Post by cain furion costello on Feb 27, 2012 23:24:14 GMT -5
i wasn't supposed to survive that crash. that hadn't been my intention when i had sped through that red light. i was meaning to die. that was what i was meaning to do. i guess....that i've never really been all that mentally stable in my life. parents who didn't want me, a father who beat me, all of that shit. and i don't mean to throw a pity party or anything like that, but it has an effect on a kid it really does. the wilson's though, mostly jagger, they were all i needed once they took me into their house.
and jagger really...he's the reason that i ended up here. in the hospital. i remember coming to in the ambulance. everything was fuzzy, i couldn't quite make out the people, but all i could think was this was not what heaven looked like. or fuck, hell. because truth be told the last thing that i was expecting when i decided to run that light was for me to end up at the pearly gates. god had long since damned me way before i decided to run that fucking light. in retrospect, it probably would've been smarter to drive off a cliff, or something, that was more of a sure deal than driving into traffic.
because now, here i am. in a hospital bed. kendall had been crying when she came into the room. i realized...i had never seen kendall cry before. not once in the years that i'd known her had i seen her cry. i wasn't supposed to be in the hospital again. i hadn't been in a hospital since the night that my father had almost killed me, and this time, it wasn't much better. they wouldn't let her near me at first, and i swear she almost killed someone just to get close to me. to make sure that they were doing everything right. typical kendall really.
everything got fuzzy again, then i remembered waking up in the hospital room. no one was there as far as i could see. why i had expected jagger to come, i don't even know. i should've known better really. he was jagger. and he'd made it more than clear just how he felt about me. which, fine, it was...no, it wasn't fine. and maybe part of me hoped that he would show up. he didn't know. not the first night that i was in the icu when people who were part of my makeshift family were filing in and out. he didn't come when i was stable enough to go into my own room. olivia came though. brad. del. alec and jason. babs. ani. fuck even noah came. but no jagger.
i guess, that it's something i should've expected. that even i could fuck up a suicide attempt. i've never been good at much of anything, it just, i never had a lot to aspire for. jagger was enough, in his way, he'd always been enough. and now, the fucker can't even come see me when i'm banged up in the hospital mostly because of fucking him. which, it's whatever. i shouldn't care. i really shouldn't. i'll just get healed up, keep dating olivia, fuck, maybe i'll even fuck another boy. anything to get that wilson out of my system. fuck him. fuck this. fuck this hospital. fuck the shop. he can do it on his own. just....fuck it.
