( WHERE I GO, WHEN I GO THERE ) [M]

[jason allen wilson]

NOTE: i'm going to preface this with a warning; this is not an innocent scene but it's not smut either. it's sort of takes everything that's appealing about slash smut and crushes it into a fine powder which you then snort to make you forget you ever read this. noah and jason are just having a conversation about one of the finer ways of getting intimate and noah doesn't want to leave jason unprepared for anything. you have been warned.

i wasn't made for this kind of thing. honestly, i wasn't. i was not put on this earth to have these sorts of conversations. if i had been, i would have made friends with noah cervantes a long, long time ago, and i'd probably be a lot more messed up than i already was. i just...i wasn't meant to have these sorts of conversations. they made me nervous. more nervous than usual, if that was possible. and having conversations as such with noah? well that just added an entirely new element.

yet there i was. seated on noah's couch. in his living room. in his house. about to talk to him about the one thing i was told to never talk to him about. but i didn't have any other options. after all, jagger didn't even like alec, let alone want to give me any advice to progress our relationship, and kendall...well kendall was a girl. she wouldn't quite get it, even if she might know the technicalities. i could have asked leaf, i suppose, but the last time i asked leaf for help, we ended up making out. i had never followed through on that whole 'lesson two' promise, either, so i just didn't find it very wise. i didn't really know any other openly gay men, so honestly, my list of people to talk to was limited as it was. that left...noah.

"so little j," noah grinned, using the borrowed nickname he knew i hated from that stupid website that trolled around tumblr. "what in the world brings you to my humble abode?" he brought a coffee mug to his lips, drinking down some of its contents. it didn't smell like coffee; i didn't ask what was in the cup. "i thought you avoided this place like it was infected with the black plague."

"i do," i responded without thinking, then flushed when i realized it. too much time around alec did that; i just started talking. "i-i...i mean...did. i did. did." i took a deep breath. come on, jason. you can do this. "i just...i wanted to talk to you....about...."

i choked on my words and noah gestured for me to continue. "about...?"

god i couldn't do this. why did i think i could do this? "about...a-about..." my voice dropped lower and quieter than i'd ever heard it; and that was a hard feat to accomplish. "about sex."

i saw noah's eyebrows go up and knew then that he heard me. but instead of continuing on, he just said, "i'm sorry? i didn't catch that."

i swallowed trying to loosen up my throat. it didn't do much. "sex."

"one more time. speak up."

"sex!" i pretty much screamed the word, annoyed and embarrassed with myself for having said it three times in front of this man, and i covered my face with my hands as i leaned back against noah's couch cushions. it was completely infuriating! why was this my only option? i wanted to take my relationship with alec one step further, prove to him how much i loved him, and the only person, the one person i could talk to about this was noah! noah!

he didn't seem as distressed by this. in fact, he looked predictably amused. of course he did.

"so we've finally gotten to this moment," he said with a grin, shaking his head. "jason, jason, jason..."

my cheeks burned bright red but i at least lowered my hands and nodded slowly. there was no use in denying it. i had already said it - i wanted to have sex with my boyfriend. and i needed to talk to him about it to make sure i knew what...what i was doing. because as of that moment, i had no fucking clue.

"okay fine." he placed his coffee cup down on a nearby table and joined me on the couch, swinging his arm up on the back of the couch. "you want to talk about sex. awesome." he paused, letting out a deep breath. "what is it you want to know?"

i flushed. he was really going to make me....tell him? couldn't he just get into the entire process and then afterward i could ask him to clarify things? that would be so much more simple. so much less...embarrassing. of course, this was noah we were talking about. it wasn't like he was going to give me anything easily. well except the creeps.

"i just..." i bit down on my lip. "i don't even know...how..." i felt my brow furrow as i looked for the right words to say. god i was hopeless. "like...i know i want...." my heart was starting to pound hopelessly fast. i needed to calm down. "i don't...i don't want to hurt him o-or..."

"so you top?" the question made me choke on my next breath and i began coughing as noah grinned at me in amusement. "i didn't expect that from ya, jasey. honestly, you just screamed 'bottom' to me."

he gave me a few minutes to regain myself. that wasn't cool. not at all. he couldn't just...throw that out there! face red with the effort to breath (and probably also embarrassment), i finally managed to sputter out, "w-well we haven't...we haven't talked but i-if...if i was i just...i mean i..." my voice faded out when noah started laughing, getting lost somewhere in the obnoxiously loud sound. i flushed a brighter red and tried to disappear further into the couch cushions.

"you're cute," he said after he managed to stop laughing, and held up a finger as i opened my mouth to tell him to shut up. "no, don't say anything, it's true. you're just this poor...innocent...adorable puppy from a different planet, and i think that it's cute." he paused and leaned forward, patting my knee. "and that is why, dear jason, i am going to help you. on a few terms. one - you don't get embarrassed and leave. no matter what i say." he paused and suspecting he wanted my agreement to this, i nodded. "good. also, i am not a doctor. if you wanted a doctor to explain shit to you, you should have asked one of kendall's doctor friends. i am not going to use a lot of technical terms and make sex sound like this...robotic, disgusting scientific method. it's not. and i will not try and use the word penis just because cock makes you uncomfortable. got it?" again, i nodded, though my blush wasn't going away any time soon with that kind of talk going on. i just needed his help. any way i could get it; if it meant putting up with his way of explaining things...i guess it meant putting up with it. "okay. good. and before i even make you agree to staying, i'm going to say this - sex with another guy is not clean. it's not hygienic and if you're going to be all grossed out by the fact that you are going to be inside somebody in a place that is normally very, very, very disgusting, i suggest that you and him just stick to sex that doesn't require penetration."

this, for some reason, surprised me. not that it was dirty - i had tortured myself night after night after night thinking about that, the sanitary issues, whether it was worth it to develop a more intimate relationship with alec (which i decided, it was). it was that noah would discourage me from taking that step and would encourage me to stick with...well i wouldn't say lesser forms because no form of sex is lesser than any other, especially with the love of my life, but that he would encourage me not to explore every sexual encounter i could. noah i always took as someone who encouraged children to have sex behind closed doors and go wild with their instincts and hormones. while i knew he was still telling me to have sex just not in a certain way (and trust me, alec and i were having a hell of a time figuring out each and every other way to make love), it was just...startling to hear that. like maybe i was taking a step i wasn't ready to take.

this must have showed in my face because noah didn't move his hand from my knee. "jason, do you understand that?" yes. yes, i did. i just didn't know if my anxiety was going to last through thinking about it. but then...then i thought about alec. alec and his beautiful smile and how sweet he was and how much i loved him and how it felt to be with him in a way i had never been with anyone else before. when i was with my boyfriend, it was like nothing else in the world mattered. not that the human mouth actually contained more germs than any other part of their body. not that when you touched someone's hand, you touched everything they touched that day. not that i was committing to something and saying things and committing acts i was going to have live with for the rest of my life. with alec, none of that scared me. with him, it was right. so for him, once more, i nodded.

noah patted my knee once, twice, and then pulled his hand back. "alright then. i guess i should figure out then...how sexually active are you guys?"

i had to stop to think about that. it depended on what he meant by 'sexually active'. see, since i had school and alec had his business, we didn't have a lot of time to ourselves sometimes. some days we could only manage a few kisses before we had to get back to work, and i'm not sure if that counted. did anything that led to a cold shower count? how far did an experience have to go in order to be considered a sexually active experience? just all the times he and i had ever...i blushed just thinking about it. was that information really necessary? "i...i don't know."

"jason." he sounded frustrated already. my cheeks burned. "okay, i asked that wrong. i guess what i'm asking is whether or not you guys have actually got around to figuring out you could jack each other off and suck each other's dicks."

ah. right. that. blushing furiously, i nodded.

"well then...get some little j, fuckin' damn."

"noah..."

"right, right. staying focused." which he wasn't. and i knew he wasn't. but that was okay, too. i was going to have to talk to alec about this one day anyway, and even if he seemed to understand me without much need for words, it would be nice not to sound like a bumbling idiot whenever i did have to use them. i sounded enough like an idiot in front of alec as it was.

"alright, so you've at least awakened the sexual being inside of you. that's good - really. lust helps you to sort of ignore the more disgusting factors. now i guess first i should tell you that sex, as often as i don't prepare for it, probably should be prepared for. you know, between dudes." he raised his eyebrows in a questioning manner. "you know what i'm talking about, right? because i'd rather not get into a fine talk about nice laxatives and proper cleaning and shit. talk to kendall about that."

i flushed again (my face seriously must look permanently red to everyone i spoke to) and made a mental note to do that. at least i knew she wouldn't tell jagger.

"it's just...messy otherwise." he wrinkled his nose in slight distaste, probably recalling some bad memory i really did not want to know about. "oh and also, only one of you is going to like it the first time."

"what?"

that was something people liked to leave out of their tales of their first sexual experience. noah, though, didn't seem surprised by my surprise, so i guess it wasn't really that uncommon that i hadn't figured it out on my own. which was slightly reassuring. "the first time you and alec do the nasty," noah said, slower this time like i was just being stupid, "only the person who tops is really going to like it. i know, it's not something that's really encouraging but think about it. that's a spot neither one of you is used to having be invaded. you can stretch your partner until he's a gaping black hole -- shit, remind me to get back to that. anyway, you could get him as loose as you want but the first time that area is penetrated....it takes some getting used to. and there's not enough self-control in the world to give a guy enough time to adjust to the feeling before the other one shoots a hot load into him. i mean, it just isn't how it happens. the second and even third times aren't much better and it's really easy to hurt someone in a sensitive area...and what i'm saying here, jason, is that if you do top and it turns out you last less than a minute and alec has gone soft because it's uncomfortable...well that's natural."

i took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. great. great - really great. that was encouraging. noah smiled. "but it's amazing for you. and i'm not going to pretend that it forms some kind of bond with the person when i do it because...that's ridiculous, but with you two i think it'll open a lot of doors to bringing you two closer together. that's a big line to cross. once you've done it, though, you don't feel uncomfortable with a person. ever. about anything. and they say honesty is something that's huge in a relationship or some shit like that."

was that supposed to reassure me? make me think that this was a good idea? i leaned forward and buried my face in my hands. maybe talking to noah was a bad idea.

"hey, no, stop that." i felt his hand on my shoulder but didn't lift my head. "jason, i know that sounds like such a bad thing but...you think this alec guy loves you, right?"

"i know he does."

"right." his amusement was unnecessary, but again, i didn't even look up. "well then none of that shit is going to matter. alec isn't going to care if you come too early or if it doesn't feel like jesus christ the first time. just talk to him about this shit like you're doing with me and explain your apprehension and if he doesn't get it, then you two aren't ready. but eventually you will be, and when you are, either he will or you will be ready to completely give yourself to the other even if it means that you might not be as sexually gratified as they are." he paused, letting that sink in, and then added, "besides you could always promise him the world's most mind blowing blowjob afterward and that usually fixes things."

i couldn't help it - i laughed. i felt noah squeeze my shoulder in what i guessed was supposed to be a reassuring manner. "don't let my getting the bad shit out of the way first tactic scare you away from sex," he said in a tone quieter and more normal than i had ever heard from him. "it's a great experience, and i know you're scared. i was a virgin once too. long....long ago." he chuckled and i smiled, lifting my head from my hands. "but it is wonderful. and if alec loves you like you say that he does, he'll get it. no one's a sex fiend the first time they do it anyway. it'll take some getting used to for the both of you, and there are ways to make it less awkward. and lucky you - i'm actually not going to withhold them from you."

"my hero," i told him dryly and he grinned.

"i knew you have some of that wilson sass hidden inside ya." he removed his hand from my shoulder. "now listen closely to me, jason. first of all, if you don't want to hurt the guy, you're going to have to get your hands dirty. or...fingers. and make sure you're well-stocked in lube." i flushed. great. back to this kind of talk. "i'm sure there are other ways of preparing an ass for a nice fucking-"

"god isn't there another way to put it?"

"-but honestly it has never failed me and i'll leave all the weird googling and shit to you. it's just...that's a tight area. you have to go slow, you have to make sure everything is nice and slick, and you want to make sure he's properly prepared. i suggest stretching as much as you can with your fingers - experiment a little. and yes, i know, it's gross, don't give me that look. that in itself...stretching and everything. that can be uncomfortable. it helps to keep him as distracted as you can with kisses or touches or even sometimes just words so he doesn't get all tense about it. he needs to be relaxed. and really other than that advise, you should be properly prepared if you listened to my previous advice, and trust me, when you want it, again - hygiene is the last thing on your mind, right?"

the human mouth had hundreds of billions different varieties of germs and bacterias in it and alec had put his on enough places on my body to make me cringe thinking about it outside of bed. so yeah - i'd say that was right.

"after that, i just have to say...go slow. really slow. it's up to you guys to decide if you want a condom or not, though with aids and everything, i'd recommend it. some guys like to experience what it feels like to like...have someone come inside them i guess, so i'd talk to alec about it but just...prepare as much with him as you can. which, like i said, i know isn't my thing, but trust me. my first time, the guy and i didn't talk about shit, and it's a miracle i ever got in bed with another man again." i looked over at him curiously. noah had always been sort of a mystery to my family and our mutual friends. no one really knew anything about his past. he rarely talked about berkeley and when barbra popped up out of nowhere, we had all been surprised to remember that noah wasn't even from around connecticut. i had never heard anything about his first time or how he got to be the way that he was, but if he wanted to tell the story to anyone, it wasn't going to be to me right then and there. i could see it in the hard-set emotion on his face. it didn't keep me from being curious, though. maybe one day he'd confide that information in me.

"and if you happen to be on the receiving end, jasey," he continued on, ignoring my stare, "just...remember to communicate with him. don't resist telling him he's hurting you or going too fast or whatever because you don't want to kill the mood. it's important to remember that he doesn't want to hurt you anymore than you want to be hurt. be open. if one of you is hurt, say something. if you're going to have an orgasm, tell him. it sounds trivial and like it won't be a problem but people do stupid shit when their minds are clouded by lust. just be open and be communicative and it should be...fine." he paused. "and shower afterward. a nice hot shower. get real clean. and shower alone for the love of god."

i smiled, more to myself than at him. showering alone right now wasn't really one of mine and alec's strong points.

"and that's it," noah concluded, sitting back against his coach cushions and slouching slightly. "the rest you two are going to have to figure out together. kinks. way to make it better for the both of you. i mean unless you want me in there watching, but i think that's more than a little weird, even for me."

i laughed. "a little bit," i said, holding my fingers a small distance apart to emphasize this. noah laughed.

"so, did i scare you away from the idea?" he asked. "or do you think you guys are really going to...?"

i wasn't sure. according to what he had just told me, this was a big step for me and alec as a couple. i knew i'd have to talk to him about it and i knew he'd be more than willing to listen. but i didn't know where that would go. i was no one to speak for my boyfriend. just because he wanted to go through with it now didn't mean that he always would.

"i want to," i responded quietly. "still. i'd probably even bottom for him if he wanted just to...ease him into it." i furrowed my brow. "but it takes two, right? and he doesn't necessarily have a noah cervantes on speeddial to help him out."

"i'm on speeddial?"

i laughed. "that's not the important thing right now."

he laughed with me. "right, right. of course not." then he took a short pause. "looks like you're growing up, jason. never thought i'd see the day." he shook his head. "if it helps, i suggest you two watch a little porn together. highly unrealistic at times, yes, but at least it'll give him some sort of...perspective."

i flushed. right. watch porn with my boyfriend. that was normal right? "i'll consider it."

noah smiled. "or i could always talk to him..."

i shook my head frantically. "please god no, he'd die."

noah laughed again and then we fell silent. i leaned back against the cushions, looking up at the ceiling. this was happening. this was real. i was going to...well talk to my boyfriend about having sex. beyond what we had already done. alec and i were going to...we were going to...

this was real.

"just to make sure," noah said after a little while. "you're sure you're ready for this, jase?"

i bit my lip and considered the question. weighed my options. thought about alec. time spent with alec. sex with alec. kissing alec. being with alec. holding alec's hand. talking to him, loving him, touching him, knowing him better than i'd known anyone else before. after that, i guess the answer was a little easier to find than before. no matter how much it scared me.

"yeah. yeah i am."

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