WAKE ME UP INSIDE *

[jagger owen wilson]

i hadn't been in to see cain while he was awake, even after what i'd overheard. how could i? how could i put either one of us through that? i couldn't stand it. i loved him, i did. fuck, i loved cain more than i'd loved anyone since cait's death. but i couldn't do this. i couldn't be selfish and hold him back from potential others - girlfriends, maybe boyfriends, people who would be able to love him wholly and completely in a way i never could. i was always going to have a piece of myself in the ground with caitlyn, a part of me that was hard to replace and it wasn't fair of me to make cain go through that. everyone i cared about got hurt; i had to just...let him go. let him think i didn't care about him. i had to be there for him; i always would be. i promised him the night we first slept together. but i couldn't let him love me any longer.

i couldn't avoid him forever and lately kendall had been working harder than ever to try and get me near him. saying he needed someone else to bathe him. mentioning she wouldn't be able to get food to him soon enough. that sort of thing. shit i knew she was doing because of the conversation she had had with him so every time i just declined and told her cain could wait. but then, she got an urgent page and barely had time to tell me to take cain his meds in about a half an hour because she would be occupied at the hospital. knowing this was legit, i begrudgingly agreed. i didn't want to see cain but i didn't want him to be in pain, either, and everybody else was busy. this was kendall's shift.

so i waited patiently for that thirty minutes to pass, passing the time with television and food. when they did expire, i rose to grab his medication off kendall's bedside table and then knocked lightly on his door and waited for a response. a "come in" or "who is it?" or even a good old-fashioned "fuck off". but it never came. i figured he must have been sleeping so i just grabbed onto the door knob and turned, pushing it open. "knock knock," i said quietly but when i looked over at cain, he was still sleeping soundly. i smiled sadly. he looked so peaceful in sleep, serene in a way i could never get him to be when he was awake. it was almost painful to have to try and wake him. but kendall would kill me if i didn't so i stepped forward and gently shook cain's shoulder.

"cain," i hissed. "rise and shine." no response. not even a groan. no eyes snapping open in recognition. no acknowledgment. i frowned. i knew he was mad; shit he was bound to be mad. but to actually ignore me? "cain, dude, don't be a shit. i know i'm not kendall but you need to take your meds." nothing. i set his medication on the bedside table to grab his shoulders with my hands. "cain! don't be a fuck, wake up." i shook him a little harder than i probably should have with his injuries. i knew it hurt him. but he didn't wake up. that was when i began to suspect that something was wrong. if cain was hurt, no matter how mad at me he was, he'd wake up and start bitching at me to let him go. probably freak out about how much i was hurting him. but he didn't even twitch. my heart started pounding.

"cain? cain??" i shook him again, hitting his cheeks lightly with my fingers. nothing. nothing! my heart was beating so hard it felt like it actually stopped. "cain, wake up, this isn't fucking funny!" nothing. i dropped my friend's shoulders, muttering curse words to myself. no, no, no, this wasn't happening. i dropped, pressing my ear to his chest as i checked his wrist for a heartbeat. i could feel the steady rise and fall that meant he was breathing and his heartbeat was fairly regular by my count. but still he wouldn't wake. frantically, i called the hospital asking to talk to my sister. and that was all i remembered doing on my own terms. everything else just sort of happened. and quickly.

i didn't leave his fucking side, though. i remembered that. you couldn't pull me from cain's side if you wanted to. i sat there holding his fucking hand from the time they got him in the ambulance until the time they got him situated in his room. when they tried to tell me i couldn't go back with him, i nearly knocked someone out according to kendall's recall and she had pulled some strings to make sure i was able to be with him so long as she was outside of the room to ensure everybody else's safety from me.

i wasn't going anywhere. i wasn't sleeping. i wasn't eating. i was going to stay right by cain's side. nothing could pull me away.

when he woke up, and god fucking damn it he was going to wake up, i was going to be there this time. i was going to be sure of it.

[/size]