One day when you wake (Peter)

[jason elijah rowe]

What the hell had he done? That question kept ringing through his mind as if it was on repeat on a stereo. He was such an asshole and he deserved to burn in hell for upsetting Peter like this. Keeping his arms firmly wrapped around Peter's waist he just tried to give what ever little piece of comfort he could provide. Not that he was in a good state of mind himself, but at the moment Peter was the only one that mattered. How could he even have began to think about doing something that would have hurt Peter that much? Seeing his reaction at even the thought of this made him feel so horrified and disgusted with himself. The fact that Peter didn't hug him back was completely understandable, he didn't deserve the hugs, or the love that Peter so freely gave him. The silence that followed seemed to last an eternity and he was beginning to really believe that Peter didn't have it in him to forgive him for this. Not that he blamed him in the slightest.

It was a relief when Peter finally said something, despite the fact that it was only to tell him the drugs were still sitting where they'd been hidden before Peter had found them. "I'll pour it down the sink the first moment I get, you can even see me do it if you'd like" he promised, his own voice was weak and shaky, if anyone was to walk in on them now, he highly doubted he'd be able to pull himself together and force the tears back. He knew his shoulders were shaking slightly from the rather heavy crying, but there really wasn't anything he could do to stop it at this point. His arms hugged Peter a little closer as the guy's voice trailed off when he said the hospital called. "Saying I'm sorry won't help, I know that, but I really am sorry. I should have been more careful and remembered to drink something other than redbull.." he muttered. Not that his lack of taking care of himself was the most important of the problems at hand at the current moment.

Weakly he shook his head as Peter asked how he could do that, tears again falling more heavily from his eyes. He didn't even know if he had it in him to get any words out at this point, but he owed Peter at least that much if not a whole hell of a lot more. "I'm sorry.. really... I just.. I couldn't bare the thought of living without you.. It was weak and selfish and completely disgusting." he muttered, his voice breaking a few times as he spoke, but he seemed to completely ignore it for the time being. It was all he could do to keep himself from completely falling to pieces. "I love you so much, I really do..." he said, he knew he was repeating himself, but it was the truth. He'd really wanted things to just end, but the thought of leaving Peter and of never seeing him again, well it had stopped him. Though he had to admit at least to himself, that at the time, the thought that he'd be hurting others hadn't crossed his mind.

No he was going to have to be completely and brutally honest and this wasn't going to cut it. Taking a deep breath he squeezed his eyes shut. "But you're right... I wasn't thinking about anyone other than myself. The thought of never seeing you again, even if it had to be at a distance was what kept me from doing it. At the time I couldn't think about anything other than the fact that I thought I'd lost you. I know it's a weak excuse but that's the complete truth of it. That's what made me buy the stuff. Total and complete selfishness. It's disgusting, and I don't blame you if you've lost all faith in me. The truth is though, I'm nowhere near perfect... I never was... I try to be.. for everyone else, and who did I end up hurting? The one person that matters most." again his voice broke several times through his words, but at least he'd managed to say it.

He sighed a little and tried to think of a good reply about the stress things had been causing him lately. "No, this... us.. doesn't stress me out that much, it has it's moment but what really made me buy the stuff was the thought of having to live without you." his voice trailed off a little as he tried to gather his thoughts. "And as for this... for me not taking care of myself.. well yeah, school, the play, football, it all got a bit too much for me. I bit off way more than I could chew. The last few days the only thing keeping me going was redbull... I... I haven't slept much lately. There's always been so many things that needed to be done, and there just wasn't time to do it all. I've been sneaking out to work on my music, at night seems to have been the only time I've had time for it."

This was it, he was going to come clean about everything. "I guess I thought I could handle it, but the last few nights I haven't slept at all" he admitted. It was a hard thing for him to do, to admit that he couldn't do everything he'd set himself as a goal. He hugged Peter as tightly as he possibly could without hurting him as he felt his arms wrap around him in response. "No.. No you can't do that Peter... alright? I promise I will take better care of myself and that there won't be any more drugs anywhere near me. We'll even get rid of my stash of redbull alright?" he spoke hastily, clearly the idea of Peter dying for him horrified him. I love you so much, no more secrets, I promise. If I'm tired I'll let you know, if I can't sleep I'll let you know. I promise I'll keep no more secrets from you..." he knew there was no reason why Peter should trust his promise.

There was still the issue of Peter keeping their relationship secret. He knew it was hard for him, and he knew it was an unfair thing to ask, but the idea of letting the world know about their relationship really did absolutely terrify him. "Hey... the rings... I don't plan on them just staying an engagement ring. Some day I promise I'll marry you" It really was all he could do right now, but it was still a pretty intense thing for him to do. He was shaking still, but this time part of it was also because no matter how much he loved Peter it terrified him to think of what his parents would do, or what his friends would think. Maybe they weren't very good friends if they didn't accept him, but how could he blame them? Being gay was a sin, and it would drag him to hell, and even worse, it would drag Peter to hell with him.

[peter geoffrey ashton]

he loved this boy - no, this man - more than he knew was physically possible. he loved this man so much that it actually hurt, it actually seized his heart and squeezed until he knew that it wasn't pumping blood but just pure love for the man whose arms were around him then and there. he loved jason so much that it was stupid, so much that it made him stupid and blind and though he knew he was angry and he knew he was disappointed and he knew that jason deserved punishment for what he made him go through, he just...he couldn't find it in him to stay angry. he could only focus on the fact that he had so much love for this man, that he had always had so much love for this man, and that he would do anything, anything at all in his power to keep jason in his grasp. anything at all to make sure that he remained his, forever, 'til death did they part. and even beyond then.

and he was so ready. so ready to see jason waiting for him at the end of a long white aisle, so ready to say his vows, so ready to take his hands in front of their friends, their family, in front of god and say that he would take jason rowe as his lawfully wedded husband. he was ready, had been ready since he was eighteen years old and jason first told him that he could call him his boyfriend, had been waiting for it since he was sixteen and jason told him it was okay to kiss him. and nothing was going to keep him from loving jason because god he loved him so much, and he had been dreaming of this for years. but he was just so angry then, so mad, and he tried to look down at that ring and feel reassured and feel loved but instead all he found was empty promises and secrets and he was so confused that it was making him physically ill.

he loved this man. he did, and he could forgive him for making him keep them a secret. he could forgive him for lying to him and for not telling him he wasn't sleeping and he could even forgive him for all the acts and all the games that they had to play. he could even forgive him if he never got his dream of walking down an aisle toward him waiting for the hours to pass so that he could become his husband. but there were some things that were really hard to forgive, really hard to overlook and the selfish way that jason had tried to take his life in his own hands...defying not only peter's love for him but god's plan for him as well...it was hard for peter to even look him in the eye and he felt his shoulders start to shake slightly as tears fell from his eyes again and he just nuzzled further into jason's neck, holding him tighter as he wondered how in the world they were supposed to move on from that.

he heard jason's words. he knew how sorry he was, could feel it in his touch and in the way his voice was emoting. he was an actor - he was supposed to be able to recognize the little things people were saying with their voices. it was just hard for him because while he wanted to forgive jason and he wanted to kiss him and he wanted him to get better so that they could go back to their dorm and peter could kiss him silly and sex him into a coma if he had to, he was still so hurt. people had told him a lot about jason. about him being selfish, about him caring more for his own well-being than for peter's, about the way his mind was often jason-centric and peter had always defended him, had always told people that they were wrong. but there is some truth to every reputation and peter was beginning to realize it then. and the worst part was that he didn't even care because he still loved jason just as much. and that made it hurt more.

"jason i love you," peter said firmly, tightening his hold on jason's shoulders as if to emphasize that he wasn't letting go if he could help it. "i love you so much and if you had to take a break from anything, f-from spending time with me or from the play, i could take it. i would understand and i would still love you just as much." and he would. there was nothing in the world that could keep him from loving jason, no person who meant more, nobody who could ever replace this man in his life. maybe people would try or try to set him up with someone else or tell him that he needs to find someone nice to settle down with, but none of them would ever understand that he already had. he had the most perfect man in the world for him in his grasp and nothing was going to be able to change that. jason was his; and he was jason's.

sometimes he thought that jason forgot that, though, that he forgot that peter could only be disappointed in him in rare circumstances. he was understanding; everything jason did, peter tried to understand and he worked hard to make sure that his boyfriend knew he was always going to be there for him, to listen to him, to comfort him, to ease the load in any way that he could. he had trusted jason to be one hundred percent honest with him, all the time, and he loved him enough to tell him that it was okay if he couldn't handle all the things he tried to take on. because jason did that; he bit off more than he could chew and every time, peter was there when he started choking. he just wished that jase would realize that instead of always hiding from him.

"i love you," he repeated, unable to stop himself from saying it a thousand times until jason remembered that it was true, that it would always be true. "i love you so much, jason, i chose you for a reason; i want to marry you for a reason and that's because you mean so much to me. i never want to lose you, i just...i want to help you." he nuzzled into his neck again before kissing down on it and kissing up around his jaw. "and i know we'll get married, baby, i trust you. i just love you so much..." and it was all he could get out before he choked on another sob and buried his fingers in his hair. "i am so happy you're alive, jason. i can't imagine life without you. i don't ever want to have to." he kissed him again lightly and whispered, "and i forgive you," before hiding himself again in the safety of jason's neck.

[/justify]

[jason elijah rowe]

If there was one thing he knew for sure it was that he'd sure as hell messed up way beyond anything he'd ever done before. To even have thought about ending his own life over a silly fight was something that was so far beyond forgiveness, and so selfish that there was no way he could ever expect Peter to forgive him for it. How was he ever going to be able to probe to the guy he was worth trusting again? It wasn't as though he wasn't aware of the fact that people seemed to think he wasn't good enough for Peter's friendship. He knew people thought of him as a selfish guy who'd do whatever it took to keep his spot on the football team and with his music. Many people had commented behind his back that he didn't treat Peter as a proper best friend. How did he know these things? Well being up there in the social hierarchy meant that there was a lot of drama going on as well, and people were never hesitant to tell you what someone else had been saying about you if they thought it might get them what they wanted.

People were right, he wasn't good enough for Peter, and lately he'd been trying so fucking hard to keep everyone happy. To do the play for Peter and to spend more time with him so they could work on getting back to more of a proper relationship. He'd also had to work hard to stay on top of football because he knew he'd been slacking and that was something his coach would never tolerate in the long run. Loosing his spot on the team wouldn't only disappoint himself, but it would disappoint his father and get the man on his back for the rest of his existence about wasting his talents. It would also disappoint his friends and his team that he worked so hard to be part of. There were two things he feared more than anything in life, it was coming out of the closet and the hell that would get him into with his parents and possibly his friends and it was disappointing people. He hated the look people gave him whenever he'd let them down, it was just something he couldn't handle very well.

One of the two fears had already happened though, he'd disappointed the one person in this world that meant the most to him and made the guy loose faith in him. It really just felt like his chest was being constricted in some sort of iron grip. It was hard to get a proper breath, which probably wasn't a good thing considering he was in the hospital for passing out as it was, but he ignored it. All that mattered at the moment was Peter and the fact that he had to think of a way to probe he really did trust him and did want to be with him. His arms tightened around Peter as the guy said it would be alright if he needed a break from the play or even worse from spending time with the guy. There was no way in hell he wanted to spend less time with Peter, if anything he wanted to spend more time with him, more time just the two of them to relax and cuddle and make each other feel better.

"No... Don't ever think that Peter please... I just. I don't want to spend less time with you and I don't want to back out of the play. I just need to figure out how to balance everything that's all, and I need to cut back on the redbull and other energy drinks, because apparently it's been making things worse. I really didn't know it'd be that bad... ugh... Peter I'm just so sorry.." he muttered, his voice was shaky, and honestly it was all he could do not to break down into sobs himself at this point. Everything had just gotten way too much and it had taken a toll on them in a way he'd never wanted it to. He'd never meant for it to come to this and why the hell hadn't he just gotten rid of the GHB the night he'd decided not to take it? It was the most stupid thing he could ever have done and now he had broken Peter's heart and his trust in him. "I'll figure out a way to do it all I promise. I just have to... I don't even know.. sit down and make a detailed plan or something."

It was a lame excuse and he knew it. There was no way in hell he could keep going the way he had and avoid collapsing again. "I promise you won't have to live without me alright? I promise I'll do whatever I can to make sure you don't. I just exhausted myself that's all, I promise I'll try to get some more rest." He had no idea how he was really going to get that done, but at least he was going to give it a good try. There was no way he could risk losing Peter. Peter was the one thing in his life that made sense. As much as their relationship scared him, and as much as it was against their faith and against what their parents wanted. Most likely even against what at least his friends would accept, there was nothing that made more sense than when he had Peter in his arms and was holding the guy close to him. Everything in the world seemed to make sense in those moments the two of them had to themselves.

The sob tearing from Peter's throat made his heart break. How could he have done this to the man he loved so much? The small kisses on his neck and his jaw gave him hope though and the kiss to his lips the second time, no matter how small, had his heart thumping in his chest with hope. The next words out of Peter's mouth surprised him, because he'd never have expected Peter to forgive him for this. Fresh tears streamed down his own cheeks at those words and he clung to Peter as if the guy was about to vanish between his hands. "Oh Peter... I love you so much... I promise I won't let you down again. I'm so so sorry, I just... I'm sorry... I love you." The words broke off in a small sob before he squeezed his eyes shut and just focused on trying to breathe. He really didn't feel like it'd be a good idea to be passing out on Peter again at this point in time.