Post by hugh on Apr 26, 2012 12:33:04 GMT -5
hugh william carrington
STUDENT, 18, DEVOTED, HIDING, ASHAMED, NICHLOAS HOULT, NEW HAVEN
"all my life all i wanted to do was make my da' happy. it was never as easy of a task as some might think it was, given that my father. he was never the kind of man who just accepted you for who you were. you had to be the sort of person he wanted you to be. he did it with my brothers, and he did it with me. only difference is, unlike my brothers, i didn't turn out how he wanted me to be. i was the broken son. the one that came out wrong. the boy who was more interested in painting a picture as a kid than i was rough housing and playing sports with my brothers. i was a mummy's boy. i was quiet. i had little to no fight in me. and my father, he never understood me. he never was happy with me. and part of me wonders, if he ever loved me. sometimes parents don't love their children, you know. they say that they do, and that their children are their lives no matter what. but there are some parents, parents like my father i suppose, who only love the children that are deserving of their love. my brothers got my father's love. they got his attention. they got his praise. they were the wanted sons. and maybe, my father did hold some hope in me because once my older brothers had joined the military and it was just me, he started focusing on me. then, my father found out about terry. he found out that i was gay, even less of the type of son that he wanted. and no matter my mum's pleadings, my father gave me an hour to pack a bag and tossed me out of the house. i haven't seen my father since that night, i haven't spoken to either of my parents. and it still hurts, but i've found ways to numb the pain."
My body needs a hero, come and save me
"terry and me, man. you know when you meet someone so perfect that you can't really believe that they're real. when they are just amazing, and kind, and loving, and talented? that's terry. he's everything that i couldn't be and everything that i would want to be but can't be. and it's not only terry, the family that he comes from is amazing. if it weren't for them i would've been on the street. but they opened their door to me so fast that my head spun, took me in, fed me. they weren't my family. they weren't my parents, nor were they my siblings, but fuck, they were the best thing i'd ever had. terry could hold my hand around his family, or kiss me, or just be the affectionate little thing that he's always been with me and neither of them would bat an eyelash. not one of his family members acted like it bothered them. we were just accepted for who we were. accepted for being together, and accepted for what we were. two gay teen boys who were hopelessly in love. it wasn't long after my staying there that i was allowed to sleep in terry's bed. that was, after we had a very long and slightly uncomfortable conversation about sex with his mum. that is not an experience that i would happily relive. but, i got to sleep beside terry every night. and i fell more and more in love with him. and we talked about moving to the states, and we talked about our future, and i knew that no matter where i was, things would be okay as long as i had him. i'd lost everything for this boy, my parents, my whole family, more than a few of my friends because my being gay and coming out really didn't mesh well with the rest of the football team. (in america you would call it soccer). it didn't matter, though, because i had terry. and soon, we had two tickets in hand and all the money we had saved up for years in our pockets and we were following our dreams. going to america. or maybe it was just my dream. either way, terry was coming with me."
something tells me you know, how to save me
"i've always been a little strange, i guess you could say. sure, i was a jock in secondary school. i was on the football and swim team. i was in no way an fool though. i have always been smart. having brains that my brother's didn't. i think that only reason that i joined sports was due to my father. trying to please him. but the subject that i always loved was science. i wanted to know how things worked. more than anything, i wanted to know how the human body worked. the older i got the more enthralled i became. i would bury myself in medical texts, learning as much as i could. what went from a fascination became an obsession. i knew what i wanted to do with my life. and it wasn't to be a doctor. not that i didn't want to see people healthy. but more so, i was interested in finding out why someone died. what was the cause, what happened, what was their story. as i was looking at majors that i could go into once terry and i got accepted to yale, it wasn't long before i found one that fit me. forensic pathology. for those who need that in layman's terms, i would figure out what caused someone's death. more so in the case of murders and things of that like than from simple natural causes. maybe i'm a bit of a darker person than those around me. maybe my mind has always been a little more twisted. as far as i can see though, there isn't any other career for me. there's nothing else that i would be happy in doing. it isn't a job that most people would want to take. it's a job for those who don't have weak stomachs and can look at things from a completely detached view. i really don't know why it's what i want, and i know that it's not something that many people would even want to do. and hell, it isn't even because i want that person to be able to rest in peace knowing what happened to him and the criminal get caught. it's different than that. i just want to know why. i just want there to be answers. and i want to be the one finding them. there are really more ways to die than i think anyone realizes."
i've been feeling weird, oh, i need you to come and rescue me
"the sort of people who go into the major that i've picked are not ones that most people know what to do with. i guess, that we're all a little off. of course you have the students who really just want to see justice serves, you have those that simple thought they would dabble in it and see how they felt about it, then there are the people like me. the people who are obsessed with the why. sure, i'm only in my first year of uni, and i have a good twelve to thirteen years ahead of me before this is really my career. but you can tell the ones that are going to stick with it. the ones that are dark, and a little sadistic. i never thought that i would be in that group, that i would be one of those people in my class who was more obsessed with the why than anything else, but i guess that's just how things have turned out. i've made a few friends who are in the same major as me, a few guys, and one girl, that sort of group together. i'm not sure how i got in with their group. it isn't that their goth or anything like that. they aren't obsessed with death in the way a person who is suicidal would be. they look normal when you glance at them. simple people. but when you really get to know them, when you really get in with them, which somehow i have, you realize that they are dark and twisted fuckers. somehow, i feel comfortable with them though. i have no clue what that says about me, if i should be concerned, anything like that. i know i spend a decent amount of time away from home. and maybe they gave me a taste of something that i never should've touched. maybe they brought me into a world that i've sort of fallen into, like alice down the rabbit's hole. it's not anything i could ever tell terry about. though i really do hate lying to him."
make me come alive, come on and turn me on
"so i guess that maybe i've fallen down a bad path. it's not that any of my friends are drug addicts. they just like to dabble in them. get a taste. and when you hang out with the group that i do, you have to get a taste too or else you just won't fit in. i've never done drugs in my life. i've never touched them. but if all of my friends aren't hooked, then i'll be fine. it's all in good fun. a way to let loose. i'm not addicted. as soon as next year comes i'll be done with the shit. it's not like i want to be one of the cadavers that they use for students with my major to examine. it's just, it's nothing serious. i'll quit soon. probably as soon as finals come. and i'll never tell terry. no matter how much i hate lying to him. it isn't something that he needs to know. it'll only stress him out. and he doesn't need that.
whatevs
i'm kit, i'm magic, i said no more queers, but renee has a way of convincing me to do things.
