IS MY GOOD SIDE WORTH RESCUING? ``

[jagger owen wilson]

he'd been at the graveyard a lot lately. of course there were always periods when he was there more often than usual. around their anniversary. or her birthday. or the anniversary of her death. the days their baby might have been born. the typical days when he normally would have made a celebration but instead sat in front of a grave reading the words "caitlyn jensen, 1991 - 2006" over and over again until his world became blurry behind tears he never really cried anywhere else. but this wasn't one of those days. one was always coming up; one was always weighing in the back of his mind, always, but it wasn't because of these dates that he'd been driven to visit his girlfriend's grave. in fact, it was something that was incredibly...almost blasphemous when he stopped to consider who he was speaking to and what he was speaking about. but he didn't know where else to go. everywhere else had painful memories or worse, cain's actual presence. he couldn't escape him. not at work. not at home. not in any of the places he usually hung out. but with cait, it was a different story. with cait...he was hurt already. it couldn't hurt more. and she was still the only person he really felt comfortable talking to about this.

"hey caity," he said quietly as he took his seat immediately in front of her headstone. he always said hello to her, ran his fingers along the words etched in stone. tried to feel any remnants of her spirit even though they probably left years ago. "still beautiful," he mumbled in addition to his greeting. he used to tell her that every time he saw her. whether they had been separated by an hour of class or nine hours of sleep, every time he made contact with her again, he always said the same things. hey caity. still beautiful. and she would laugh the laugh of angels and kiss him and life would feel just a little bit better, just a little bit safer. even now he could hear the echo of her laugh in the back of his mind and he fell silent as he began to pick at the grass around him. he could almost hear her voice, playfully scolding him for killing every small green leaf. in spite of the wet tear he let escape, he smiled slightly at the thought.

everything was so messed up in the present. so fucking messed up. he didn't mind slipping back into the past for a second, remembering cait, remembering everything she had given him and everything he had given her. she was so young when she passed...so fucking young and it pained him to think of all the shit that she would have accomplished if he hadn't chosen to love her. she could have been a doctor like kendall or a psychologist like jason. maybe a social worker to get kids like her out of shitty situations. or maybe a housewife. just a stay-at-home mom. cait would have been the best mom in the world.

he choked on his own breath as he tried to keep quiet, not wanting anyone who might be around to see him. those who worked there were used to him; they were used to people like him who just couldn't let go, no matter how many years passed. they had been wary about letting him come back in after cait's father's suicide after he had desecrated his grave. but he just kept breaking back in anyway so they decided it wasn't worth the ban. if he needed cait to keep him from going off and killing people, well, then they'd give him cait. she was really the only thing keeping him sane when she was alive anyway.

well except for cain.

"i fucked up," he choked out after a few minutes of silence, bottom lip embarrassingly trembling in the sanctuary of the empty air. "fuck, cait, i fucked shit up really badly this time." he looked down at his lap as though to avoid eye contact with a woman who wasn't there. he told himself quietly that cait would understand. cait would get it better than anyone else.

he didn't know why he had chosen to eavesdrop on that particular conversation. since cain had been stuck in their house after his accident, jagger had been extremely selective when it came to the things he listened in on. he listened to his conversations with olivia because even though they hurt, it was nice to know cain could recover. he listened to conversations with brad to ensure that the little shit wasn't going back on his promises, and also to make sure that cain wasn't healing with anybody he could find. and he sometimes listened when jason was in there with him just because the sound of his brother's voice reading was soothing, comforting, and he sought comfort in knowing that cain was laying there listening same as him, occasionally asking questions, sometimes even getting jason to get snippy with him. and then he'd laugh.

but he never listened to kendall's conversations with cain. there was no need. he know how kendall was and the last thing he wanted was to hear any reference to his sister sleeping with his best friend. he didn't care that they couldn't actually do the deed now; he didn't want to hear the jokes, the care, the concern, the teasing. it hurt. it hurt because kendall was the one wilson now who had any right to cain's body, the only one who could plant kisses on his lips or his forehead or his torso and not have him flinch away. the only one now who was allowed to show him any other love than what was strictly platonic. so when she was in there with him, he usually left. that's what he was doing earlier that day when he saw her go into cain's room. he was going to leave to go anywhere - someplace he could smoke or maybe the shop or even to see cait. but something had held him back. something had made him stop and listen through that door.

he didn't know why he had done something so stupid.

he wasn't prepared for it. the declaration of feeling. the outright way that cain had just poured himself out to kendall, further proof of what jagger already knew: he was just that much closer to the girl than jagger knew. but still the declaration of love wasn't for her. the explanation as to why he'd gotten hurt wasn't because of her. it was him, all him and his stupid, stupid need to protect everyone around him by being selfish. it was because of him that cain had been hit; it was because of him that cain was feeling like shit. it was because of him that cain was cain because cain was in love with him and he was in love with cain and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

because when he loved people, they died. he supposed the only reason cain was spared was because jagger had hurt him so much that they could never stay in love now.

"i didn't mean to hurt him," he explained. "i swear to fucking god, i didn't. i never wanted him to get hurt." he roughly wiped some tears away from his cheeks, furious at himself for crying. furious at himself for being so weak. "i just...after you, caity, how could i? how could i love someone like you were never here?" his voice cracked. "like i never lost you. how could i be that selfish again?" again, his tried to wipe his eyes clear. "fuck." he liked the way the vulgarity felt slipping past his lips and said it again, louder. "fuck!"

he was so angry at himself. angry for being the way that he was. angry for hurting cain. angry for losing cait. angry for being selfish. angry for the words he never said. angry for what he had given up for his own gain. angry for the fact that he knew now that it was never going to be enough. not brad or olivia or anyone because for some fucking reason cain loved him and what they had ran deeper than anything that he could ever hope to explain to anyone. ever. cain was more than his best friend. cain was everything in his world, his reason for waking up anymore, and like a fucking moron he had thrown that out the window and hurt them both in ways he couldn't begin to describe.

"i love him," he admitted for the first time out loud. "i do and i know that i shouldn't and i know it's fucking...wrong and i'm so fucking sorry, caity." he shook his head. "i am, i'm so fucking sorry f-for giving up a-and for cain." he laughed bitterly, sadly, painfully. "not that it fucking matters. he has his fucking girlfriend. and kendall. and brad and jason and del." he wiped away angry tears. "he doesn't fucking need me. maybe he loves me but he doesn't need me and the sooner he realizes that..." his throat closed refusing to let him speak more and he ran his hand over her gravestone again. "i was stupid to fall in love again, cait. but whatever. it's done now." he shook his head. "it doesn't fucking matter anymore."

and it didn't. cain would carry on with olivia. jagger would carry on with...addison or maybe some other guy or maybe someone else entirely. maybe he wouldn't carry on. maybe he'd just drift through life like the first weeks after cait's death when he hadn't even had cain. maybe he wouldn't even try to drift anymore. maybe he'd just wait to be dragged back to hell. did it matter? did any of it? the fact of the matter was, cain had people who cared about him. who took care of him. and he might think that he needed jagger, but he didn't. no matter how badly jagger needed him.

"i miss you," he said, not wiping away these tears. these tears were for her. not him. her, he could cry for. he had a right to do that. "fuck i do. you always knew how to...take care of me." he choked on his breath again. "i just...i miss you so god damn much and i know it's not fair of me to keep...just..." he looked over the headstone, staring at her name, surveying it over and over and over until his world was blurred by a new wave of emotion. "forgive me. please."

and by that point he wasn't really sure which one he was talking to anymore.

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