted cain to know what it felt like to see someone you love walk away from you even if just to save your sorry ass from one more uncomfortable night sleeping with a leg that was already more fucked up than he liked to see. and for once he wanted cain to just listen to him and take his kindness and for once just not fight him and just fucking...listen. that was all he wanted.

"will you stop that?" he reached out to grab hold of his crutch again, this time leaving it for support while still holding onto cain to steady him. "jesus fucking christ just stay here and let somebody care about you for five fucking seconds." he knew he wasn't taking the best approach to this. odds are, yelling at him and swearing at him wasn't going to make him any more responsive. but there was no reasoning with a guy like cain and to be honest, he didn't have it in him to even try and attempt. he wasn't jason. there was only so much he could deal with before he snapped. "now turn your ass around and get back in our bed while i go down to the couch. this isn't about you and me and your fucking leg, cain. even if it wasn't hurt i wouldn't let you go down there and i'm definitely not letting you go because it is. turn. the. fuck. around."

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[cain furion costello]

maybe jagger and cain would never been one of those couples that could just so easily be with one another just because of their personalities. jagger would always be some variety of angry, and cain would always avoid talking about what was really wrong. because even though jagger was his best friend, cain didn't like to talk about some things. he was a prideful son of a bitch. and even though he loved his boyfriend, and there was a huge part of him that just wanted to stop putting up these walls, he knew that he wasn't the only one. because they were both closed off. they both didn't like to talk about their emotions. and they both had a tendency to hold things in until they exploded. that was just how jagger and cain had always worked. but cain was starting to realize that maybe they wouldn't work like that if they were going to be with each other. because he knew that he was getting pissed off with jagger's way of dealing with things, and he was pretty sure that jagger was getting fed up with cain's way of dealing with things too.

it wasn't such a big deal when they were just best friends. it didn't seem to matter so much. not that they had been just best friends for a while now. but now, since cain woke up, there was a title to what they were. they were boyfriends. they were supposed to open up to each other more. cain looked around at the couples around him with some sort of envy, because he just couldn't understand how they did it. how jason could just, tell alec exactly what it was that he was feeling. and how zane could know how mickey was feeling without even being told. fuck, even the lesbians had some sort of process to their relationship that seemed to work. as for him and jagger, it had always been the same song and dance. get pissed off at each other, then yell for a little bit, then have sex and it was done. and as much as cain did love having sex with his boyfriend, that whole just dropping the subject shit, wasn't seeming to work as well as it used to. cain knew that jagger deserved to know what was going through his head. he knew that he should just fucking open up and talk to him, but once again his pride was standing in his way.

the same pride that wanted to push jagger away as he held onto him to make sure that he didn't fall. and the same pride that caused him to hold back so damn much from the people who cared about him. the same damn pride that caused him to not expose those thousands of thoughts that ran through his brain. if it weren't for his damn pride, things were be better. if it weren't for the fact that he was self-sabotaging, things would be better. if he weren't a god damn costello, things would be better. but he fucking was. and he didn't know how to just calm the fuck down and be happy with his boyfriend. and he didn't fucking know how to fucking tell him what was wrong, or why he was really upset. all he knew how to do was be angry. and for as much as he told jagger that he was pushing him away, cain wasn't doing much better. the only difference was that he ran away from shit. jagger just said things to push someone away. it was a fucked revolving circle with the two of them, but fuck if cain had any clue how to break the cycle.

the words that came from his boyfriends lips, though, they were enough to stop him from trying to get jagger off of him and get away from him. because nothing was quite a slap in the face like being called out on your shit, and what you were more than a little inclined to do. and what jagger was asking for, wasn't it the same shit that cain was bitching about. jagger not showing that he cared? and yet, here he was, showing just that, and all that cain could do was be pissed. he didn't fight to get away from him though, instead he just stood there and stared jagger down. there was silence after jagger finished speaking in which cain just stared, the look in his eyes not one of being pissed necessarily, though that was there, but there was also some amount of love in his eyes, mixed with sadness. for a man that could be cold as ice at times, there were moments like these where his face showed every damn emotion that he was feeling all at once. because, he was just that type of person who was rarely ever feeling just one emotion.

and so without a word cain pushed jagger away from him, and instead of heading for the door he sat on the bed, tossing his crutch to the side. his hand went to rub his leg slightly as he looked at the ground working his jaw back and forth for a few moments. he felt, like he should say something. anything. but fuck if any words were coming to him right then. all that he had was silence, even if there were millions of words and thoughts going through his head. he could not for the life of him organize then into a sentence.

[jagger owen wilson]

finally. god, it was like pulling teeth trying to get that man to listen to him but he knew he had him the moment cain stopped trying to fight him. his boyfriend was a proud man, prouder and more stubborn than anyone he had ever known before and he knew how hard it was to deal with him sometimes. but fuck him if that meant that he liked it because a lot of the time it made getting him to do simple things very, very difficult. even something as simple as taking the more comfortable option to sleep on. that was the thing about cain that most people didn't get. a lot of people would think that it was stupid that he was fighting to be even more uncomfortable as well as pissed off but jagger knew what he was doing. he didn't want to be babied. he was a man and in spite of all the lady hips and woman jokes that people made at him throughout the day, it didn't change that he was a man with proud feelings who needed to prove that he was self-sufficient. hell, that natural male instinct was what kept a lot of people from being gay. other men were just infuriating.

but jagger understood cain. he understood his pride because fuck, wasn't he the exact same way? wasn't everything in his life a matter of pride and honor and reputation? he knew what it was like to keep up appearances and for once, for fucking once he just wished that with him cain didn't have to. jagger didn't mean to with his anger, he didn't, and maybe cain didn't mean to either with his fucking pride but...it was just hard. so when cain finally listened to him, when he swallowed his fucking pride and sat back down on the bed to massage his leg, jagger could have kissed him. he could have kissed him silly and pushed him back on that bed and done dirty, unthinkable things to him but he knew that if he even dared push it, cain was going to just snap again. so he didn't.

instead he just stepped forward to place a loving kiss on his forehead, pushing his hair away from his face as tenderly as he could manage when he was still annoyed as hell. "i love you," he said softly and then he turned to take his leave, his goodnight's pretty much all said and done. and that was it. he was planning on just going down and sleeping on the couch and then he'd wait for cain to wake up and come back downstairs and if it reached about ten o'clock and cain wasn't down...well, he'd go up to check on him just to make sure he hadn't slipped back away from him. and maybe things would be a little tense because they hadn't yet solved their problems or really talked. maybe it would be a little while before jagger could kiss him again. maybe he'd spend more nights on the couch. he didn't know. but he knew that he would whatever it took, whatever it fucking took to ensure that cain was sleeping in that bed that they typically shared every night until the two of them were able to feel safe living alone. and even then he would work his ass off to make sure cain stayed in that bed, too.

so he wandered tiredly out of the room, not really aware of how exhausted fighting with cain actually made him until he was forced to move on his own. he started to make his way down the stairs, taking each one slowly and gripping onto the handrail to make sure that he didn't fall straight on his ass because seriously, leave it to him to fall on his ass while attempting to do something nice. karma - it didn't always work in your favor. but he got about halfway down the steps before he paused because there were some noise floating up the staircase and hell if he was going to walk down into the living room to see kendall there with one of her friends gabbing away or - god forbid - see her down there with barbra. so he paused to listen to make sure it wasn't his sister.

good news was - it wasn't. the bad news was - it was one of his siblings. not on the couch or in the living room as far as he could tell since jason wasn't that bold but it was loud enough that he could hear it from the fucking staircase and...oh god, no, no man should EVER be telling his brother to do those things. and jason should not respond like that and...oh god, he was going to be sick. his eyes widened slightly when he realized what was happening and he immediately backed up the stairs, not even bothering to turn around. he just walked backwards until he reached his bedroom door and only then did he turn to enter the room again, same wide-eyed traumatized look on his features. "i'm sleeping on the floor," he said simply and he didn't bother to say anything else before flopping down onto the carpet of their bedroom and placing his hand over his eyes, willing the noises he heard to forever exit his brain before he died.

[cain furion costello]

what this had come to, where this fight had ended, wasn't exactly some sort of solution to what was happening between them. because, there were still things that needed to be talked about. there were still problems between the two of them, plus the problems that each man had in and of themselves. this was in no way, the end to this fight. it was just the end to it for the time being. because, maybe both of them were too tired to fight, or maybe both of them didn't have it in them to fight with each other anymore. truth be told, cain had no idea the exactly answer to why they were both just dropping this and going their separate ways. it was probably for the best. the truth of how they were was that they were both fire, they both flared up and all it did was cause the other one to burn hotter. there was no cooling factor for either of them, unless you called sex their way of solving things. which it usually was. it had been, for years. but fuck, it just wasn't the option right then and there. and as much as it hurt cain's pride to sit down and give in to what jagger was saying, he much rather would have a hurt pride than fight with him anymore that night.

he didn't like fighting with jagger. he didn't like it when they were at each other's throats. and no matter how often it happened, he never could get used to it. there was no worse feeling in the world for cain then when he thought that jagger was made at him. actually mad at him. not just jagger's usual hating everyone and being mad at the world and therefore it would come out on cain because he was the closest to him. no, fighting with jagger fucking sucked, and he hated it. but fuck if he had any clue how they were ever going to stop the damn near constantly bickering between them. it was just a part of who they were. and the bickering he could handle, but the knock down drag out fights? those, fucking killed him. and he knew that they killed jagger too. and as much as he knew that he should stop jagger from leaving and they should talk about shit, that just wasn't how cain was. it wasn't how jagger was either. it just, wasn't in their fucking nature. and it fucking sucked because part of him knew that fucking zane and mick probably had a better relationship then they did and if that wasn't a kick in the balls he didn't know what was.

there was a huge part of him that just wanted to grab him when he came to press the kiss to his forehead. there was a huge part of him that just wanted to pull him on top of him and just solve this the way that they knew best. but, he didn't grab him. and he didn't even look up at him as he whispered his own "i love you." cain just sat there, and only when jagger was walking away did he finally lift his eyes to look at the retreating form and he realized right then, just how much he hurt jagger every time that he walked away from him. the strange sort of sting that grabbed his heart as he watched his boyfriend leave, and knew that things weren't okay between them, and even though inside he was screaming for his body to do something. trying to will it into a standing position to stop jagger from leaving, it was like he was frozen in place. stuck just watching jagger walk away. and it fucking sucked. it was like he was being stuck in his boyfriend's shoes and he didn't like it one fucking bit and all that cain wanted was to tell him to get his faggoty ass back in bed.

he didn't though, he just watched jagger leave. and as soon as the door was shut cain moved so that he was back under the covers tossing his arm over his eyes. he wanted to cry. he wanted to scream. he wanted to do something. fucking anything to change all this. to fucking change himself. to, he didn't even fucking know. maybe be more like fucking alec and jason. but no. that wasn't how they were. they got in stupid ass fights, and they said stupid ass shit to one another, and cain had no fucking clue in the world how they were ever going to knock themselves out of this fucking way of dealing with each other. it worked just fine when they were doing nothing more but fucking behind closed doors. it wasn't fine anymore. it wasn't working for them. and part of cain was worried that he was going to lose jagger. something about him walking away just made that stark realization that he couldn't fucking live without his boyfriend.

cain was about to get up and chase him down when the door opened and there he appeared with a look on his face that cain was quite sure he had never seen on jagger's face. "oh....kay....." the costello man drawled and then rolled onto his side to look at jagger better. this was just, incredibly odd. "jagger, are you okay? you look like you just saw the most terrifying thing in the entire world." and really, he did. fuck, cain could've sworn the look his boyfriend was wearing was not one that he'd ever seen on jagger's face. there was an overwhelming need to get down on the floor with him, just to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

[jagger owen wilson]

he knew he should have been worried about his fight with cain. that it went unresolved. that he was going to sleep on the floor next to him instead of beside him in the bed. he knew he should be worrying about what was next for them - were they going to be okay? was he really losing cain like he feared that he was? were they ever going to be able to talk about this? there were a million things wrong with what was happening in their relationship and he knew they needed to talk about it. they needed to sit down and talk about why they were both really upset and discuss what was really happening within their relationship that made them both so god damn tense. and then they could figure out how they were going to work on it and for once be some sort of stable couple that jagger knew, just knew from the dream cain described to him that he had when he was in his coma, that his boyfriend wanted.

but he couldn't focus on that. all he could focus on was the noises he had just heard, the sounds that had drifted to him from his brother's room. he knew he should have expected it one of these days. their house wasn't exactly big by any standards and he had already overheard kendall many, many times. hell, he'd walked in on kendall more times than he cared to remember and though that was scarring at least he could deal with it. but shit, jason used to blush every time jagger walked into the room and he was holding hands with somebody. jason was innocent and jason was young and jason was the last hope for the wilson family to have any sort of dignity or esteem. but from what he heard, any respect jason used to have toward the sanctity of his relationships was out the window because that...that was not something he thought even KENDALL got into and that was saying something. those words coming from his sister's mouth might have made him disgusted but certainly not surprised. coming from jason's, though...it was all he could do not to just turn over and hurl.

he had nothing against sex in the house when other people might be awake. hell, when he and cain wanted to have sex they just sort of...let it happen. and they had been slowly breaking their usual habit of keeping it as quietly as physically possible much to the displeasure of anyone who happened to be wandering around upstairs at the time. but it was different with jason. things had always been different with jason. things that he let slide when it came to kendall were never going to be the same with his younger brother for the simple fact that he was his younger brother. and jagger loved him, even if he had the weirdest way of showing it. maybe he was rude about his relationship. maybe he had freaked out a little bit when jason had first started dating a boy. but fuck, he loved his little brother more than he loved a lot of people in the world and hearing that...it was like hearing his own child. and even if there were more important things going on in his life, he couldn't help but just lie there, completely stunned.

he turned his head at the sound of his boyfriend's voice, lifting his arm slightly to peek at him from under his view. but he could only manage it for a second before he covered his eyes again and groaned out dramatically, "just leave me here to die." maybe he was taking it a little far. maybe the side of him that was more like his older sister was finally shining through but seriously, his night was already shitty enough without having to hear jason and alec going at it like two sex-deprived animals. and he knew that those two were far from sex-deprived so it just made the thought that they were always like that so much more disturbing. sure, when he was nineteen, he and cain were pretty much at the peak of their sexual exploration. they were trying new things, being teenage boys who had no connection that they dared to speak out loud beside their desire to have sex with one another. of course they got up to some weird shit. but never, ever anything like that.

eventually, though, he turned onto his side and moved his arm to support his head so that he was looking up at his boyfriend, still looking slightly disturbed but not nearly as terrified. "i just walked to the entrance of hell," he said, his tone as serious as he could make it. and that was honestly the best way to describe it. he had ventured into the darkest pits of the earth and stood in the entrance of hell. and there he heard the most disturbing sounds known to man. "you know how sometimes when barbra's over we just don't leave the room because god forbid we hear lesbians in heat?" he shivered. "we can't leave the room at this time either. this is one of those times we can never EVER leave the room, cain, we must never do that." he laid back on his back and covered his eyes again. "i just overheard alec and jason. from the fucking stairs."

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[cain furion costello]

cain had seen jagger in many different sorts of moods. there was angry-angry. then there was happy-angry. then there was sad-angry, worried-angry, and it went on and one. but the look on jagger's face, and the way that he was acting when he came back in the room. there was no anger in that. there was just pure...horror? was that the word for it? was that how he could describe how his boyfriend was appearing as he laid on the floor with his arm hiding his eyes as if it would make whatever he had seen or heard in the all of two minutes he was gone go away. which, of course, it wasn't going to. and fuck, there was no way to unsee or unhear something. they both knew that well enough from living with kendall for so long. there were just some things that you saw or heard when you were living in the wilson household that you couldn't escape or get away from no matter how much you wanted too. just like the time that jagger had walked in on cain himself and kendall.

the look that he had on his face now was similar to that one, but different in some way. more...just blatantly thrown for a fucking loop. cain was pretty sure that he had never seen jagger in quite a state. which was saying something given that he had seen jagger in every state that jagger had ever been in. this one, this was new. and he had no idea how it was new. and he was getting even less information by the words that came from jagger's mouth, which caused a tilt of the costello boy's head and his brows to knit. "jagger, i think you're overreacting. sure, we got in a fight and that sucks and all, but you don't need to go wanting to die on me because of it," he mused, half-joking, because he wasn't stupid enough to think that this reaction came from the fact that they were fighting. and as much as he knew he shouldn't be finding amusement in this, there was a light smile on his lips. because, there was nothing in the world, absolutely nothing, as comical as over-dramatic jagger. there just wasn't, that was all that there was to it. and cain saw a lot of funny shit in his life, but when jagger started acting more like his sister than himself, all kinds of over-dramatic and all over the place, well, it was fucking hilarious.

all of this was sparking his curiosity though, given that there was nothing that went through his mind that could've caused jagger this sort of dismay. then the words started to come from his lips, and cain's brow rose to his hairline. "uh-huhh..." he trailed off still unsure of what it was his boyfriend was getting at with all this. after all, it wasn't like jagger to just bring up shit for no reason. and even if he had heard the lesbians when he left the room that wouldn't have sent him back inside the room with the look that was currently plastered on his face. no, this face told of a horror even those lesbians couldn't make happen. it was something more wigged out than he had possibly ever seen on jagger's face. and that's when the story unfolded and cain's own face took on a look of disbelief. "from the stairs?" he repeated and lord if there wasn't a part of him that felt the need to hobble his ass half way down the stairs just to be sure that jagger wasn't just trying to spin him for a loop. "you're kidding me..." he said simply sitting there and eyeing jagger for a few moments longer.

then an amused sort of look came onto his features and he let out a small chuckle. this wasn't the time for laughing. he knew that this wasn't the time for laughing. this was probably the worst time to let out a few chuckles about this whole thing but fuck if he could help it. it was just too much. so he let out that small chuckle, and there was a shake of his head before he patted jagger's side of the bed. "get up here, you're too traumatized to be sleeping on the floor." sure, they still needed to talk about shit. and their relationship was still hanging in the balance, but right then, he just had an overwhelming need to hold his boyfriend. and he would kill anyone who would try to stop him.

[jagger owen wilson]

he could have cried. honestly, it was a miracle that he didn't, a miracle that he managed to pull himself together. he had a shit day waking up that morning, a shit day at work, a shit time coming home and arguing, and the icing on the shit cake that was his day was that he got to travel down the stairs to hear his little brother, his innocent little brother, apparently defile some random young man that jagger wasn't even sure how he'd entered their lives. just that one day he'd come home and they'd been sucking face on the couch which was scarring enough to walk in on. no, this was certainly not his day and he was not enjoying this entire thing at all. he just wanted to curl into a ball and fall asleep and wait for the night to end and hope to wake up in the morning in his bed with his boyfriend to find that it had all been on long, strange, horrid nightmare. plain and simple.

but he doubted that was going to happen. he was just going to have to live with the shittiness of the day and when he heard cain's chuckling, he couldn't help but glare and toss out a clearly annoyed, "fuck, man, it ain't fuckin' funny." his glare immediately softened though when cain patted the spot next to him and though it pained him to have to give up on a fight and climb into bed in some sign of defeat, it was either that or get cain mad at him again and sleep on the ground. and when the option of cuddling up to his boyfriend was there...well, there was a part of jagger who still was the same old romantic he had been back when cait was alive and there was still nothing that he enjoyed more than cuddling up at cain's side. so he let his lips fall into a small pout as he climbed into bed with his boyfriend, and he wrapped his arms tight around him, nuzzling into his neck.

honestly? he knew nothing was fixed. he knew that he and cain would probably start fighting again if they didn't talk and he knew the chances of them talking were slim to none. but god it was nice to just abandon everything - all their fighting and stupid words and the fucking world and fucking jason - and curl up with cain again. it was worth all the fighting and hearing his brother in the worst position possible if it got him here at the end of the night: with his arms around this man, burying his face into his neck and kissing and nipping occasionally just to try and keep himself a little sane. there were a lot of things that could throw him for a loop but there was usually one constant - his boyfriend, even if for most of the nights he had curled up next to him, cain hadn't been his boyfriend at all.

so he didn't fight it, just lay with him and tried not to think about what he heard. "thank you," he mumbled quietly before shutting up again, pulling tight to the familiar plane of cain's body and trying to bask for a second in its warmth. fuck, by that point he couldn't even remember what he was mad about. he could only think that he never, ever wanted to hear anything as disturbing as what he'd just heard and if this was god's way of getting him back into bed with the man he loved then god had a really fucking sick sense of humor. but even that didn't matter as he focused on cain and the comfort of their bed and his body and tried to relax himself enough so that he wasn't completely freaking out. though to be honest, his body had put him into a sort of shock that had taken the fight right out of him. there were some things an older brother should just never have to witness.

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