Post by spencer on Mar 4, 2012 3:15:05 GMT -5
quote for code.
LOCAL, 20, RECOVERING, STRIPPER/WAITRESS, DAMAGED, ALEXANDRA CHANDO
what makes me this way
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and feel like the dream I was having about it was real; the screams, the rush of hospital personnel, watching my best friend my lover laying on that gurney convulsing and dying before my very eyes. When I wake up I have to grab the picture that I keep beside my bed of the two of us sitting under the golden gate bridge smiling, happy alive. I smile before putting it back down and remember why I moved to Hartford to begin with. I moved here last spring to run away from my life in San Francisco, I won’t lie I picked Hartford because growing up I loved Gilmore Girls, and it was on the opposite side of the country from my problems. My name is Spencer Dakota MacBride and yes I am aware that it sounds like a guy’s name, but well my parents put my name on the birth certificate before I actually came out since all the ultrasounds had said I was a boy but to everyone’s surprise I was born a girl. My father is a writer for Rolling Stone magazine, and my mother is a photographer knows for a lot of photos she took in the sixties. My parents are old balls, like they were hippies in the sixties and had me late in life, I have an older sister Named Ingrid Sunshine that’s what I mean like they were real hippies and after that whole era died down, they sort of just stayed in San Francisco. Now I guess having old parents that were who they were was pretty awesome, I grew up getting to do just about whatever I wanted which was nice to an extent. Next door lived a boy the whole time I was growing up; his name was Alexander. We were the same age and soon became best friends. Alexander and I were inseparable all through grade school and in high school he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said yes and for the next four years I was dating the love of my life, my best friend, my Alex. Now I guess I should tell you that Alexander was into drug. He had been since we were in about seventh grade when he started smoking weed with his older brother and as we got older his usage moved onto heavier drugs such as coke and heroin. His drug use never bothered me, hell I would even toke up with him, and if there was E around I’d probably take it with him. We were both living in the moment wild young and in love; until the night only one of us was left living. It was a Saturday night and we were sitting in his friend’s apartment when he did a line to many in conjunction with the heroin he had done shortly before. I watched as he started going into shock, from then until the hospital is a blur for me, but I can still remember that night in the ER while they tried to pump his stomach and get him to come out of the drug induced shock. They couldn’t and on March fifteenth my Alex left me to live in the moment alone. I blamed myself for his death, I still blame myself even if everyone tells me it isn’t my fault and deep down I know it’s not my fault. I could have said no let’s not go over let’s just stay home and watch movies or go eat or something, or told him he had done enough but I didn’t, and I still feel like his death is my fault. I stayed in San Francisco for about a month and a half until I just couldn’t handle it anymore everywhere I went, so I packed everything up said goodbye to my parents and moved to Hartford in attempts to let myself heal.
where I am today
I’ve been in Hartford for almost a year; it will be a year this may. I am still trying to cope and let myself believe that Alexander is gone and not coming back. Its traumatic seeing someone you love die you know? Well I don’t go to college, I just work. I am a waitress at The Federal Café during the days most weekdays and at night and on Saturday’s I’m a Stripper at Keepers. No I am not proud to say that I am a stripper but for right now it makes me damn good money and its not something that I plan on doing forever. But anyways here I am the girl with the boy name, twenty years old, still running away and trying to cope with my problems and unnecessary guilt and the loss of my soul mate. Before I lost Alex I was spunky and happy and laughed a lot, now you’re going to be lucky to get a genuine smile out of me, I still hurt that much.
Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and feel like the dream I was having about it was real; the screams, the rush of hospital personnel, watching my best friend my lover laying on that gurney convulsing and dying before my very eyes. When I wake up I have to grab the picture that I keep beside my bed of the two of us sitting under the golden gate bridge smiling, happy alive. I smile before putting it back down and remember why I moved to Hartford to begin with. I moved here last spring to run away from my life in San Francisco, I won’t lie I picked Hartford because growing up I loved Gilmore Girls, and it was on the opposite side of the country from my problems. My name is Spencer Dakota MacBride and yes I am aware that it sounds like a guy’s name, but well my parents put my name on the birth certificate before I actually came out since all the ultrasounds had said I was a boy but to everyone’s surprise I was born a girl. My father is a writer for Rolling Stone magazine, and my mother is a photographer knows for a lot of photos she took in the sixties. My parents are old balls, like they were hippies in the sixties and had me late in life, I have an older sister Named Ingrid Sunshine that’s what I mean like they were real hippies and after that whole era died down, they sort of just stayed in San Francisco. Now I guess having old parents that were who they were was pretty awesome, I grew up getting to do just about whatever I wanted which was nice to an extent. Next door lived a boy the whole time I was growing up; his name was Alexander. We were the same age and soon became best friends. Alexander and I were inseparable all through grade school and in high school he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Of course I said yes and for the next four years I was dating the love of my life, my best friend, my Alex. Now I guess I should tell you that Alexander was into drug. He had been since we were in about seventh grade when he started smoking weed with his older brother and as we got older his usage moved onto heavier drugs such as coke and heroin. His drug use never bothered me, hell I would even toke up with him, and if there was E around I’d probably take it with him. We were both living in the moment wild young and in love; until the night only one of us was left living. It was a Saturday night and we were sitting in his friend’s apartment when he did a line to many in conjunction with the heroin he had done shortly before. I watched as he started going into shock, from then until the hospital is a blur for me, but I can still remember that night in the ER while they tried to pump his stomach and get him to come out of the drug induced shock. They couldn’t and on March fifteenth my Alex left me to live in the moment alone. I blamed myself for his death, I still blame myself even if everyone tells me it isn’t my fault and deep down I know it’s not my fault. I could have said no let’s not go over let’s just stay home and watch movies or go eat or something, or told him he had done enough but I didn’t, and I still feel like his death is my fault. I stayed in San Francisco for about a month and a half until I just couldn’t handle it anymore everywhere I went, so I packed everything up said goodbye to my parents and moved to Hartford in attempts to let myself heal.
where I am today
I’ve been in Hartford for almost a year; it will be a year this may. I am still trying to cope and let myself believe that Alexander is gone and not coming back. Its traumatic seeing someone you love die you know? Well I don’t go to college, I just work. I am a waitress at The Federal Café during the days most weekdays and at night and on Saturday’s I’m a Stripper at Keepers. No I am not proud to say that I am a stripper but for right now it makes me damn good money and its not something that I plan on doing forever. But anyways here I am the girl with the boy name, twenty years old, still running away and trying to cope with my problems and unnecessary guilt and the loss of my soul mate. Before I lost Alex I was spunky and happy and laughed a lot, now you’re going to be lucky to get a genuine smile out of me, I still hurt that much.
haha yeah no thanks. I’ve made enough other charries for you to find one from there.
I am maryann, I am awesome and you are jealous of my awesome, I am eighteen and like history and vodka. Kit, Hannah, and Renee have forced me to catch the charrie making bug… those bitches.