Post by scott caleb holloway on Mar 12, 2012 15:00:55 GMT -5
S c o t t || C a l e b || H o l l o w a y
nothing's what it seems to be, I'm a replica of me
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March 12th, 2012
Today is just not a good day. I woke up this morning and it was all I could do to roll out of bed and manage to get to the shower. You see, hot showers usually help when things get bad, it's the getting there part that sucks. It wasn't just my back that made it difficult to get out of bed though. Every day since the accident has been hard, some worse than others. Some days, like today, I wake up and all I feel is empty. I know it sounds dramatic and most likely overly dark, but it's how it feels. I lost everything in that accident. My mother, my father... but most of all, as bad as that sounds, I lost part of myself. I lost Jack. I haven't felt whole since, he was my twin brother and honestly he was half of me. Empty is the main word here really.
Every day I put on this mask and pretend to be fine. After all, it's been a year and a half right? The rest of the world has moved on and they expect me to as well. I guess I understand them, they have enough on their plates themselves. Honestly though, moving on isn't something I find to be very easy. In fact it is killing me even trying. I don't want to move on! I don't want to forget! He was my brother and they were my parents! How does a person just move on from that? I still have nightmares, I mean when I'm awake I don't generally remember much of the accident, but whenever I'm dreaming that's a different story. I see flashes, Jack on the hood of the car with glass sticking out of his chest, my parents... unmoving. It's difficult. It's painful, and I'll wake up and just cry for hours. I don't tell this to many people, it's not something I'm proud of.
I put on the mask and I joke around. Joking is, I guess, my way of coping. I joke and do stupid, silly things and then I also bury myself in other people's issues. The thing is, there has been trouble with the clan, or rather there's been some things going on with Cain, which of course automatically affects the Wilsons, which affects me because well... they're my family now. One of the main problems is that well.. as much as I'm trying to be strong and supportive, especially of Jagger since he's much in the same place I was... hell I'm much in the same place I was... when my family died. Cain got himself into a car wreck. I'm not sure what happened, I think there was something about an argument between Jagger and Cain, but if he got himself into the mess on purpose or not.. Well I'm not sure. It doesn't really matter. Fact is that again I find one of the people most important to me in critical condition because of cars.
Fucking hell, I hate cars. They cause nothing but pain and confusion. So here I am again, one of the people closest to me in danger of being lost. I've been to the hospital a few times but it makes me want to scream. I really have to struggle not to panic every time, but I owe it to Cain and the Wilsons to be there with them none the less. I went by this morning, just to say hi and stuff, but honestly now here I am, on my back on the floor. Not exactly the most unusual thing for me to be doing, but the stress lately have just made things worse. The last couple of days it's been worse than usual, I've had issues even getting up and I've needed to up my meds a bit. Of course I would never go above allowed dosage, I keep to what the doctors tell me would be safe, but it's tempting to take more sometimes. Anyway I guess that's it for now. I need to lie down completely anyway, if I want to stay sane.
Scott
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[right]December 1st, 2009[/right]
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JACK from caution 2.0 made this gorgeous template. He worked hard, so leave the credit on, bitch.
