YOU AND I - {jason}

[peter geoffrey ashton]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 340px; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding: 30px; border: #a0a0a0 solid 30px; ] we whisper words when we're alone at night OUTFIT CLICK TAGGED FOR LIV/JASON BABIESS~ since the announcements of the roles in bare had been announced, things between peter and jason had been a mixture of so much better and a little tense. for one, they had been chosen to play the opposite roles that they auditioned for: peter got the part of jason mcconnell, and jason, that of peter simons. which wasn't necessarily bad, just a little different, especially when peter remembered that he was going to have to have quite a few scenes with his ivy in which he'd spend a lot of rehearsals having to be extremely intimate with her, something that he knew that he was fine with because he was gay as the fourth of july but something he wasn't sure how jason would take. but the issue of their roles became more apparent after they had received the full scripts and jason had figured out exactly what the play was about. somehow peter felt a little guilty about it, like he should have mentioned that jason and peter in the musical were gay. of course he could have just claimed ignorance when jason had asked if he knew, but avoiding the problem and lying to jason hadn't worked out so well before in recent weeks. so he had said that he knew that jason and peter in the musical were in a relationship but not how similar they were to the two boys. and that was the truth: he had obviously known in order to properly project "are you there?" in his audition and even if his professor for reasons unknown thought that he'd make a better jason mcconnell in spite of that, it had obviously worked in his favor to know that. but jason, his jason, had been stressed about it ever since and though peter hated to admit it, he sort of had been to. because until he read through the entire script, he had no idea how to take the fact that he was going to have to be saying some really, really, really familiar lines onstage. lines that he'd heard tossed at him on the world stage for years. but he tried not to let that affect them and maybe it was because jason just didn't want to fight anymore but he let peter distract him from it, too. they ran lines together a few times before their first rehearsal, just the opening scene with you and i because peter didn't have it in him to do epiphany with him and he didn't want to hear jason sing role of a lifetime. it was depressing enough to hear that final "forever you and i" and they often stopped reading to just kiss and cuddle and say that they'd think of all the stupid play stuff later. and after that, they mainly worked on lines by themselves because the further that peter delved into the script, the less he wanted to actually have the scenes in which he interacted with his boyfriend. because he had spent enough time fighting with jason that he wasn't about to do it in a play, especially when he had to argue the wrong side. he'd save that for rehearsals. and speaking of rehearsals, their first one was that afternoon, when they'd be working on vocal arrangements and then running the first few opening numbers just to see where they were in terms of balanced voices and numbers. and peter was excited: he was always excited with rehearsals and just because him and jason were going to be a little awkward didn't mean anything. however, he did have some things he needed to do before heading out (thankfully his lectures weren't until later that night) so he woke up early that morning and pulled himself out of jason's tight hold to begin getting dressed, planting a simple kiss on his boyfriend's sleeping forehead. then he wrote a simple note on a sticky note (just a simple "ran out for crackers and other stuff for tonight. see you at rehearsals! i love you. - p") and walked out the door. he only returned to the dorm that day to drop off the crackers and other groceries he had picked up before heading off to the theater, where he hoped jason would be. honestly, he was beginning to get afraid that his boyfriend would drop the entire thing, what with how he had reacted to the content in the script. he drifted into the theater, though, in high hopes that jason would show up, being greeted by several of his friends as he did so. he hopped up on the stage to sit on the wooden covers they had put over the pit since they wouldn't yet be working with the orchestra, crossing his legs as he sat and listened to someone explaining to him what they would be doing before congratulating him on getting his part, to which he just replied with a quiet thank you and a tight smile. because honestly, he had no idea how he was going to play jason mcconnell. but he wasn't going to let it distract him. he just kept his eyes on the theater doors, just willing his boyfriend to walk through them. just praying that he hadn't given up the one thing that had recently just saved them. i want to hear them in the morning light

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN @ CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY GUNGOR

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[jason elijah rowe]

Jason had honestly been on edge since the moment he'd first read through the full script. First of all, this was going to be openly gay, on stage. Which in itself freaked him out, but what was worse was the fact that the Jason in the story could almost have been him, and he had a sinking feeling that Peter in the story could also be his Peter. It killed him to read through some of it, especially the part where Jason kills himself, considering how close he himself had come to do that with the exact same method as the guy in the story. Ugh. The whole thing freaked him out and running lines with Peter had been difficult. Especially since a lot of the lines in the first song they had together were almost exactly the same as stuff they'd said many a time lately. The stealing away and just taking a break to kiss and cuddle and spend time together, forgetting the play completely had been absolutely needed.

Sure, his first instinct had been to yell at Peter for not telling him what the play was actually about. However, he was so fucking tired of arguing that he just didn't have it in him, instead he allowed Peter to distract him with kisses, closeness and some rounds of 'baseball'. His stress had been obvious though and they'd gone through extreme amounts of crackers since they'd gotten the play. Most of the time though they practiced things on their own because neither of them could stand to run the lines with the other just because it was so close to their actual situation. When he'd first tried to sing through Absolution and No Voice, he'd honestly had a minor mental breakdown in the empty classroom. When he'd come back to his room he'd been so stressed it had even been difficult for Peter to calm him down, and he was sure Peter had noticed the slight hint of red around his eyes.

Today was going to be the first rehearsal and thankfully he hadn't had morning practice today due to weather issues, so he'd get to sleep in. For once he didn't wake when Peter untangled from him, however a small smile spread on his sleeping lips as he felt Peter's lips on his forehead. His alarm went off a bit later and he didn't get up until he had to rush out for his morning class. His mind wasn't on the music though and his teacher had to eventually just tell him to go, because he looked like a mess and she was worried he was getting sick or something. Heading back to the dorm he figured he'd pick up a few things before rehearsal, his script and maybe a bottle of water since he was already feeling nauseous about the whole thing. Especially since they'd be running You and I and well they'd actually have to kiss in front of all these people.

Once he reached the dorms he found the note and smiled at the comment about crackers. Peter was just so thoughtful. Looking around he spotted a couple of cracker boxes and grabbed one, opening it and slowly chewing on one as he headed towards the theatre. Oh God, he just wanted to withdraw from it all and have someone else do his part, but he'd promised Peter he would do it, besides, the happy look on Peter's face when he'd first auditioned was something he wasn't willing to give up. Oh and yeah someone else playing Peter's Peter in the play well it was a thought that made his stomach twist far more than the thought of doing it himself. No he had to do this, so not long before the scheduled time he headed through the doors and smiled nervously as he spotted Peter. A few people greeted him as he headed towards Peter and a few congratulating him on the role and asking him how much he'd practiced, or even what made him audition in the first place.

His answers were somewhat absent minded and it was probably quite obvious to anyone who bothered looking close enough that he was nervous as hell, almost to the point of terrified of the rehearsal. After what seemed an eternity he finally reached Peter and sent him a strained smile. "Hey." he muttered, grabbing another cracker from the box and slowly chewing on it. Really he felt like he was about to throw up, this was something so far different from the audition. Then he'd thought he was playing a straight guy and the scene was with a girl, yet today they were going to go through Epiphany, You and I and Role of a Lifetime. All songs he had a massive role in and he was scared. Not only scared but doing Role of a Lifetime just touched him in a way that made him want to scream. But here he was, regardless of all his fear, because he loved Peter too much to let the chance of making it up to him for the last few weeks of arguments before the audition.

[peter geoffrey ashton]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 340px; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding: 30px; border: #a0a0a0 solid 30px; ] we whisper words when we're alone at night OUTFIT CLICK TAGGED FOR LIV/JASON BABIESS~ it wasn't hard to see that peter was distracted. he was a spacey guy as it was and when he sat on the stage like that with that blank look on his face, everyone knew to pretty much just leave him alone. interrupting him from those thoughts usually earned them a random question like "why?" or "how can that be?" or "you'd save me, wouldn't you?" and though they made a game out of seeing who could give him the greatest and most accurate answer judging on what they knew what happening in his life and where his mind usually went on certain days, rehearsals wasn't a time for that because whatever peter was thinking about probably had to do with the play and his part. and since his part was so emotional, no one wanted to hear the questions that would come pouring forth from his lips, and no one wanted to break that concentration. maybe peter's methods were weird or stressful but they worked, and no one was going to take that away from him. what no one knew though was that this time peter wasn't lost in his part, though his thoughts were definitely on a jason. he was worried, scared shitless really that he wasn't going to show. it would be just like them, just typical to go back into hiding after they had made so much progress in coming this far out of it. he knew how jason got, how scared he was, and after reviewing the numbers they would be doing, it wouldn't surprise him if he left it up to his understudy. after all, they were doing epiphany and role of a lifetime which were not only centered entirely around his character but peter couldn't stand to meet his eye during either. because he'd been there; he had lived those songs. and he had lived them because of jason, and jason knew it. add in the fact that when doing you and i between those, the pair of them would kiss and flirt openly on stage, and it wouldn't be too much of a shock if jason just bailed. especially with his stage fright. but then a miracle happened and when the doors opened and peter raised his head in interest, his eyes were satisfied with seeing his boyfriend walk in, the box of crackers that he had just bought in hand. a few people walked up to say hi to jason, talk to him about his part, but if peter knew his boyfriend half as well as he thought he did (and he did) then he'd bet everything he had that jason was barely paying attention. the way he held onto that box of crackers, the fact that he had even brought it with him...he was nervous. and whether it was because of what they were performing or because they were performing at all, peter had the urge to drag him backstage and comfort him the best way he knew how. but people were always moving around backstage and entering without warning so that probably wasn't a good idea. it just pained him to see the crackers; jason was never so careless about his vulnerability and everyone around pretty much knew what that meant. it meant an upset stomach and an upset stomach meant nerves. his strained smile was also enough to break peter's heart, and he stood as his boyfriend approached him, reaching into the box of crackers himself even though he didn't have any nerves to calm. he just felt like sharing it would help jason to know that he was there without him having to actually say anything that could be interpreted wrong (or right) by the people around them. "hey yourself," he replied, giving him a soft smile as he nibbled on a cracker. "i was a little worried you got held up there for a second." which he knew most people would take to mean that he didn't want to work with an understudy but jason would understand the deeper meaning behind him. "glad you managed to show up." and was he ever. honestly, he was so relieved that he probably could have cried. because jason wasn't giving up on them. he wasn't bailing out. "you're going to be fine," he added in a low whisper, trying to be reassuring. "you're amazing, okay? and i'll be right here." i want to hear them in the morning light

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN @ CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY GUNGOR

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[jason elijah rowe]

Taking a seat next to where Peter had been sitting, his heart was racing to the point of uncomfortable. Who would have thought that his heart could do this over anything other than running the last lap of a two hour workout with the football team? Honestly he hadn't thought it possible. He hadn't failed to notice the fact that Peter had taken a cracker, and he knew Peter wasn't that nervous about being on stage that he'd need them, but he appreciated the gesture non the less. Hell Jason's legs even felt shaky, so much adrenaline over a play, geez. "Yeah well, I was a bit worried about that myself there for a moment." he admitted with another strained smile. "Yeah well, I figured I couldn't miss first rehearsal anyway. Besides, I have one of the main roles in these scenes right? Wouldn't work missing them" there was a hint of a double meaning in his words and he had to swallow hard at the thought of the fact that he did indeed have one of the main roles in this play.

Honestly he could have cried himself at that point, he was so fucking nervous and the idea of openly flirting with Peter on a stage with all the rest watching, well it was terrifying. "Thanks, I know you think so... I'm not so sure if I'm gonna be honest, but I'll try my best" at that moment the teacher seemed to come in and ask them to take their places for Epiphany, so he had to move away from Peter and onto stage with the rest of the group, oh he was sure he wasn't gonna have any issues what so ever acting scared and freaked out for this role, all he had to do was channel the way he actually felt. However once the crowd started shouting abomination at him, a true panic set in and he had absolutely NO problem looking completely freaked out by it. Once the song was over it honestly took him the world of strength to pull himself together and take a few deep breaths to calm down. This was after all portraying some of his greatest fears and so it wasn't hard to get into the role. He found himself wondering if Peter ever felt this way.

Stepping over to where he'd been sitting before he grabbed another cracker and some water, drinking some and slowly eating the cracker. People were giving him compliments but he himself knew the only reason he really did this too well was because he'd been actually freaked out. It hadn't been an act, it had been a real reaction. Running a hand through his hair he sat down, looking a bit pale, though not so much so that most people would notice it. "yeah thanks Julie, I guess I did alright" he was being modest about it because he had no control of how well he'd done, hell he hardly remembered much of it as it were. Another drink of water and he was feeling a bit calmer, hell he wished he could just take Peter away somewhere and hold him for a moment, that never failed to calm him down no matter what was wrong, and this time he honestly felt like he needed it. Though of course there was no way they could do that just then.

His eyes were scanning the room to see if he could spot Peter somewhere. Even if they couldn't actually hold each other he just needed his boyfriend right then, if just to talk to and to feel grounded again. Another person came up to congratulate him on a role well played and he was forcing a bright smile and acting his normal self now he had been able to calm down ever so slightly. "Yeah thanks man, I have been practicing for it a lot. I never really expected to get such a big role, I didn't really expect acting to be my thing" he said in his normal, confident sort of tone, winking playfully at a girl standing next to the guy. However his eyes were still mainly searching for Peter in the crowd that had gathered around him. Why couldn't they just go congratulate someone else, because he didn't feel like wearing his mask of perfect confidence right then

[peter geoffrey ashton]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 340px; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding: 30px; border: #a0a0a0 solid 30px; ] we whisper words when we're alone at night OUTFIT CLICK TAGGED FOR LIV/JASON BABIESS~ he didn't get much of a chance to respond to jason's insecurities before the director was coming out and saying that they all needed to get into places for epiphany. since peter was actually supposed to be offstage for this song, waiting for his cue to enter for you and i, he cleared off the stage, saying a quiet, "break a leg," to jason before heading off side stage to wait for his cue. to be honest? he really wished that he was in the scene. because at least then he'd be so lost in trying to be one of those hateful people that seeing how jase would react to it would just bring some satisfaction in how the scene was going. but instead, he had to watch it from an outsider, knowing exactly what was running through jason's head. as the scene started, he felt his stomach churn and the second one of the ensemble members started with "one of these boys is not like the others," he had to look away. because he knew what that was like. being afraid. they both did, and he knew how terrifying this must be for jason to be doing up on stage. he wouldn't deny having nightmares similar. with people telling him that his mom would suffer. that he was dragging jason down to hell with him. that he was the reason his parents' marriage was so rocky. he bit down on his lip especially as the woman who played claire, peter simons' mom came on stage to talk about their divorce. and when everyone started singing "abomination", he bit down on his lip so hard he was afraid that he was going to draw blood. jason's face looked so horrified and scared and hurt, and he wanted to run out there and tell everyone to stop and just hold jason until he felt better, until that look was erased from his face. he clapped along with everyone else when the seen ended and moved to join the ensemble that had surrounded his boyfriend. he waited for several people to go through their compliments before pushing through and immediately enveloping his friend in a hug. because he was his friend first and foremost before he was his boyfriend and though it wasn't the best he could offer, it was the most he could offer for the time being. he pulled back so that it didn't seem like a comforting hug to anyone else but a congratulatory one and he told him, "you were great. very powerful." which he hoped jason took as him telling him to stay strong but there was only so much that their non-verbals could tell one another. "and it'll just get better with time." and he wasn't talking about jason's acting. he was talking about the feeling. because those nightmares...they did get easier with time. soon everyone was clearing away, though, so that they could get everything set up for you and i, and peter gave jason a tight smile. "we're next," he said, reaching out to touch his wrist. "just remember, start with the hail mary and then...just look at me, okay? from there just look at me." he smiled before running back off side stage to wait and when jason began the hail mary, he found himself closing his eyes to get himself in character. playful but nervous. pretty much like his own jason. just jumpy even if he wanted to be affectionate. and when his musical cue came on, he walked out and grabbed his boyfriend's hips with his hands and started to sing. i want to hear them in the morning light

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN @ CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY GUNGOR

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[jason elijah rowe]

Even if he'd wanted to he couldn't have began to explain how relieved he was when Peter broke through the crowd, and despite his being so fidgety about public affection with them, well he hugged Peter back and held him there just for a second before he let Peter pull back. Sure he didn't want to make people suspicious, but he'd needed that hug more than he could admit, even to himself. Honestly he was seriously close to just collapsing into Peter's arms when they were wrapped around him, however he knew he couldn't. Peter was right he had to stay strong, and though the side meaning of the comment of being powerful had escaped him, he knew that was what Peter was silently trying to tell him. Forcing a smile as Peter pulled back he glanced around, no one seemed to be looking at them strangely so it seemed that they were fine for now, maybe a random hug at moments that seemed to be natural wouldn't be so bad for the future either. He made a mental note of that.

"Thanks Peter" he said in reply to the compliment he'd just been given. "Yeah, I'm sure it does" honestly he didn't really think that was the case but at least he did understand the hidden meaning in those words. "I'm surprised I got through it at all, I was so fucking nervous" he admitted and chuckled, it was a forced chuckle though. Honestly there were other reasons why he'd thought he wouldn't get through it at all, he'd thought he was going to collapse when they'd started screaming abomination to him, but by some miracle he'd made it through. It was one thing to have practiced this scene on his own, it hadn't been good then either, but having actual people singing the other parts. It had been terrifying. It had been living through a nightmare, and he'd wanted to scream instead of sing, but at least through singing he'd been able to express some of the stress the scene was putting on him.

As soon as the crowd started clearing to prepare for their next scene though the nervousness returned tenfolds. Fucking hell he wasn't looking forward to this, or rather, he was and he wasn't. He swallowed hard and nodded a little. "Yeah thanks, I'll try to do that." he said as he went to take his place on stage, moving around as the music started. "Hail Mary, full of grace.
 The Lord is with thee.
 Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
 Holy Mary, Mother of God, 
pray for us sinners, 
now and at the hour of our death." he said, managing to live into the role, once he was done though and Peter placed hands on his hips he had slight issues not tensing up but it almost just seemed as part of the role. Then he started answering the bantering singing. In fact, once they started he easily lost himself in the role and the little game with him and Peter singing back and forth.

Once time came for the kiss his eyes dropped shut and the kiss lasted maybe a bit longer than what was natural in the scene, then he pulled off and chuckled. "Was that supposed to shut me up?" and the scene continued through the motions until it finished. People were cheering, and whistling at them and there were comments like. "Dude that was hot!" from some of the girls, and Jason would have had issues with it if it wasn't for the fact that the director told them to just move straight into the next song. Jason wasn't looking forward to it but he didn't have much time to think about it because he was just forced to move straight on to the next part. Swallowing he nodded and moved on to his next spot, fuck he wished he'd had the chance to have another cracker and some water before he had to do this. This scene was painful and troubling to do and he could have used a break.

However there was nothing he could do about it, the director didn't want to stop and he wouldn't want to be that lame guy who slowed everyone else down. Taking his place he started singing.

Everything’s an act,
When you’re pleasing everyone.
And he assumes that role
To such renown.
He plays a perfect part,
Straight from his heart
Knowing the risk he takes
And hoping that the house
Is not brought down.

His voice was a bit shaky as he started but it evened out as he lost himself in the role, and again he had no issues really of living himself into the role and the emotions of the character. In fact once he started he found that it was actually kind of easy to loose himself in the moment and he understood in one clear moment why Peter loved this so much. It was actually a way to release some pent up emotions without anyone really judging him for it. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all?

The role of a lifetime is living a fantasy.
The trauma that you struggle to erase.
Thoughts battle words over deeds
A war with such casualties.
All played out behind a smiling face.

God I need your guidance
Tell me what it means
To live a life where nothings as it seems.
Spending days in silent fear,
And spending nights in lonely prayer.
Hoping that one day when you wake,
Those feelings won’t be there.

Another thing he noticed as he stood there singing his song and living into it was that he had a lot of these feelings himself, but he also wondered if this was what Peter felt half the time and it stabbed his heart with guilt to even consider it. It didn't get any better as the song moved on and he found once more that his voice as shaking slightly, but again it could be gone into the emotion of the character. It wasn't so much that it seemed he was about to crack even if maybe he was. Jason didn't do these things. He never really showed this kind of emotion and even this slight hint, well it was more than his usual expressions.

So confused because I feel complete with him
When we're alone it all somehow makes sense.
Look into his eyes for some compromise
Remember the word, forget
And try to bury something so intense.

You learn to play the straight man,
Your lines become routine.
Never really saying what you mean.
But I know the scene will change,
White picket fences, and a dog,
A trophy bride and children
God I know that’s what he wants

Was that really what Peter thought? Well he couldn't blame him if it was, after all, well he thought it would be better if he did follow that part sometimes. Not that he really wanted it, but it would be better for everyone else if he did. His parents, the rest of the world, for Peter even because at least he didn't have to worry about dragging him into hell. Then the next part happened to reflect that feeling.

But Jason what role do I play,
Am I a savior or a phase?
Am I here to damn you?
Or to help you navigate this maze.
Where confusion is a crime,
So you fill your life with sound,
And if you dance like hell,
You hope you never touch the ground.

What happens when the music stops?
In the silence will he stay one day,
One day you'll realize that these feelings aren't going away
So we drive ourselves insane,
Spinning circles in our souls,
As we dance around and play pretend.
Then once again,
Reprise our roles.

As he finished up he grabbed the backpack and walked off stage, leaning against the wall backstage for a moment and trying to catch his breath. Woah this wasn't going to be an easy experience. This whole play, it was going to leave him absolutely exhausted in the end. Even now he was exhausted and he still had classes and working out for football to do. Yeah he knew he'd end up being absolutely exhausted by the end of these rehearsals and the actual play showings. After a moment to himself he once more emerged from the backstage getting some congratulations about how well he'd portrayed the emotions and again he was forcing smiles and thanking them, trying to get to his bottle of water and crackers. Mentally reminding himself to get some more of those for the next rehearsals.

[peter geoffrey ashton]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 340px; background-image:url(http://i583.photobucket.com/albums/ss279/legendskseeker/fk5qwnjpg.png); padding: 30px; border: #a0a0a0 solid 30px; ] we whisper words when we're alone at night OUTFIT CLICK TAGGED FOR LIV/JASON BABIESS~ that was not a stage kiss. that was the first thing that peter thought to himself as he took his cue to exit from the scene. after he was able to stop thinking as jason mcconnell and start to once more begin his thinking as peter ashton, it was the first thing he realized. he knew what stage kisses were like. stage kisses didn't give you butterflies or last that long or even necessarily look like they were kisses between two people who really wanted to share them. half the time, stage kisses weren't even actually on the lips. that, what jason had just given him, was real and it was something that lost in the moment, he hadn't realized but now that he heard the calls from some of the girls in the ensemble and a couple of wolf whistles from those less shameless men who were on good terms with him, he realized that there were going to be a few people in that audience wondering why it wasn't so awkward for peter and jason to kiss like that. peter's defense would of course be that he was used to kissing people on stage and wanted to make jason feel as comfortable as possible, and he was sure most people assumed that jason was comfortable enough not only with peter but with his own masculinity to really give two shits about kissing him on stage. but there were always a select few and peter made a mental note to stick to their musical cues. he couldn't make the mistake of actually kissing jason on stage for every rehearsal and every performance. eventually he'd miss a beat or a cue and they'd get off and ruin the song. he had to remember to keep it short, remember that he was playing the guy being afraid of people seeing them so he had to be the one to initiate and end that kiss. he had to be jason. otherwise, things would just go wrong. he could feel it. he stayed off to the side where a friend of his met him with a water bottle and he thanked him before turning to watch jason's performance. he had never heard jason sing role of a lifetime before - in fact, he had pretty much refused to listen to it because he couldn't stand to hear his boyfriend singing his own insecurities at him. he'd break down knowing that jason was expecting him to help with the emotion of this scene, looking into his eyes as he sang the one line that he knew would cause a breakdown - jason, what role do i play? thankfully in rehearsals, he didn't have to be in that audience. in fact, he had to be side stage because during the performance, he would have to lounge around until the end of the auditions scene and moving around backstage too much would be disruptive. not to mention he was helping to move scenery onto the stage after jason's performance. so he was free to watch from the wings while jason sang, deliberately not making contact with his eyes or face while watching the performance. because he did wonder sometimes - what role did he play? in this perfect life that jason had planned out...in this dream of staying closeted and maybe a trophy bride to appease his parents and always loving peter in the shadows...in this life that jason had planned for himself while he played the straight man, where did peter fit? was he there to damn him? was that all that he was to him? or was he there to help guide him out to his parents and the rest of the world? as jason sang the lines, peter noted the tonal differences between how jason did it and how he would have done it. jason didn't quite capture peter simons' desperation, his desire, his pain and though peter knew that was because he didn't understand it, he couldn't help but make a few mental notes to give his boyfriend. from one actor to another. when jason left the stage, peter stared after him. while peter had been hanging off stage right where he had exited, jason had exited stage left and because of that, pete took it as a sign that jason didn't want to talk. he just needed a few moments to himself and he let him take it, walking out onstage to clap along with everyone else. they waited until jason came back onto the stage and then when everyone else went up to go and congratulate him, peter himself went after jason's water bottle and of course the crackers that he had bought for his boyfriend that morning because after a performance like that, he knew that he'd need them. he saw jason trying to break away from the other people and for that, he asserted himself again, shoving the box of crackers into his chest as lightly as he could to catch his attention before looking up at him. "come on," he said quietly, "i want to talk to you about that scene. give a few pointers if you'll let me." really, though, he just wanted to get him alone. jason looked so uncomfortable coming off that stage that peter knew - he just knew - that he needed some more time alone. it didn't take a couple minutes to solve a problem like this. he'd know. the same affect came to him whenever he practiced cross on his own. i want to hear them in the morning light

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TEMPLATE BY KHRISTIAN @ CAUTION 2.0, LYRICS BY GUNGOR

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[jason elijah rowe]

Jason was still just feeling really shaky, and he wanted to be allowed to get out of the fucking crowd. He played his role of perfectly confident and happy well though, so none of them really knew he wasn't wanting company. Well he did want company, but the only company he wanted was that of Peter. Suddenly he felt a box being pressed to his chest and looked down to find a box of crackers being held by some very familiar hands. Hearing the words he nodded and sent Peter a smile, looking into his eyes to show how much he appreciated it. Yeah alright, sorry guys, but I'm gonna have to take some pointers from this guy, after all he has far more acting experience than I do" he said in a friendly tone and broke free from the group around him actually having to push a few of the girls off his arm as he hurried after Peter trying to get away from everything and everyone as fast as he humanly could without looking like he was running away.

"Thanks" he muttered as they headed towards the exit and an empty classroom next to the stage area. It was nice to get out and the moment they were away from everyone else the smile slipped off his face and he let out a soft sigh. "Didn't much feel like being pleasant to everyone just then" he added as he grabbed another cracker and started munching on it slowly. Again he was feeling stressed and nauseous. Gosh that song had just freaked him out so badly, he didn't know how to deal with it. Another sigh escaped him as he reached for the handle of the door to the classroom, then did the same process as the day of the audition with closing the blinds and locking the door behind them. The second he was done he pulled Peter into a rather tight hun, leaning his head against his shoulder. "That was... tough" he said quietly.

Then after a moment he pulled back enough to lock lips with his boyfriend, loosing himself in the moment and just taking comfort one of the few ways he knew how to. His mind was still reeling about the lyrics of the song, why hadn't it occurred to him to think about the connection of this song to his Peter until he was up on stage? After a small moment he pulled away and locked eyes with Peter, trying to see if he could spot anything of that from him, but coming up short he figured he'd just have to ask. "Peter? Do you feel like that? Like there's not gonna be a spot for you?" he asked quietly. "Because I want there to always be a spot for you" it was true, and it was something that he hadn't really admitted before, not even really to himself. All he wanted to do in that moment was to let Peter know he cared enough to want him around. It was too painful to even imagine a life without Peter.

"Look... maybe I do wish I'd be the kind for a house and stuff like the song says, but honestly... I'm not.." he was trying so hard to explain but he'd never been good at expressing feelings. He sighed and lowered his head to Peter's shoulder again. Fucking hell he was so exhausted already he wasn't sure how the hell he was going to be able to get through working out later. His arms pulled Peter as close as humanly possible as he tried to calm himself down, he really needed to pull himself together so he wouldn't be a mess all day. It wasn't an option because when he was around other people he couldn't show this side of himself. The Jason that was insecure and upset and just worried about the future that everyone else had planned out for him. Honestly he hadn't gotten much of a say in the future his parents had made out for him.