so i can't hurt you anymore - [zane]

[mickey james wilson]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb= style, background-color: 6F434E; width: 420px; padding: 5 5 5 5px; border: 10px solid #2F2E2E;] two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl renee/zane - too many words - ily or wtfever there were so many things that went unsaid between zane mercer and mickey wilson. things that the two of them avoided for one reason or another. truth be told, mick had no idea why zane hadn't ever brought this up before. it was just who zane was. the hopeless romantic who wanted a life long relationship and a happily ever after. and for twenty-five years, they never had brought it up. and he didn't know zane's reasons for keeping things all hush hush but he did know his own. zane deserved better. so much better than he could ever give to him. zane deserved someone that would be true to him no matter how hard shit got. he deserved someone who wasn't going to be mickey james. so mick had kept his emotions to himself. he hadn't said a word or batted an eyelash. though...that wasn't completely the truth either. because his bringing people home always seemed to increase when zane was with someone. his random fucking and his drinking always went on an upscale every time that zane got serious with someone. because it hurt him, to see someone else kissing zane, or make him smile. but fuck if he was ever going to fuck with that. so he did what he did best, he was a whore and an alcoholic. if there were some sort of chart to show mick's addiction levels they would see peaks every time that zane went and got himself to love for the time being. and everything just seemed to go to a higher and higher level. fuck, zane deserved better than mickey, but that didn't mean that mick liked it. but here they were twenty-five years later finally addressing what neither of them had addressed before. the things that went unsaid, or only said when he was curled up next to zane's sleeping body whispering words in his ear that he could never say when he was awake and looking at him. they were both awake now, sitting at the table like a family with remedy. and though mickey really didn't want to have this conversation with the little girl sitting there he could understand that zane wasn't really wanting to wait much longer with this topic of conversation. it had, after all, been their entire lives of building sexual tension and emotions. when zane spoke his eyes moved to lock on his best friend's, not tearing his gaze away from the other man. after those first two words left and silence took over them again he let his gaze drop to his food. but then those other words came. words that they never really had spoken to each other. at least not with that sort of meaning. not the meaning that they were in love with each other. but he knew that when zane said those words, he didn't just mean in a friendship way. he meant it so much more seriously. deeply. in a way that mickey knew if he said it back there was no turning back from that moment. he opened his mouth for a moment as if he was going to say something. as if he finally had some words to put to this situation, but after a few moments of just, sitting there open mouthed like a fish, he couldn't find the words. he wanted to say it. fuck, he wanted to say it back to him so badly that it hurt. but fuck, his mouth had dried up, and his throat felt like it was closing. "i know," he mumbled and then turned his attention fully to his food downing the rest of it and then standing to put his dishes in the sink. it was too much, he needed to get away. fuck, he wanted to run right out of the front door and do something stupid, but it was like his feet wouldn't obey his mind. they refused to bring him towards the exit. a sigh came from the man as he stayed in the kitchen massaging the bridge of his nose. god, this all, was just so fucked. oh how we found the same old fears TEMPLATE BY BROOKE~

[zane dominic mercer]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] FUCK THE PAST; THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR HAND The Words: lazy The Outfit: click The Notes aljdskf ZICKEY TEARS he wasn't expecting much. maybe a tight nod or something to the very least, an "i love you too" to the very most because they were words that felt so comfortable for him to say that he figured it could that easy for mickey, too. he knew mickey was so opposed to this idea so he wasn't anticipating a big declaration of love or anything, but it was just a simple and honest 'i love you'. something that was easy for him. effortless because he knew it was true and he knew mickey was his world and he knew that this...this was what he wanted and he thought maybe mick could want it too if he could just...hear what zane was seeing and witness that love. and maybe he could tell him that he loved him too just to test the words on him while he was awake and maybe then he would realize...it was worth it. maybe if he knew zane was serious he could understand. but the words didn't come and though zane didn't expect them to and it was a crazy hope more anything, it still hurt. he wasn't going to go cry over it or anything like that but it was like a punch in the gut to know that when it was just him and mickey and rem, he still couldn't say it. even if they knew both knew it, even if it was something they discussed, mickey was always going to delay saying it out loud as much as zane was going to be sure to say it more. and that realization hurt the same way it always hurt when mickey tried to deny that there was something between them that was deeper than either one could try and understand. and zane didn't know what to do, didn't know how to react and he could feel his daughter's eyes trained on him as he set his jaw and blinked back his emotions with a short, tight nod and he finished up his dinner in relative silence. to the very least, he could at least hand it to him that he didn't leave. when he finished his dinner, he picked up his and remedy's dishes and took them to the sink, kissing the top of her little blonde head as he did so. he glanced over at mickey, debated doing...something. taking him into his arms and hugging him or just a simple pat on the shoulder to tell him it was okay. he'd give him time. but he couldn't bring himself to do that, couldn't even say anything with the tightening in his throat and he met his eyes once, stared at him for just a few short seconds before tearing his eyes away and walking back to the table to pick remedy up and pull her in close to him, taking comfort in how her arms wrapped around his neck and she said, "do you love me too, daddy?" and he smiled somewhat sadly and kissed her cheek and replied, "of course i do, boo. and kitty does too. now go brush your teeth." he kissed her again and she wrinkled her nose but still scurried off toward the bathroom when he put her back down. with her out of the room, he turned back toward mickey to try to attempt to say something again but he didn't know what else to tell him. he had already told him everything he could. he'd already told him how much he loved him. how there wasn't anyone else for him. he told him that he thought he was a great person and he told him that he had faith in him and he told him that he loved him and mickey was just...so fucking convinced that he was bad for him, so convinced that he was hurt him, and honestly if he was so hellbent on doing it sometimes zane was afraid he would. it was what he'd been doing inadvertently throughout the years, after all. but he knew...if he could just get mickey to say it. if he could get him to admit to saying that he loved him, if he could just...get him to try, get to him and convince him that he could change, he could wait and be with him and they'd one day reach the point where they could have sex. and then it would be okay and he would feel like the past twenty-five years of zane and mickey weren't all just a giant waste. but he didn't know what to say to him. he didn't know what to tell him when he had told him absolutely everything already. he told him he'd be patient. he told him they could work together. he told him he had faith in him. he loved him. he told him they were a family. he had already felt what it was like to kiss him and be kissed by him, had felt what it was like to be held by him, felt the comforting feeling of his body pressed against his, and even if mickey didn't know about some of those parts because he thought he wasn't awake for them, zane had experienced it and he had taken that emotion when talking to mickey and tried to concentrate it and just...nothing worked. he didn't know what to tell him. so instead of just pressing the issue, he said flatly, "it's late. rem should be put to bed soon," before setting his jaw and looking away again. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[mickey james wilson]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb= style, background-color: 6F434E; width: 420px; padding: 5 5 5 5px; border: 10px solid #2F2E2E;] two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl renee/zane - too many words - ily or wtfever he was already fucking up. he knew it without even looking at zane's face, he was already fucking things up. which really, wasn't much of a shock given that was mickey's m.o. fucking things up beyond repair. but god damn this was one thing that he really didn't want to fuck up. his friendship with zane. the family that they made when you added in that little blonde thing that had captured mick's heart just as much as her father had. this was dangerous ground that they were walking on and fuck, mick just knew that it was a bad idea. it was a terrible idea. he was quite sure that if kendall were there right then she would slap the stupid out of both of them for thinking for a moment that they could actually make a relationship work for them. zane, he could make relationships work. he was the relationship type of man. he could do it. but mickey? no, it was just, it was impossible. but fuck if part of him didn't want to believe that it could be possible when zane said the things that he did. fuck if he didn't just want to throw in the towel and try to pretend that he was someone different at least for a while. because zane believed in him so god damn much. and zane wanted it to work. and zane thought that it would work. and it would be wonderful. and whatever the fuck else was going through his mind. he had so much god damn faith in them, in mick himself, that he couldn't understand it. and because of that he wanted to just give in. try and forget that he was a walking piece of shit, and just fucking try something with everything he had for once in his life. the thing that scared him, though, was what if his best wasn't enough. what if putting his everything into something wasn't even close to fucking enough? what if he could never be fucking anything enough for zane? mickey wasn't brave. he wasn't a hero. he was a coward. he took the easy way out every damn time without fail. kendall had told him before that he was everything that was bad in all the other wilson's just shoved into one person, and she was right. and with all that bad how was there even any room for good. how was there even fucking room for him to be some kind of good for zane. for remedy. sure, when he was in the mercer house, he could act like a decent human being. he could watch his mouth, he could let loose, he could put on some sort of mask of being a good person. but where did the mask end and the actual person begin. were the good sides that came out around that little blonde just something he was only able to muster during those times that he was around her? were they a facade? or were they an actual part of him? he couldn't be sure, he'd never been sure, and that was what was keeping him from just, giving in. trying. fucking trying something for once in his life. but this wasn't just something, it was something really fucking important. it was something that if he fucked up, there wouldn't be any going back to normal. and he fucking knew it. so when zane came into the kitchen all he did was toss him a glance. he didn't have two words to say to the man. because, mickey james was a fucking coward and there was no changing that. the flat tone to his voice, though, shot him right through his heart. and he knew that it was his fucking fault. fuck he wanted to just go hug that stupid son of a bitch. he wanted to kiss him. he wanted to say okay we'll try. but he couldn't. he fucking couldn't. sure, he could whisper sweet nothings when he was sleeping, but he couldn't do this. so instead, he just nodded. "okay. i'll go ahead and get her tucked in," he spoke softly then walked past him. but when their bodies were close, he couldn't help himself as his hand moved out taking zane's for a brief moment and squeezing it in some sort of gesture of.....he didn't even fucking know. all he knew was that he felt the need to do it. after stopping to look into his eyes for a moment he let go of his hand and then made his way to get remedy. "hey boo, c'mon miss thang it's time for bed," he informed the girl before scooping her up in her arms and taking her to her bed laying her down and tucking the covers in tight around her. "goodnight baby girl. i love you." at least, it was easy to say it to her. oh how we found the same old fears TEMPLATE BY BROOKE~

[zane dominic mercer]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] FUCK THE PAST; THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR HAND The Words: lazy The Outfit: click The Notes aljdskf ZICKEY TEARS he was tired. he was good with dealing with the things in his life. a four year old that ran around and drove him up the wall half the time. a best friend he was in love with who broke his heart every single day. employers who were as much his friend as anyone who always told him how stupid and emotional he was being. and then there was kendall and jason and their disapproving looks, always trying to shrink him and control his life. and he loved them all, he did, and he was able to handle them most of the time. but there reached a point in one's life when they just had to stop paying attention to everyone around them and just...shut down. there came a point when someone just got way too tired. and when mick walked up to him and grabbed his hand in that...that somehow affectionate way, that was when zane's entire being decided to shut down on him. that was when he got too tired. because he could only take so much of this. so much of this stupid "i love you" "i'm not good for you" bullshit that mickey liked to pull with him, the way he tugged on his heartstrings and made him fall in love with him the way that he did and then just...ran off and did mickey things and denied him the only thing he had ever actually asked from him. the one thing that he thought it would be easy for him to give and that he thought sometimes mickey was willing to give. willing in the looks they shared or the way they touched. or when mick did things like grab his hand. but he knew he wasn't going to get it for a while and even though he was okay with that and he was okay with waiting and he was willing to wait a thousand years if it meant one day mickey would be ready to love him...sometimes he just got tired. sometimes he couldn't just keep standing. and he wanted to throw in the towel. tell mickey that he won and collapse in bed and just...let him clean up and tell him that he'll see him in the morning so that he can have some rest and regain a little bit of his energy. then he'd be able to put up with mickey again. he'd be able to smile and look at him and not have it hurt and he'd be able to survive the day because he'd have enough sleep and he'd stop feeling just so...so drained, emotionally and physically like he was holding up the weight of the world on his shoulders and everyone else refused to help lighten the load. he was no one to complain about his life. it was amazing and things were perfect. he had his daughter. he had mickey even if it wasn't in the way he wanted it. he had a great job and friends that he loved and no debt and everything that he could want in life. so he wasn't going to complain. but god damn it sometimes it was hard. he followed after mickey soon after he let go of his hand. he just needed a second to compose himself, to get a grip back on his emotions so that remedy didn't have to see him so shaken. but mickey did that to him. he was able to derail him and while he was normally someone who was so strong, so in his element, so ready to help anyone and be their support, mickey had a way of tearing the ground out from beneath his feet with stupid simple things. he took a few deep breaths before following after his friend, standing in the doorway as mickey tucked in his little girl. smiled softly when he told her that he loved her. having it falter when she said that she loved him too. he called out softly, "love you too, baby girl," and got it said back to him (she always would and he took solace in that) before nodding tightly. "i'm going to bed," he told mickey in quieter tones. "don't worry about the dishes. i'll do them in the morning." and then he backed out of the room, avoided mickey's eyes, avoided looking at his face, his lips that he could still feel on his from earlier that night. and he just told himself that for this one night...this one night he could forget it all and be selfish and curl up in bed where at least nothing could get to him and everything would be okay in the morning. conversation forgotten. mickey could just have his time to think and come to conclusions and fuck if he was going to worry about it. if mick wanted it, he'd think on it. if he didn't...well, he'd go out and get laid now wouldn't he? so with that thought in mind he just headed back to his room, pulling off his shirt and trading his jeans for a pair of pajama pants before falling into bed, curling into himself and just...trying to forget. if only his brain would stop whirring. created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[mickey james wilson]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb= style, background-color: 6F434E; width: 420px; padding: 5 5 5 5px; border: 10px solid #2F2E2E;] two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl renee/zane - too many words - ily or wtfever mickey knew that he made zane tired. he knew that there were a lot of times that he just exhausted him and he could see it in his face. and if he had bothered to look he probably would've noticed it when he took hold of his hand and then something in zane just deflated. he didn't notice it though. he was too busy working on getting the little blonde girl to sleep, and maybe he was scared that if he did look at zane then he would end up doing something that he didn't mean to do. he would've ended up kissing him. so even though he extended that one little piece of affection, it was more just to remind zane that he was there. that he did care. maybe that he was sorry that he was such a shit. he wasn't sure. all that he knew was that he had to do it. just like he had to tuck rem in. and just like he had to tell her that he loved her. because he could at least do that. he could at least say out loud that he loved the little girl even if he couldn't do the same with her father. after pressing one more kiss to her forehead he made his way towards the door in time to hear what zane had to say. and it was right there that he saw just how tired his friend was. and he knew, he just knew, that so much of it was because of him. he locked eyes with his friend for one moment, long enough to be able to see the drooping of his eyelids, and the tired expression. mick just nodded in response and gave him a weak little smile before moving past him to let the men go their separate ways. zane into his bedroom, and mickey into the living room to watch some mindless reality series in hopes that it would pass the time. the thought crossed his mind for a moment to just go to the bar. find some hot piece of ass. get liad. but...he couldn't do it. he wasn't sure why he couldn't, but he couldn't. so instead his eyes just stared blankly at the television. after a half hour of that shit, though, he found himself getting restless. eyes shifted to the kitchen where the dishes sat and even though zane told him not to do them, he just, he couldn't sit still any longer. he needed to do something. and there was no way that he was leaving the house even though he had ever right to do such a thing. with a bit of a sigh and a run of fingers through his hair he made his way into the kitchen humming softly under his breath as he did the dishes. when they were done he stared at the empty sink, and then to the clock. it'd been a bit over an hour since zane had gone to bed. and he was out of things to do. and lord knew that he wasn't tired enough to actually try to sleep. so the man sighed and made his way outside for a cigarette. then when that was finished, he considered lighting another one. there was another pull, though, something that he wanted to do that he knew he probably shouldn't. but fuck. he never listened to the right thing to do anyway. with a soft sigh he made his way back inside then to zane's bedroom. as far as mick could tell he was sleeping, and god he looked so peaceful when he was asleep. teeth sunk into his bottom lip for a moment before he made his way to the bed, laying beside him and wrapping his arm around him. "i'm sorry zane," he started with a whisper resting his head on his chest. "i'm sorry that i'm a coward. i wish, i wish i could be brave for you. i wish that i could just fuckin say it ya know. just fuckin' say that i love you. over and over again until your ears would bleed. because ya know, i really fuckin' do. i really fuckin' love you. and i want this. i've never wanted a god damn thing more in my fuckin' life than to be with you. i'm just so shittin' scared. i'm a fuckin' pussy okay? and i'm scared. i'm just scared of hurting you. cuz you and boo, you're the only good things in my life. like, seriously. and i don't want to fuckin' lose you because i do something stupid like the dumb ass that i am." he paused and let out a small sigh. "but i really do love you." with that he cuddled up closer to him, just letting the words that he didn't have the balls to say when zane was awake linger in the air. maybe one day he'd be brave enough to say them. but for now, at least zane knew how he felt when he was dreaming. oh how we found the same old fears TEMPLATE BY BROOKE~

[zane dominic mercer]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] FUCK THE PAST; THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR HAND The Words: lazy The Outfit: click The Notes aljdskf ZICKEY TEARS zane's mind wouldn't let him sleep. he wanted to. god he wanted to and he tossed and turned trying to get it all to go away. but his mind kept going kept thinking and kept him up tossing and turning. maybe it was because it was still so early and even his four year old hadn't wanted to go to bed. maybe it was just that he couldn't go to sleep without any resolution to his little fight with mickey. because that's what it was - a fight. that's what it all started as and though with two tempers like theirs it wasn't really a surprise, he didn't feel right leaving it so...open like that. he wanted something. he wanted mickey to come in and talk to him like he sometimes did, wanted to feel his arms around him and his breath on his ear as he tried not to cuddle back against the man he'd called his best friend. he wanted closure. a simple yes. a simple no. something. anything. but mickey wouldn't give him that. he kept him hanging. and he knew he didn't mean to. fuck, he knew mick loved him and it was unfair of him to not be satisfied with him not saying it out loud. and he knew why mickey wouldn't date him and he knew he just fucking knew why they couldn't ever be anything more than best friends. but it hurt. it hurt to be kept in the middle, not able to be let go and not able to be loved either. he didn't know it was going to be so hard when he slipped up and finally told mickey that maybe they should give it a shot, didn't know it would drain him so quickly and so completely and yet keep him up for hours and hours on end. if he had, maybe he would have just kept his words to himself. but after being with marilyn earlier...he couldn't get his mind off of him. not when they kissed or she laughed or they were alone together. he couldn't focus on her. he had one person, one person on his mind, and it was a constant stream of mickey and how it felt to kiss mickey and how it felt to be with mickey and how he felt about mickey. there was no way he couldn't tell him. because that was what settled it. that was what made him realize he couldn't just not be with him. he groaned and turned over onto his side to curl up again pulling his pillow up to surround his head. there was too much happening up there. too much doubt, not enough certainty and that was one thing zane hated having a definite lack of. he wanted to be sure of everything in his life. he wanted to be able to know when there was going to be someone next to him in bed. he wanted to put remedy to sleep with someone and know for sure that the person he was parenting with loved him. he wanted someone who would consistently be there when he was upset, who could put their arms around him and hold him and who would just love him as unconditionally as he loved them. and though he knew mick provided most of those services, it was far from consistent and it was far from simple and zane was getting too old and too tired to still be irreparably damaged because he was in love with his best friend. in high school maybe that was fine and in high school maybe he could deal with it, but they weren't in high school anymore. it was time for at least one of them to grow up. he turned back onto his back to stare up at his ceiling, eyes fluttering shut as he tried to clear his mind. he could feel his breath start to get heavier, his chest rising and falling slowly and he thought that maybe - maybe he could actually get to sleep. but then he heard his bedroom door open and since it wasn't immediately accompanied by a quiet little voice asking if he was awake he knew it wasn't his daughter. he willed himself not to react to just lay as if he was sleeping and before long the soon familiar feeling of mick crawling into bed with him, enveloping him in his arms, resting against his chest took over him and he fought to keep his act on. and then mickey opened his mouth and his heart jumped into his throat because this was it. this was everything he had been trying to get him to say and he knew he needed to act like he was sleeping and lay there and wait until he actually did fall asleep. because he couldn't let mick know he was awake. but fuck it was stupid of him to be thinking that. because mickey should be able to tell him these things. he should be able to say them out loud. and he was done with games and too tired to keep denying that all he wanted out of life was his best friend's love. even if mick might never forgive him for it. so instead of continuing to play dumb like he was still sleeping, he just pulled his best friend closer to him and said quietly, "i love you, too, mick." created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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[mickey james wilson]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb= style, background-color: 6F434E; width: 420px; padding: 5 5 5 5px; border: 10px solid #2F2E2E;] two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl renee/zane - too many words - ily or wtfever god if mickey could just beat himself up he would. he never would be able to explain why he was totally fine with spewing all of the most sappy shit to zane when he was asleep. laying beside him as he was now, as he had done before, just telling him how he wished he wasn't a fuck up. how he wished that he could be something good for zane. all these things that he had said to him when he was sure he was asleep. but he couldn't say it when he knew that zane was awake. and he hated himself for it. because, fuck, zane deserved to hear these things. somewhere in him he knew that. somewhere in him he was more than aware that zane deserved to hear every word that he had ever quietly spoken to him when he thought that zane was well and off in dream land. but fuck if mick could do it. so he wanted to beat himself up. just kick his ass into next week. and had he not been so damn comfortable laying with him right then he probably would've gotten up and gone out to pick a fight with someone. he was comfortable, though, curled up to zane's side with his head on his chest. when he was like this he felt the best that he ever felt. like he was happy, and home, and he could let go and just lay with this man that he did indeed love even if he wouldn't say it to his face. it occurred to mick right then, though, that maybe this wasn't enough any longer. maybe this wasn't enough now that zane had told him they should try it. when they had kissed without a drop of alcohol in their systems. that had never happened before, and now it had, and fuck if mickey knew how to process that. but his mind was all over the place. going from thinking about to leaving to thinking that it would be so wonderful to just be able to go to sleep next to zane every night. to be able to draw on his torso like he was lazily doing in that moment. every night to be able to lay with him. not have to sneak into the room when he was sure that zane was asleep. it really would be nice, to kiss him in front of any and everyone. to just, be with him. this was where his mind was going when he felt the arm pull him closer and brows knitted. that was unusual. sure, there had been times where zane had cuddled back in that asleep way. but this was different. this was so much more. this was, it was intentional. he was intentionally pulling their bodies closer and mick's mind didn't have time to fully process that before the words fell from zane's lips and he quite literally jumped. oh god, zane was awake. he was awake and he had heard every sappy word that had come from his lips. and he'd heard all the things that he had said. and he was awake. "fuck," he muttered and just sort of laid there in shock for several moments unsure of what it was that he had to do. what should he do? the cat was out of the bag, he had said what he had said, there was no taking it back now, but he was just frozen right there by his side, his body a bit rigid. after several moments of silence he took a breath that he hadn't realized he'd needed and then pulled away from the not so sleeping man so that he could look at him. "you're awake...." he stated sitting to slightly to look at the man with his eyes wide with fright and obvious panic on his features. eyes darted around the room as if they would have some answer for him but they came up with nothing when he looked at zane again. "oh god...you're awake. you heard all that. fuck," he moved so that he was sitting up on the bed now with his back facing him and his bottom legs handing off of the side of the bed. fingers moved to run through his hair, both sets just raking through the locks. this was bad. this was very, very bad. nothing good would come of this. nothing good at all. this was not how it was supposed to happen. fuck, none of it was even supposed to happen. they weren't supposed to be more than friends, but fuck, he just wanted to take off for that door and run as far as he could, but once again he was stuck. none of his limbs listening to him in those moments. "zane....god...fuck. okay, so...fuck," there were no words forming in his brain. all that there was, was that panicked tone. and that worried expression as he turned back to look at him with scared eyes. oh how we found the same old fears TEMPLATE BY BROOKE~

[zane dominic mercer]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-color: dddddd; border: #cccccc solid 8px; width: 420px; padding: 15 5 15 5px;] FUCK THE PAST; THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR HAND The Words: lazy The Outfit: click The Notes aljdskf ZICKEY TEARS it wasn't the first time he had been awake when mickey did this. admittedly he was awake more often now than he was asleep because some nights he could just feel that it was going to happen and it was something that he liked to hear. they were good moments. moments when he could revel in the feeling of mickey's arms and the presence of his lips so close to his own. he could lay down and listen to his words, take some solace in them the same way he did when remedy told him that she loved him before going to sleep at night. it was just natural and it felt so right to hear the words falling from his lips. mickey didn't give him a lot of affection in public. hell, even in private he didn't give him a lot of affection seeing as he didn't really get drunk with him anymore and mick just must not see the point. so it was nice, curled up with him there with him, with his presence beside him. and he knew it was a little deceitful not to tell him that he was awake, but fuck, it was deceitful for mickey to only tell him that shit when he thought he was sleeping. he loved this man who was resting with his head upon his chest. and this man loved him and there was no reason, no reason at all now why they shouldn't do something about it. he knew mickey was trying to avoid it. he knew it better than anybody. but he couldn't. this wasn't something they could ignore anymore. that kiss earlier in the night kept replaying and replaying and replaying in his mind, driving him crazy and he knew he had to say something. and he had no regrets when the words slipped past his lips though he could feel mickey tense and knew that this was not going to bode over well. but it was time they had this discussion. it was time that they were in a situation where they couldn't avoid how they felt about one another. mickey had just confessed his love. there was no taking that back. finally, though, mick moved, and zane could see the obvious panic in his beautiful features. he was right - this was going to make him freak out. he was stuttering and pulling away more now, moving to the edge of the bed and turning away from him, and zane couldn't stop his brow from furrowing before he broke into a wide grin. mickey had told him he loved him. and he hadn't imagined it because he had responded to it and mickey was reacting to him responding and...oh god, mickey loved him and he had finally acknowledged it. he didn't care that mick moved away from him. didn't care that he was freaking out. he couldn't avoid it now. he couldn't lie to him anymore or pretend he didn't feel the same thing that zane did. he couldn't feed him any more bullshit excuses. because here was proof. they could do this. they could try this. because they loved each other. he sat up, staring at mickey's back, his slight frame and he bit down on his lower lip. it wasn't that easy of course. mickey was going to put up a fight if he knew his best friend at all. but it was worth it to have him know that he heard. after a moment he sat up and walked over to mickey on his knees, putting his hands on his shoulders to gently rub them for a second before sliding them further down onto his chest to wrap around him in a hug of sorts. "deep breaths," he told him in quiet tones, looking over at him and trying to keep his own wits about him as he thought about what exactly was happening then and there, who exactly he had in his bed and in his arms. he pressed a quick kiss to mickey's temple and added, "i've actually heard all that...a few times." he sighed. "which was a little deceitful of me, admittedly. but nice in it's own way." he bit his lip. "just...please don't go, mick. not this time." created by ADE! Pb-ified by WILL

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