One day when you wake (Peter)

[jason elijah rowe]

He knew he was dreaming, but the dream was so good he really didn't want to leave it. In his dream he was at a restaurant with Peter openly holding his hand and proudly showing off matching rings. There was a smile covering both of their faces and they were just talking and laughing and having a good time. Of course he knew that this couldn't possibly be real, in his mind he knew that he was in school with Peter and that they couldn't possibly do that at this point in time, hell they may not ever be able to do it. It made him a little bit sad to think about it. Then somehow the image of them faded and another image invaded his mind, one where he was alone, without Peter, and all there was was loneliness. He screamed and screamed Peter's name until his dream self was out of voice until he collapsed on the ground in a crying heap.

Suddenly he found himself in some really weird, dark place where there was a weird smell of antiseptic and he couldn't place where it was coming from. As a matter of fact he couldn't quite place where he was himself. Was he in a bed? At least he was laying on something soft, but that didn't make any sense at all. It was confusing a little scary, the last thing he could remember was being on the field, practicing with the rest of the guys. What he hell had happened to his memory and why the hell did his eyelids feel like they were made of lead. Actually all of him felt like it was made of lead and for a moment moving seemed impossible. Somehow he was sure that he hadn't been conscious for very long and yet he felt like his mind was going a mile a minute. Where the hell was he? Their room didn't smell like this, and he'd smelled this smell before, but he couldn't quite place where.

Then it hit him, the hospital, that's what the smell was. How had he landed himself in here? As the thought dawned on him he struggled harder against the darkness and tried to open his eyes. As his senses slowly returned to him, he felt someone holding his hand, was it Peter? Somehow he was desperate to see who it was, because the nightmare had really bothered him, and he tried to squeeze the hand back, which he managed to do pretty well, alright so focus, that was all it took. "Peter?" he muttered quietly, then managed to flutter his eyes open even if he had to squint against the light to be able to see anything. His head hurt a little, maybe he'd hit it somehow? Had he hurt himself playing? No he couldn't remember that, but there had to be a reason why he was here right? People didn't just wake up in a hospital feeling all groggy if there wasn't a reason they were there.

"Peter?" this time there was more certainty in his voice as he turned to look at the guy, smiling tiredly. Damn he was exhausted, but that couldn't be why he was here could it? "Hey.. what happened?" he asked, squeezing the hand a little more and managing another smile. Slowly he pushed himself into a seated position. He didn't hurt anywhere else, there was only that one spot at the back of his head, there was an iv in his arm though and he felt a little dehydrated. Once he figured whatever it was wasn't too threatening he leaned over and placed a small kiss to Peter's forehead. "I honestly don't remember a thing, I feel pretty okay though, just got a headache" he stated, mostly to himself.

[peter geoffrey ashton]

peter was terrified. horrified, really, at the prospect of there being something wrong with his fiance. and something as big as a drug addiction...well peter had never taken him for the type. he was always so healthy, such an athlete, just very....pure. but he couldn't deny what he had found in their room earlier. he had just been looking for a pair of socks - simple, right? only they had no organization system whatsoever when it came to their clothes as they just traded and removed them so often that they lost track. he had just been searching for something to wear and was going through jason's drawer and...there it was. just sitting there, not something that could be taken as a just-once type of deal, but enough to kill him if jason had taken it all at once. and it had shocked him. he had jumped away from it as though it had suddenly caught on fire and burned him and then right on cue, his phone had rang with caller ID coming up as the hardford hospital.

he knew there was the possibility of jason being hurt when he played football. it was a contact sport, a sport that got really rough and it wasn't rare in the slightest for players to get injured be it major or minor. the risk was always there and he'd always adjusted and helped to nurse hurt ankles, sore necks, pulled muscles, joints that popped out of place, and even little things like tense shoulders that just needed a little massaging. jason had been hurt before - there was no such thing as a football player, a GOOD football player, who didn't feel the pains of his efforts - but he had never been seriously hurt. not enough to pass out. not enough to be hospitalized. which was why with the discovery that he just made mixed with the call that jason had been hospitalized, it wasn't insane of him to think that maybe it was more than just a football injury that had landed his fiance in the hospital.

of course from what pete was told, jason wasn't really hurt. he had just been at practice and then...fainted. like that. it was as easy and as simple as that and though no one would tell him why (he'd asked the doctors but seeing as peter wasn't legally family and no one knew that he technically had rights to that knowledge being his fiance, everybody refused to disclose the information) he could take a few stabs in the dark. jason worked himself to the bone. he worked until he was exhausted and then once he was exhausted he worked even harder to prove that he wasn't exhausted and just wore himself out, pushed himself harder and harder. mix that with an apparent (or well...suspected) drug problem and it was really only a matter of time until he collapsed and while that was definitely not a good thing to have let him do, peter had always had the selfish hope that the day it did happen, he would be there to be the first to take care of him. of course, the world rarely liked to work in the favor of peter ashton, so when the day did come, he was nowhere near him and only got the news because he was one of jason's emergency contacts.

he had rushed down to the hospital as soon as he could and though they made him wait around for a while eventually he gained permission from jason's family to go into the room with him. he had gotten unnecessarily emotional at seeing him lying there with an iv in his arm, and though the rowe and ashton families were close, no one had ever seen such a reaction from peter offstage. figuring he needed time to adjust to something potentially happening to his best friend, they all left him very much alone. and when he was sure they were gone he clung to jason's hand and hadn't moved ever since. occasionally he'd let go to play with the ring jason gave him but otherwise he stayed right there by his bedside. even when his family checked on him. even when doctors checked his iv. he just willed him to wake up soon, willed him to come back to him while his heart pounded in his chest. he had honestly never been this scared before.

finally, though, jason started coming to and he could feel it first in that the hand he was holding tightened back around his own. the small gesture made his head snap up, eyes trained on the face of the man he loved as he slowly began to wake up. at the sound of his name, at the fact that it was the first thing out of his mouth even before his eyes were open, his heart jumped and he squeezed the hand back reassuringly. he couldn't even remember to be mad about the drugs, couldn't be bothered to think of anything else except that jason was awake and he had leaned over to kiss his forehead. not caring about much else but jason then and there he lifted his head to give him the quickest possible kiss on the lips and said, "hey baby," trying to keep his voice from shaking. "you, uhm...well from what i understand you were at practice. and you fainted." his brow furrowed in concern. "just out of nowhere. no one...no one's telling me anything, apparently i don't have legal rights to know..." he trailed off. "jason do you not remember anything about what happened?" he shook his head. "no that's not important. how do you feel? are you tired? do you want something for that headache? i don't know if that iv has any pain medication or if it's just fluids or...sorry, i'm rambling, i'm just..." he smiled softly. "i'm happy to see you awake."

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[jason elijah rowe]

Everything was so confusing, and the fact that he couldn't remember for the life of him how he'd gotten into the position of being in a hospital bed with an iv in his arm didn't really help at all. "No, I really don't remember a thing... Last thing I remember I was on the field doing some random exorcises with the rest of the guys" he said truthfully. It was strange enough that he found himself here without knowing it but then he realized he'd just let Peter kiss him without even checking if anyone had seen it. Quickly his eyes darted across the room at this realization. Sure his parents tended not to give a damn about much of anything, but they were sure to show up if the hospital had called them and told them he was in here? After all, his father was obsessed with him playing pro football later on, and his health at the very least was important to that and therefore important to his parents.

A frown crossed his face as Peter explained what had happened, at least from what he could have found out without being told by the doctors. "Hey, well I'm awake now and I'm sure as hell going to make them tell us what happened. At least if they can figure out any more of it than I can." he stated, one of his hands reaching up to lightly rub at a slight bump at the back of his head. "Well at least I think I know why my head hurts, I guess I must have hit it when I passed out or something, there's a decent size bump back here." he stated, his other hand still holding onto Peter's hand. "Yeah, I wouldn't say no to an aspirin or something of the sort really" he admitted, which was funny considering the drugs Peter had found in his drawer, if he really was using the stuff it would have made sense for him to ask for something stronger, but an aspirin was all he asked for.

At that moment a woman came into the room, sending the two of them a smile as she walked over to Jason's bed. "Well it's good to see you're awake Mr.Rowe. From now on though I'd advice you not to live off of energy drinks, and maybe to get a little more rest than you've been getting. Not to mention drinking enough, I'd have thought someone as athletic as you would remember such a thing?" it wasn't quite a reprimand, just more of her telling him what had happened in a very casual sort of way. Then she glanced at the very worried looking Peter, and back to Jason, who just nodded as to say it was fine to talk in front of him. "Well, there's nothing wrong with you, that is aside from the headache that fall must have caused and the fact that you were dehydrated. From what your friends on the team has told me though you need to start taking better care of yourself to avoid this happening again. I want to keep you over night for observations and to get some more fluids into you, but you should be good to go home tomorrow. I am going to demand you take at least two days off to rest properly though before going back to school and practices. I will inform your teachers and your coach of this" she told him as she checked his iv, changed the bag of fluids and handed him two pills. "These will help for the headache" she said, walking over to the sink to get a glass of water, then she smiled at the two of them and vanished out the door.

"Well that could have been worse I guess? Eh I guess being tired finally caught up to me huh?" he said sheepishly, while trying to look as innocent as possible, knowing Peter was gonna be mad at him for living off of energy drinks and no sleep for a while. "I'm sorry I scared you. I really am fine you know, just like she pointed out, the headache" he added and then placed the two pills in his mouth, drinking them down with the water, and finishing off the rest of the glass for good measure. After all he really didn't need Peter to worry he wasn't going to try to improve his bad habits of forgetting elementary things like drinking enough water. Normally he wouldn't have, but his mind had been so occupied with all sorts of other things these days that simple things seemed to drift from his mind, leaving him thinking about the play or workouts, or school work more than he thought about the basic needs of his body.

[peter geoffrey ashton]

he could have cried. honestly, he had been worried - so worried - that something horrible had happened to the man that he loved. maybe the drugs getting to him or an injury, maybe someone hit him too hard...he always thought one day one of the guys on the team was going to get a little too rough with him and then one day he would just...he squeezed his eyes shut. no, he needed to stop thinking about all the possible ways that his fiance could have been more seriously injured. the fact of the matter was that he was fine now; he was awake and talking to him and seemed to have his wits about him, and though it was a little painful to see him lying in bed, he still managed a reassuring smile. however that smile faltered slightly at the mention of painkillers but he was saved from having to say anything or confronting him by the doctor walking in and he turned his attention to her while she spoke.

so it wasn't anything drug related. thank god. just exhaustion and lack of sleep, though peter could swear that jason slept when they were curled up together...or pretended to? he made a mental note to check now that he knew apparently his boyfriend was skipping out on those precious few hours they got to spend pressed together. if anything, he'd just put off playing a little baseball - yes he would forever carry on the analogy - until his boyfriend caught a few hours. and he'd remind him to drink water during rehearsals, make him tea...automatically his mind went off on a list of things he could do to ensure that jason was keeping his body as healthy as he needed it to be. he knew how hard he worked himself and the stress probably just wasn't helping. at least he'd get a few days off, a few days to set that sleeping pattern straight...

not that peter wasn't mad. oh no, he was furious, and he could feel that annoyance building not only at jason but at himself as the doctor continued on. he wished that jase would talk to him about this stuff. that he would see a doctor for sleeping pills or ask peter for a massage or maybe just to cut him some slack. let his understudy step up one day in rehearsal so that he could rest or something that peter knew that he would be able to manage even if it was unprofessional. as much as peter loved theater and as much as he loved putting on a great show, he loved jason far more. he would have risked unprofessionalism to help him out if only he had asked. but it seems jason was keeping more secrets from him than he ever would have thought - the one thing he thought the pair of them would never have. but still he clung to his fiance's hand, still he stayed dutifully by his side. angry though he was, he was more distracted by hearing about jason's well-being.

but the sight of the pills - that undid him for a second. watching as the pills went in and he drank them down, he couldn't help his stomach from feeling a bit queasy. he knew that he shouldn't be so disgusted by the simple act of him trying to ease his pain. but for a moment he wondered if maybe the reason he had been up those late nights was to run off a high instead of because he was too stressed to sleep. he wondered if jason had ever taken anything around him, if he should have paid more attention whenever his fiance took aspirin for his aches and pains. he'd never thought twice about it, never thought that jason could even know where to get any of that stuff....but what he'd found in his drawer was proof, proof that...that there were more things going on with jason than he realized. he wasn't even paying attention to what he was saying to him. not that it mattered because as soon as jason's lips stopped moving, before the sound of his voice even faded from his ears, peter piped up, "jason, how long have you been doing drugs?"

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[jason elijah rowe]

Jason knew he probably should have told Peter he wasn't sleeping well. The thing was, at least he'd felt like it was relaxing to just lie there watching Peter sleep, it was just that there'd been so much stuff on his mind the last few weeks that even as tired as he'd been he'd not gotten as many hours of sleep as he should have gotten and some nights he'd even had to sneak out to the music room to get his school work done, because on the side of everything else his grades had been suffering a lot, and he didn't want to end up being taken off the team because his grades dropped too much. That just wouldn't be good at all, he did after all want to keep playing football and maybe even do so professionally once they were done in college, so this really needed his attention as well. Maybe he should have asked Peter for help, and maybe he should have asked to be allowed a day off from rehearsals once in a while, but it wasn't in him to do that. Jason Rowe always worked his ass off at everything he did to get things just right.

His mind was wandering on the fact that he did need to find a way to relax more, not that Peter wouldn't force him to anyway, when Peter's words had his eyes widen. "Doing drugs?" he sounded honestly confused by the statement. "Peter... you know I don't do drugs" he added, then his eyes widened further and his hand that wasn't holding Peter's went to run through his hair in a frustrated sort of way. There could be no other explanation to Peter's sudden question, he must have found the vial of a deadly amount of GHB in his drawer, and figured that this was something he did on a regular basis. "Peter..." the look on his face turned from confused to almost a bit haunting and regretful. There was also a mix of sadness in there somewhere, as he moved around so he could face his fiance fully. "I promise I don't do drugs, if I did they'd have found it in my system today, and she said nothing about drugs right?" he started.

It seemed that getting the words out for this was more difficult than he'd thought, but he forced himself to keep his eyes locked on Peter's, willing himself to find the words to explain what that kind of drugs were doing in his drawer, but even the thought of the matter almost brought tears to his eyes. "Look... I'm so sorry... I bought that at a moment of weakness, I really never took any... if you looked at the bottle it's full.." he continued, again he seemed to be struggling quite badly with what he was trying to say and for a short moment he dropped his gaze, taking a deep breath to steady himself before he looked up again, trying to take both of Peter's hands into his own. "It was after that last big fight of ours." again he had to swallow to get himself to continue, this was clearly something he'd hoped he'd never have to confess to. "I swear I was going to get rid of it, but lately I haven't had a chance to be at our room to fetch it, because we've always been there together" he added, somehow he was avoiding the reason why he'd bought it and what he was going to use it for.

"It was a really stupid thought, and a thought I never seemed to really have the guts to go through with anyway. Thank God for that..." and for once he really did seem to mean that last part. His eyes were misting over despite his efforts. "Look... I thought I'd lost you and I couldn't handle it and I..." his voice broke and he had to look down again to try to compose himself but there was no use, a few of the tears escaped as he looked back up at Peter. "... I can't believe how selfish I almost was! I can't believe how I almost put you through that!" his voice was growing more and more disgusted with himself by the moment. "If you can't forgive me for even thinking about it... I don't blame you... I... I can't believe I almost made us end like the fucking play..." that was it, the reason why the end of the play plagued him as much as it did, the thing he'd spent most of the nights awake thinking about. Disgusted with himself he looked away and weakly dropped Peters hands, allowing his own to just lay against his knees. He really was just a despicable human being.

[peter geoffrey ashton]

he couldn't help it - at jason's initial denial of doing drugs, he scoffed, sat back in disbelief that he was really lying to him right now, lying right to his god damn face. his tried justification...they didn't drug test people for passing out on the playing field. they were supposed to have drug tested players before each season, they wouldn't risk losing someone so valuable to the team. he clenched his teeth bitterly, angrily. he couldn't believe this. couldn't believe that he was going to sit there and just try and deny it. then his expression changed and he said his name and peter could just feel his fucking heart breaking in his chest, just shattering into a thousand pieces and his eyes welled up with tears while pain spread through his throat, his chest as everything seized up. he had caught him in a lie. with a secret.

nothing he said could ease the tightness in his throat or the pain in his lungs either. the more jason spoke the more his expression grew into one of disbelief and he shook his head. stupid peter. stupid stupid stupid fucking peter for thinking that everything was okay, that jason's weird behavior was because of the added stress of the play, that this man that he had bared his entire fucking soul to in return for being kept in the closet was ever going to be one hundred percent honest with him. he tried looking up at him when jason took both of his hands in his own, tried to search his eyes for some semblance of the truth but his vision was blocked by a hot rush of tears and he looked away to try and ease the overwhelming sensation to vomit. he didn't understand. didn't understand why jason had bought the pills if it wasn't to do drugs, didn't understand why he was lying, didn't understand why it was still there if he wasn't using, how he'd gotten it, why he didn't just fucking talk to him...

and the more he spoke the more confused he got. he didn't understand what jason was going on about, didn't understand what he meant. and then he said the magic words - the play. he almost made them end up like the goddamn play and...christ. tears spilled over onto his cheeks as the first bars of "no voice" played in the back of his mind, a song he had suffered through listening to his boyfriend sing in rehearsals time after time after time until he had been told by everyone that there's no such thing as a crying corpse. he had...he had thought of leaving him, of abandoning him with no one else in the world and not just in the sense of breaking up with him but truly...truly abandoning him to leave him alone with this struggle, with this secret, with all this love that he had for him that he had kept hidden by his request...

and suddenly he was unreasonably angry, standing and pulling his hands back to him almost in disgust as jason released them. he couldn't believe it! after everything he did for him - after all the secrets he kept and the nights he spent without him and after all the fights, all the things he didn't get to do because of him...the opportunities missed, the new years kisses he never got to have...after all the kisses they did have, after every time they made love, after every time peter laid there and told him over and over and over again that he loved him, jason was going to leave him. had even gotten the means of doing it. he shook his head in disgust, tears flowing freely down his cheeks as he stepped forward and let his hands connect roughly with jason's chest, shoving him backwards against the hospital pillows.

"you...you fuck!" he said, his voice raising to unnecessary levels, filled with fear and hurt and disgust and anger and all the other feelings coursing through his body. "after everything i did for you, for us! after all the shit you put me through and..." he trailed off as he looked back at him, at this man he had given his everything to, and his bottom lip trembled for a moment before he dove in to kiss him, pressing his lips insistently to his to remind himself he was there, he was alive, he was with him, they were engaged...and just as soon as he was grateful he was alive anger took over him again and he pulled away to slap down again on his chest. hard. "don't you ever, jason elijah rowe, don't you FUCKING EVER do something that fucking STUPID again," he growled before running his fingers roughly through his own hair and collapsing back in the chair, wiping away furious tears.

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[jason elijah rowe]

Jason could easily tell the moment Peter's mind connected the dots, and the tears that had escaped his eyes before turned into a river of his own. He was just as disgusted with himself as he knew Peter must be and he had no idea how he was ever going to make this up to him. The jolt cause by the push made his headache flare violently, but he aside from the initial flinch there was no other comment. If Peter wanted to beat him senseless over this, he'd let him. Hell at this point he would accept whatever it was Peter wanted to do, even if it meant leave him. If that was the case, yeah he'd be miserable, and he knew he'd have an extremely hard time living with it, but live he would, because there was no way in hell he was ever going to even think about doing something as selfish ever again. The fact that he hadn't gone through with it seemed like a really weak excuse by now and he just sat there watching Peter.

The kiss caught him completely by surprise and it made him blink a few times before he managed to kiss the guy back, someone might walk in to see, but for once that thought was completely out of his mind as the only thing that mattered in this world right now was Peter and the fact that the guy was upset and furious. Not that he blamed him for that of course, he was disgusted with himself. So as Peter started beating at his chest, and yes despite Peter not being as physically bit as him it did hurt, he just sat there and let him. "I know.. I'm an idiot. I'm an asshole and I don't deserve you." he said, his voice unlike Peter's was barely loud enough to be heard, but it was there and it was filled with regret and even disgust clearly directed at himself. He was well aware of hos horrible the idea was now, and how close he'd been to doing Peter the worst injustice of this world.

All he wanted to do was move over and hold him, but he wasn't sure if Peter would even let him come anywhere close. However he couldn't possibly just sit there and watch Peter be this upset, somehow he had to reassure him he wasn't going to ever try something this stupid again, that it was one moment of weakness, but that in the end the thought of even removing himself from this miserable world, well it would have meant not even being able to see Peter if at a distance. It was unbearable. Slowly he managed to push himself up on his legs and move so he could at least try to pull the guy in for a hug. He knelt in front of Peter and tried to wrap his arms around him. "I promise, that I won't ever, EVER, do anything so stupid. In the end I couldn't do it anyway because I kept thinking about you and I just couldn't." he said quietly. "And I really was going to get rid of it, the right moment just didn't come along, but my guess is that you tossed it the moment you found it?" he asked, making sure his voice stated that he was perfectly fine with that.

Oh god what had he done, if they weren't fucked before, surely Peter wasn't going to want anything more to do with him now, even as he was trying so hard to reassure him that there was no way he was going to ever sink that low ever again, he felt his heart shatter and the tears were streaming down his cheeks as fast as ever. "I'm so sorry... and I know that makes no difference. I won't blame you if you can't or won't want to forgive me, I can understand that" he added, but he stayed but, not wanting to move unless he was told he should, unless Peter told him to get the fuck away from him and go to hell like he deserved. Because of course that's exactly what he deserved for the rest of his life.

[peter geoffrey ashton]

he was going to be sick. completely and totally sick and he sat there in that chair taking deep breaths to try and settle the uneasiness of his stomach. when he had picked up that bottle, when he had recognized that it was a lethal amount dose, his mind had never even drifted toward the idea that jason had purposely gotten a lethal dose. he'd never thought even once that jason had planned to take it all at once, that he would do anything that stupid or painful or damaging not just to himself but to him, to his fiance, to the man who loved him. he didn't think that jason could be that selfish, that he could ever dream of doing something that would so totally and completely turn peter's life upside down. he had given up everything for jason. he'd lied through his teeth to his parents, to his sister, to his god damn friends - shit, he had lied to their priest and to god for this man. he adjusted schedules and canceled plans and molded his life around him and this...this was how jason had planned on thanking him for that. one fight. one little fight and he was going to take himself out of the world.

maybe everyone was right. maybe he invested too much in jason, put too much faith in him. maybe he never was going to come out and peter would have to sit back forever and watch as his fiance pretended to flirt with other people to appease his parents, watch as they actually flirted back. maybe he was doomed to forever be jason's best friend that hey, behind closed doors it was okay for him to show affection to. maybe jason was always going to be a coward (a straight-acting coward, rang the soundtrack in his mind) and maybe...maybe he was never going to love peter the way that peter wanted him to. and he wasn't sure if he was willing to live with that. he liked to tell himself that he would be. that as long as he had this beautiful man, this sweet man, this man who when they were alone treated him like gold...that as long as he had him, he would be happy and he would be satisfied. he'd always thought that; it had been his entire reasoning behind staying with jason for so long. but now he wasn't so sure.

he closed his eyes against jason's words when he began to speak. he didn't want to hear them. since the first night they kissed, all pete had reminded himself was that he was lucky jason hadn't punched him and thrown him out onto the street. he was lucky that this man could ever love him back, that someone as perfect as jason rowe found time in his busy, scheduled, perfect life to love someone as scattered, spastic, and imperfect as him. and he had always, always been sure of the fact that jason was so much better than he was, that so many people wanted him, that so many desired him, and yet he chose to be with him. somehow, this man thought he was worth it. and here jason was saying that he didn't deserve peter and while peter knew how he meant it, sometimes he thought the same thing. jason deserved what he gave out. if he wanted to play make believe, then he should go play fucking make believe and find a girl to be with him. but every time the words came to the tip of his tongue, he could never get them off. no matter what he said, losing jason would only be more painful if he found someone else.

but christ, was peter supposed to live with this? with jason continually keeping secrets and hurting him and coming back with apologies and apathy? was he supposed to keep secrets for the rest of his life for this man? again the urge to be sick rose up in him and it was only emphasized when jason came down to hug him, to kneel in front of him in a way that in any other circumstance, peter would have made a smartass comment about. instead he just let jason's arms wrap around him, not even finding it in him to lean into the touch. he knew his fiance was crying but he couldn't bring himself to care, just to sit there in silence with his jaw set, afraid opening his mouth would bring the worst out. "it's still there," were the first words he managed, soft and cracked. "i was going to throw it out, t-to do something but i didn't want to touch it and th-then the hospital called..." he trailed off. the rest was self-explanatory.

he blinked back a new rush of tears. "how could you do that to me?" he asked quietly into jason's ear. "after everything...and with how much i love you?" his bottom lip trembled. "this is two times you could have died, jason. does this...does this stress you out that much? so much you would die for it?" he wrapped his arms around him in spite of his words, seeking comfort by nuzzling into the crook of his neck. "i love you. so much that i would...i would die for you. in your place, i'd take the ghb, i'd take the late nights. but how many secrets are you going to make me keep? or keep from me?"

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