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Post by jason allen wilson on Dec 23, 2011 13:31:22 GMT -5
theres a thunder in our hearts baby  so much hate for the ones we love TAG: HAZEL/LEAF OUTFIT: HERE only the shirt's buttoned ONE LAST THING: hush your post was fine. c: c:
jason let out a sigh of relief when leaf began to answer his question. good. no offense taken. so he wouldn't have to go through the awkward stages of apologizing and saying he shouldn't have asked and having to listen to leaf say no no it's fine it's just not something i want to talk about and all the other things that he was dreading hearing him say. instead he was getting a proper response, even if it wasn't terribly insightful. he guessed that sometimes it really just was that easy for some people - it was that easy for kendall, after all, and he could still remember the day she walked into the house hand in hand with a girl and announced that this was her girlfriend. that was how she came out - no struggle, no fights, and everyone had just sort of stared for a second before blinking past the confusion and decided that kendall would be kendall and they wouldn't fight it.
jason couldn't help but feel bad for being a little disappointed that leaf hadn't fought with it, though. one of the reasons he hadn't gone to talk to kendall about it was because he knew what her question would be - she would ask him if being gay sounded and felt right, and he would honestly have no idea how to handle answering that. he had never had a crush on a guy before, or at least not one he was aware of, and how was he supposed to know if it felt right if he had never done anything? with anyone? sure he'd kissed a girl before but he had a feeling kissing a boy wouldn't be much different. just no boobs. he'd never been in a truly intimate relationship with someone of either gender so he really had no comparison and it would have made her question a lot harder to answer. so he had avoided it, waited for someone who he thought may have struggled or who at least was certain that they could stick with one gender as kendall was also out because as long as it was breathing, he had a feeling she would have no problem falling in love with it. knowing that it was something that came naturally to leaf too was a little disappointing. maybe he really was weird for having problems with it. maybe he was just overthinking things; maybe he wasn't gay at all.
only too much had happened to jason for him to believe that. fitful dreams, restless nights, and memories of a bad touch that felt too good to talk to anyone about. honestly, if he didn't think so much he would have stuck with the first instinct he had that screamed "oh my god i'm gay" at him in his panic, but as it were, he did think a lot and he couldn't just accept it. he had been hoping that there was some way to just....tell. and realize it. but it seemed there was no science to falling in love, no matter what he wanted to believe, and that troubled him. and then leaf asked him the question that nearly made him run from the room. "why do you ask?" honestly, he should have been prepared for that. it wasn't exactly the most common question for a straight guy to ask a gay guy and he could only imagine that the other guy was catching on. he flushed. "it's...uh," he said, trying to figure out how to word it without coming out and saying it out loud; he didn't know if he could handle saying it out loud just yet. "it's just. have you ever like, been confused about a subject in school? so you asked for a tutor or something to help to get you to understand it?" it was a horrible analogy but the only one that he could honestly relate to. "i guess i'm just confused. and looking for some..." he swallowed and wet his dry lips again, cursing himself for his nervousness. "clarification."
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Post by leyton on Dec 23, 2011 15:26:40 GMT -5
c a l l i n' o u t s i n s j u s t t o pass the time my life goes by in the
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g79/Juliart/background_black.jpg');,true][cs=2] B L I N K O F A N E Y E | | [atrb=width,240] It was sort of nice talking to Jason about his sexuality. Not because he had a lot on his mind that he wanted to get off his chest, but because the only people to ever so much as mention boys around him were girls. For some reason it was a topic that was carefully avoided by any male being. A lot of the people he'd been friends with in the past had assumed that because he was gay, that meant that he was in love with them and plotting rape. It was pretty humorous, actually, since the majority of people that had that attitude, Leaf would never have even contemplated going near. It was even more humorous when he came across a gay that assumed that, because Leaf was gay, he would want to be in a relationship, but actually Leaf thought that they were an ugly fucker and wouldn't lay a finger on them.
"It's...uh." Still, Jason sounded nervous. Didn't he understand that there was no reason to be nervous around Leaf? Leaf didn't judge people for things like that, and didn't ever really intentionally offend people. Each to their own; Leaf wouldn't even be bothered if he fell in love with a walrus if that made him happy. Having said that, he was pretty certain that marrying walruses was not legal, and he should probably see somebody about it... "It's just. Have you ever like, been confused about a subject in school? So you asked for a tutor or something to help to get you to understand it?" Leaf thought for a moment. That was rather a strange way of putting it. He could've just said 'I think I might be gay, but I'm not sure,' and that'd require much less thinking on Leaf's part. He wasn't good at figuring things out, and it was quite the shock that he even understood what Jason was getting at. "I guess I'm just confused, and looking for some... clarification."
Clarification? Leaf chuckled. That was another weird way of putting things. "Okay, Jason. I don't know why you're acting so shy, but it's not like I'm gonna be all 'Ew you're gay, go away,' okay?" |
[/b] Leaf felt as though he had to get that out there before he continued. He doubted that it would make a scrap of difference to Jason, and he would probably continue fiddling with the frayed edge on one of the cushions, which was probably frayed to begin with because he fiddled with it so much. "When I was like, I dunno, twelve, I was living in Portugal at a boarding school and I had to sleep in a room with four other guys every night. They were pretty hot guys. During the day I hung out with a few very pretty girls that all the guys loved. Just put it this way, I dreamt about the guys, not the girls. If tits turn you on, you're not gay." He looked pointedly over at Jason, feeling even more sorry for him now. Clearly this wasn't a comfortable situation for him. Leaf got up and sat beside Jason. He was going to put an arm around him, but he felt as though if he did that, Jason would jump out of his skin and run back into his hidey hole. He didn't want to take that risk with him, because cleayl Jason had wanted to talk to somebody about this for a long while. "Have you ever done anything with a guy?"[/b] he asked, hoping that the answer was no. He'd never really looked at Jason in the 'I want to fuck you,' sort of way before, but now that there was a chance he was gay, he was beginning to. It was unlikely he could stand to be in a relationship with somebody that could barely hold a conversation, but if he was looking for clarification, Leaf would be more than happy to be the one to clarify his feelings for him. [/div][/td] [td][atrb=width,100]
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Post by jason allen wilson on Dec 23, 2011 16:32:16 GMT -5
theres a thunder in our hearts baby so much hate for the ones we love TAG: HAZEL/LEAF OUTFIT: HERE only the shirt's buttoned ONE LAST THING: leaf reminded me so much of noah in that last paragraph omg we have to get them in the same thread together soon alksjfa.
leaf made it all sound so simple. like it was honestly just that easy to figure it out. you like dick, you're gay. you like boobs, you're straight. but that was jason's problem. he didn't really like any of it when he thought about it too much, and he supposed that came from the lack of intimacy he'd had in past relationships. he mentioned it to jagger once before, this fear of being asexual, and his brother had laughed it off and told him that when someone got him really fired up, his view about the human anatomy would change. but no one had gotten him really "fired up". the girls he'd kissed had mainly been experimental, like he was still unsure it was something he should be doing and though the girls had definitely gotten more into it, he hadn't and made excuses to pull away and get away from them whenever he could. he'd seen what happened to jagger when he got too close to a girl; it'd killed her. it wasn't exactly encouraging for him to go after one intimately after that. even stopping and thinking about it now with leaf making it sound liket he easiest thing in the world, jason still found himself slightly uneasy with the idea of being with either sex.
maybe that's your problem, he found himself thinking. maybe you're not heterosexual or bisexual or even gay. maybe you're asexual. which would make sense but he didn't think that was it either. he wanted to groan in frustration. why was the human mind so complicated? maybe this was why there were homophobes in the world - they didn't want to deal with this journey of self-discovery. they didn't want to go through the emotional turmoil so instead of looking deep inside of themselves and realizing they too could be gay or they could harbor a tolerance for people who were, they shut out their deeper selves and used hate as an excuse to ignore nature. he had to admit, it wasn't easy. he felt envious suddenly of the man sitting beside him, of his sister wherever she was who had just danced through this struggle. he wished he, too, could have taken the same lessons on being free as they had but he instead felt caged by his broad range of thoughts and emotions. like they were holding him back from discovering the obvious.
leaf stood up and took a seat beside jason the younger boy looked back at him with a look he was so familiar with that it was a wonder it wasn't the expression permanently on his face - surprised and frightened wonder. like he had never realized he could sit next to another boy before. again he asked another dreaded question. "have you ever done anything with a guy?" beyond being sexually harassed by teachers? or did that count toward anything too? jason wasn't sure. and to be honest, he wasn't sure how much about that he really wanted to talk about leaf with when it was something he hadn't told even his closest of friends. then again, this was a conversation he hadn't even dreamed of having with his closest of friends either. "i...uhm...." his throat tightened, and before he could say anything about molestation charges or weird teachers or his fear of saying anything, he found himself just shaking his head, looking back at leaf with that same wondrous look as he choked out, "no."
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Post by leyton on Dec 23, 2011 17:25:34 GMT -5
i k n o w y o u w a n t m e i w a s o n l y lookin' for a friend and everything i was and everything i've become
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g79/Juliart/background_black.jpg');,true][cs=2] J U S T F A L L S I N T O | | [atrb=width,240] It didn't seem that anything Leaf was saying was helping. He was, honestly, trying to help him. Perhaps he was hoping for something more like 'I was confused for years then one day I saw a penis and just knew.' He didn't know anybody that had a story like that to tell. Most things he'd heard about 'discovering' sexualities had been something along the lines of 'I tried dating girls but it never worked out, so I fucked a guy and bam!' Leaf couldn't really relate to people like that. It annoyed him a little when people made a big deal out of being gay, because really, it wasn't a big deal. It certainly wasn't something to be ashamed or afraid of, as so many were for a lot of their lives. It was a little offensive that people thought that being gay was something that they should hide. At the end of the day, the only thing stopping people talking about it was the fear of people having negative opinions of it or changing their views of you because of it. Leaf, being somebody that didn't give a fuck about that, just hadn't had any problems in the past.
I uhm... no."
Leaf smirked. That was the answer he'd wanted. That was the answer that gave him the excuse to say 'oh, well maybe you should experiment and suck my dick.' He had a sneaky feeling that if he just said that, the answer would be no. He also felt as though it would be a little harsh considering Jason was reaching out to him and Leaf was planning on using him for sexual means. Would it be wrong to use one of his closest friends brothers like that? Maybe not. It wasn't as though Leaf planning on bashing and dashing. He'd still talk to Jason afterwards if they ever did anything. Or would he? They'd never spoken properly before this conversation that he could recall, so why would they ever again? This seemed to be the only thing that Jason wanted to say. After this little bump in Jason's road was overcome, there'd be no reason for Leaf to stick around. He'd be discarded, as he had been by so many in life. It was fine if that was what Jason wanted to do. He always found people to replace others. Then again, would somebody that was this insignificant in Leaf's life even need replacing?
"Oh right. Well why not?" Instead of saying anything vulgar, he did the old 'triangle trick' - looking from one eye to the other, down to his lips, and back up again, moving closer so that he could invade Jason's space. "Maybe you should try it. You'll never know unless you do... soon." |
[/b] He was going to await some kind of response from Jason before making any other moves. It seemed more likely that Jason would pull away, too afraid to do anything, but Leaf wasn't afraid of rejection from people he didn't care much about. He did this sort of thing all of the time - he was used to people pulling away from him or punching him in the face. The poor guy was probably too afraid to say no anyway. [/div][/td] [td][atrb=width,100]
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Post by jason allen wilson on Dec 24, 2011 11:14:44 GMT -5
theres a thunder in our hearts baby so much hate for the ones we love TAG: HAZEL/LEAF OUTFIT: HERE only the shirt's buttoned ONE LAST THING: noah would more than appreciate leaf, omg, the idea of those two in the same room is sort of terrifying and wonderful
his heart had jump-started again, going off at a thousand beats a minute, so fast it made him dizzy. leaf was really close now and he had never, ever been that close to another guy before minus the times when jagger actually used to hug him. all of his encounters had been from at least a few inches away but leaf was right there now and it was hard to ignore. he could feel the heat begin to rise in his cheeks. he wasn't a sexual being by nature. maybe his siblings were, or at least his sister who he was around more often, but jason was a guy who thought holding hands still held significant meaning and felt awkward in his own body ninety nine percent of the time. this wasn't something that he had a lot of experience with dealing with; it wasn't something he could think back and say, "ah yes that's how i dealt with it last time." he had had plenty of firsts but there were some that were just bigger than others. he figured first kiss with someone of the same sex was high up on that list and after that thought he couldn't get the heat to go away.
leaf had a point though. how was he supposed to know if he was gay or not if he never did anything with another guy? if he never tried to extend himself, how would he figure it out? it wasn't like being gay disgusted him. no, being gay didn't even scare him, and it wasn't the idea of being gay that had kept him hiding inside himself for so long. it was the fear of coming out and being wrong - that feeling of being so unsure what he was that he would come out but when he got a boyfriend, he would he wasn't gay at all and the whole ordeal was just him thinking his days and nights away for nothing. that was what scared him. but that feeling would never be clarified if he didn't ever take a chance and here was one of his sister's best friends offering to give him that chance to figure it out. he wanted clarification and now he was being offered it, and it would honestly be rude to make leaf open up and then reject him when he tried to help. it didn't make him any less nervous and it didn't stop the pounding of his heart that he swear leaf could hear and it didn't make him feel any less warm, but it did help him to decide that he had to do this.
he swallowed hoping to ease the tension and tightness in the back of his throat. leaf's presence was sort of disorienting him - shit, how could anyone think with another human body so close to theirs? it made his mind foggy and no matter what he tried to think about the only thing that kept coming to mind was that he was so close. jason didn't mind being close to people, and he had best friends that he didn't mind geting close to and cuddling with or something, but very few times had anyone been this close to him like...well like this. it brought a different feel than someone just laying their head on your chest. it made him dizzy, his mind foggy, his breath catch. it made him act like a twelve year old girl getting kissed for the first time if he were being completely honest, but believe it or not that thought didn't comfort him. he bit the inside of his cheek lightly. "are you sure you'd be okay with it?" it was barely more than a whisper but it brought a little soundness into it. it was a stupid question, sure - it was leaf who initiated this whole thing after all. but he didn't want the other guy to feel like he was...pressuring him. this was good for jason; he needed this. leaf on the other hand didn't have to be this guy. though he doubted leaf would just leave, he still wanted to know if he was thinking it through.
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Post by leyton on Dec 24, 2011 13:27:42 GMT -5
t h e e n d n o w i s e e t h a t y o u a n d me were never meant to be now i'm lost somewhere between
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g79/Juliart/background_black.jpg');,true][cs=2] E L V I S A N D S U I C I D E | | [atrb=width,240] "Are you sure you'd be okay with it?"
This question sincerely confused Leaf. So much so that he ran the words through his mind a couple of times to be sure the he'd heard correctly. What was there to not be okay with? He just didn't understand. Hadn't he been the one to make the first move? Wasn't he the one that was perfectly happy to whip his clothes off there and then even though there was the chance than somebody could walk in on him? In fact, he'd sort of felt as though he was pressuring Jason to do this. If anything, Leaf should have be the one to ask that question. He never would, of course, because he didn't really care if somebody was okay with something, as long as they were willing to do as he wanted. Still, he'd just discovered that Jason's mind worked in strange ways, and to him, it probably seemed as though Leaf may, for some reason, not be okay with it? Or something.
With a look of confusion, he decided that any kind of response would be completely pointless. He'd taken it as a response to his unspoken question, and a response that was "Yes, Leaf, you may put your penis inside me." Maybe he wouldn't take things that far just yet. He didn't want to freak out his best friend's brother too much. Jason would probably overthink a simple kiss and somehow twist it into something that it wasn't.
Leaf leaned closer and pressed his lips against Jason's softly, pausing so that they were just millimeters away from each other. Assuming that things were okay, he placed his hands on Jason's waist and pulled him closer so that their bodies were almost touching, but still allowing Jason some freedom to pull away if he so wished. That was one thing that Leaf considered a great nicety; he would never force people to do things, he'd just guide them down a route that would most likely end up being beneficial to him, but cleverly disguise it as something different. He closed the space between their faces one more, this time parting his lips slightly. He'd ease into things, and see if Jason was brave enough to make any first moves.
His mind wandered. He thought of how much he missed those real kisses. It probably wasn't a good idea to mention Marcus' name moments ago, because he'd end up thinking too much about him. He hadn't had any kisses that had meant anything since him. There wasn't that hazy feeling when he kissed people. He didn't lose the ability to use his brain properly, and he didn't forget how to form words when he was anywhere near them. Leaf could hardly even remember what that was like. He desperately wanted those feelings again, but how he could possibly come close to them without Marcus, he didn't know. Sure, in the heat of things, he often got the hazy, dizzy, stomach-flipping feeling, but it was nothing like being with somebody you loved.
Leaf had a sudden thought. It wasn't a particularly good thought. It was probably also a very unlikely thought... possibly. But he was going to be Jason's first kiss with a guy. He was there, helping Jason decide whether he was gay or not, and the likelihood seemed quite high that he was. He was potentially the only - or only friendly gay person that he knew. What if Jason decided that that meant he liked Leaf as more than a friend? He definitely didn't want that. He was probably only thinking like that because that was sort of what things were like with him and Marcus. Surely nobody else would be like that. Jason wasn't foolish like Leaf was in his adolescence. Jason was an adult. Well, maybe. Come to think of it, Leaf had no idea how old he was. He really hoped that he was over the age of eighteen... Then again, he didn't look like a teenager. Still, he'd been mistaken before. Pulling away now to ask all of these questions seemed like a good idea... but he wasn't going to do that. Leaf rarely pulled away for anything, unless it was to ask for something more.
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lol ohhhh. well we'll have to have them interact at some point ~~~~ i haven't proof read this as per, and i wrote it with several breaks in between so god knows what i wrote
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Post by jason allen wilson on Dec 25, 2011 22:14:09 GMT -5
theres a thunder in our hearts baby so much hate for the ones we love TAG: HAZEL/LEAF OUTFIT: HERE only the shirt's buttoned ONE LAST THING: yeah sorry this was late and pretty crappy on top of it i don't even know sakljaf MERRY CHRISTMAS though c:
he wasn't sure what he was expecting. a sudden flare of heat or passion. a feeling of rightness. something to indicate that this was something he wanted to be doing. isn't that how people always described kisses? with a spark and a bang and a little something to make it feel....right? maybe that was hoping for a little too much seeing as he didn't even know or necessarily like leaf in any way but a platonic relationship that was barely established, but jason had to admit that he honestly hadn't expected to feel...nothing. surely there was something that a person felt no matter what? a tug at the pit of their stomach or maybe even a rush of heat that wasn't because of an insane blushing disorder. but at the initial contact of their lips, jason just felt like...like he was kissing someone. it probably didn't help the mood much that he was still a little tense nor was it probably helping that he was still thinking too much about it. he had been told once that things like this were based on instinct. and in order to recognize that instinct he had to...shut off his brain.
leaf helped him on his way by grabbing him by the waist. from there he was too distracted by the presence of another person's body to think much about anything and it was then that he began to feel the certain stirring in his gut. nothing sickening and definitely not anything resembling butterflies he used to get at the first kiss he had with somebody, but something more than that, a faint awakening like the echo of the embers of a fire beginning to reignite. it wasn't uncomfortable though he had a feeling that it should have been; it just felt right, natural. like it was something that could grow but not in a way that was frightening. more like how warmth started from a match in a fireplace and grew to heat everyone surrounding it. it was something that made him slightly aware of the space between leaf and himself, and it was something that made him close that gap, pressing their bodies together as he began to lose the tension in his muscles.
it was only then, when he felt leaf's lips parting that he began to question what the hell he was doing. this was kendall's friend - someone she saw more often than she saw jason due to the fact that he hid away in his room whenever leaf was around. this was a man he was barely familiar with, one whose age he realized too late he didn't even know. one who he didn't know much of anything about except that he was gay and confident with himself and it was something that he respected him for. and he was kissing him and on top of that enjoying it. it was odd but fascinating, strange but amazing. when he turned his brain back on to begin to contemplate what he was doing, he could feel that ember in his gut begin to die down, and when he turned it off again to let instinct take over, he could feel it grow again. it was amazing and if he could have articulated it without sounding like a moron he probably would have pulled back to do so and ask if that was natural. but instead, he just let his body react, allowing his lips to part as his tongue slipped past his teeth and swiped quickly across a bottom lip that wasn't his own, asking tentative permission, not daring to ask himself what the hell he thought he was doing by the time it was over for fear of killing that spark that had taken such a happy residence deep in his core.
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Post by leyton on Dec 26, 2011 8:26:18 GMT -5
e v e r s i n c e t h e d a y w e d i e d well i've got nothing left to lose after jesus and
| [atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,10,true][atrb=style,background-image: url('http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g79/Juliart/background_black.jpg');,true][cs=2] R O C K A N D R O L L | | [atrb=width,240] Time remained at the same, steady beat that it always did when he did anything like this with people he felt next to nothing for. Nothing changed in his mood. He could find himself thinking about work the next day, or something completely random, because he didn't get caught up in the moment anymore - not from something as small as a kiss, at the very least. A long time ago, the smallest of touches would have had his stomach lurching and his heart skipping a few hundred beats. Even after his ex boyfriend, with those few people that he tried desperately to imagine were Marcus, he'd feel that same lurch from simply kissing. But now that he'd done it so often and so many sparks were dying, nothing happened. It was disappointing. Perhaps some day he'd find somebody that could rekindle the flame that had once burned so fiercely. Until then, he'd continue doing exactly what he was doing now: having fun.
Jason moved closer, in what Leaf took to be an obedient way, as though he was the one to tell Jason to do it, even though that wasn't how it had been at all. That little sign that Jason was enjoying it appeared, like a request to take things further. He pushed his tongue inside Jason's mouth, trying hard not to smile at how strange the situation was beginning to seem. He had hardly ever pictured holding a real conversation with Kendall's brother, let alone sitting on a couch, making out with him. Still, he could not complain. A part of him sort of wished that Kendall would walk in. He didn't know how Jason would react to that. Probably badly. He could just picture the stutters and attempts to think up an excuse for what he'd been doing that would never convince her. He expected that Jason would think that Kendall would actually care, but Leaf was pretty certain that she wouldn't even bat an eyelid. It was rather nasty of him to wish for Kendall to walk in when he was so sure that it would cause Jason distress, but there was no helping the fact that he could surprise himself by wishing such things upon people, though never voicing them.
He ran a hand from Jason's waist to his chest, just above his heart, and ran it back again, missing the turning back to his starting position and instead carrying further down his abs. Now he was experimenting. Kissing was kissing, it was the same for every gender. He'd kissed girls when drunk or for dares, and it had always felt the same as when he'd kissed a guy. But anything more than kissing was very different. He had never taken it further with a girl, even while drunk, because it just didn't appeal to him, or ever really cross his mind, but he was pretty certain that he wouldn't enjoy it much. Leaf let his hand wander further down, staying outside of all fabric, and lingered there for a moment.
Quite suddenly, he pulled away, a dark smile playing at his lips. If Jason had enjoyed that, Leaf could leave him hanging. If not, there was no point in continuing anyway. Life was always more fun with a few surprises. Maybe Jason would learn that some day.
"And we'll save the rest for lesson two," he said with a chuckle, and turned his attention back to the television. Was it a little harsh to say that to him? Well, it was too late now, the words were out. Why should he care anyway, Jason didn't mean anything to him. As a matter of fact, he wondered where Kendall had gotten to, she could entertain him in much better ways. Perhaps she'd gone out. She did have a tendency to disappear without warning. He could always text her and ask her to come back, but he'd probably be heading home soon so there wasn't much point.
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no problemo. hope you had a good day. (: idek, i apologize for leaf, nyehee.
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